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Defective
Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 73
Salisbury NC

0 posted 2004-08-22 07:17 PM

Where do I stand this
where do I end it
I cant change what you'll say
if I tell you again
I hope I make you uncomfortable
and I hope it hurts like hell
I hope you see me walk away
and I'll just be what I never was
but could've been
maybe this is just the way
the metal twisted when I landed
or the way the water froze
when I was supposed to flow
I didn't remember what it was to feel this
until it came back again
I guess I just needed time to recover before
the cancer returned

This may very well be the last time
I can stand to see your face
and I hope the mirror breaks
into a million pieces
and on every shard
you see me for
what I really am
and not what you wanted me to pretend

I said I'm sorry for making this so difficult
but the truth is I'm not
and maybe one day I'll get over
the fact that I'll never be what you wanted
and I hope that you'll find it somewhere else.

green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx

1 posted 2004-09-05 03:16 PM

Usually a lack of commas create a problem with poems, but this one sounds better the way it is. The lack of commas let the words run into each other and so its crammed together when its read and so the words are all jumbled like when someone is talking to you and their upset or angry. It kind of adds to the artistic feeling of the poem.
Pain is so awesome for poets and musicians and artists. It produces such nice art.
Nice work.
-GIS

He has made everything beautiful in its own time. -Ecclesiastes 3:11

Hollow_Emptiness
Senior Member

since 2004-02-01

Posts 715
New Zealand

2 posted 2004-09-06 03:46 PM

"and I hope the mirror breaks
into a million pieces
and on every shard
you see me for
what I really am
and not what you wanted me to pretend"

I was writing a reply to this before, but could only come up with worn out adjectives, and lots of exclamation marks. It was Awesome! Great! See? Well that's my way of saying I really really loved it.

Hollow.

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. - Gary Jules, Mad World.

Purity
Senior Member

since 2001-11-20

Posts 526
Once Upon, USA

3 posted 2004-09-06 04:12 PM

Very nicely done, Defective. I share this situation with you now, as I have many times before. I concur, the poetic license in lack of punctuation furthers the poetic ramblings of the hurt, and is appropriate here. Good write!

Lose one friend... Lose all friends... Lose Yourself...

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

4 posted 2004-09-07 03:01 PM

Kristen:

nice bleed . . .

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