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Dark Poetry #4
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A Choice
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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A Choice |
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Susan Member Ascendant
since 2004-03-27
Posts 5104walking the surreal 
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dead or dying you choose in either case I lose for in dying, I am not yet and in dead I cannot be again rather leave me linger in the twilight of "might have beens" for then I can fool the reaper safe once again within my past skin s.a.t. Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind. |
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| © Copyright 2004 s.a.t. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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darkness_witch Senior Member
since 2003-12-03
Posts 516Underneath |
wow i read this a couple of times, and i am not sure what to say. I love how smart it is, and how it is almost devious. i loved it loveandempathy darkness  nirvana means freedom from pain, suffering and the external world. |
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EagleOne Member Elite
since 2000-03-07
Posts 2829Between a laugh and a tear... |
I can't quite put my finger on it but something about this one really grabs me, much enjoyed! "A spring shower was cause to run |
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News_From_Nowhere Member
since 2002-06-14
Posts 173CU, NY |
OMG! "leave me linger in the twilight of 'might have beens'." BEAUTIFUL! "So give life to your dreams, for there lies your survival, and cast your heart beyond those faded scenes, and I'll bring you through the storm |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
A nice piece, though you might like to freshen up the wording a little. Rather than "in dead" perhaps you could say "in death." Unless of course there is some purpose behind your choice of what seems to be the more awkward of the two. On the whole, however, a rather good poem appealing more to social position and responsibility than to death's ultimately indescriminate nature. 2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2 |
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ShiningWindHaze Member
since 2004-09-06
Posts 138California, United States |
The purpose of her putting "in dead" was the "dead" she had first clarified in the beginning of the poem. She wanted you to feel the WHOLE poem and not just pieces. I'm breathing in a haze-like butterfly feeling. What does that mean? It means the way you write really, really touches the very center of my blood red drenched heart. |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
"leave me linger in the twilight of "might have beens" for then I can fool the reaper" Susan, I can't even begin to tell you how much I understand this  |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
ShiningWindHaze: Since I like arguing a little, I think I'll say a bit more. I see what you mean about her clarifying things at the beginning. But the construction is still very awkward. I think that the wording used at the beginning of the poem is repeated verbatim when its general idea of the two options of either being dead or in the act of dying might have been played up a little more. Sorry, Susan, if it seems I'm nitpicking too much here, but it should have some benefits for you, lol. Feel free to attack my work as well. 2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2 |
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Purity Senior Member
since 2001-11-20
Posts 526Once Upon, USA |
Although I can see the point of the wordage questioned, I like Susan's poetic license in using the words dead and dying. I see the left outs of "Am I" or "I am" hence "in ('am I') dying" or "in ('am I') dead. Works both ways, and I see your point fractal. Susan, I still loved this one...and any poem that illicits debate shows merit indeed...a point that fractal has always made known, hence a compliment of worthiness. Keep it up! I love speculation! Lose one friend... Lose all friends... Lose Yourself... |
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Susan Member Ascendant
since 2004-03-27
Posts 5104walking the surreal |
Mmmm, I love debate. And thinking. And opinions. And I appreciate it all. by dead or dying, I mean the state of. Either I am dead, or I am dying, you choose, it matters not, for in either state it is much the same. In dying I suffer. Being dead, suffering may be gone, but there is no choice of change. The preference then would be to live in memories of what once was, thus escaping the touch of the living death. Maybe this makes clearer. It could be death or dying, but somehow it does not seem to state the finality to me. Dead just seems so raw and death more subtle. Don't ask me why, just how my mind works, I guess. Thanks all -- Susan Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
perfectly stated: dead or dying you choose in either case I lose nice writing, Susan |
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