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Dark Poetry #4
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I am
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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I am |
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darkness_witch Senior Member
since 2003-12-03
Posts 516Underneath |
I am all I hear I am a slamming door, shutting out everyone in this world I am all I taste I am bile, lurking in the back of my throat I am all I see I am a tear, smudging ink I am all I remember I am loneliness and rainy nights I am all I've been taught I am distrusting and hopeless I am all I think I am twisted and neurotic I am like a cloud building up with rain But will eventually burst, pouring down on myself and everyone around me I am the product of high school (i bet you could write it betta CVR) nirvana means freedom from pain, suffering and the external world. |
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| © Copyright 2004 Sophie A Ryan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
product of highschool... yeah, I'm sure we all are in one way or another. could have done without this line: "I am like a cloud building up with rain" Its just sort of a cliche comparision. |
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kissa~rachelle Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988nowhere special |
I loved it..the ending rocked, and the metaphors were great. I think highschool does that to everyone, atleast in some way...~lol~ Karissa I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling |
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Hollow_Emptiness Senior Member
since 2004-02-01
Posts 715New Zealand |
I could not do this better at all. It was great. When is it due? The poetry anthology? Courts, Hollow. "Why are my visions so unliving with dreams? And why do I no longer care?" - Stygian |
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aussie teen Member
since 2003-09-27
Posts 396Australia |
hey darkness...... this is brilliant.... i love the metaphors and your use of short lines and repetition..... high school definitly does something to our minds..... we cant help it it just happens.... keep up the writing.... Mel so this is me but what do you care about that???? |
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silhouetted Senior Member
since 2004-01-30
Posts 537New Zealand |
not as dark or deep as ur other ones, but nonetheless brilliant such interesting writing... "It would make those who listen to it doze into a land of rivers, kund fu and unicorns, eventually making the listener pee in his/her pants - Brandon |
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~K~ Member
since 2004-07-27
Posts 148 |
I am a tear smudging ink... are you really do you know what that means or are you only guessing |
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spritrider87 Member
since 2003-05-31
Posts 294NH |
i am all thoues things and more but i am not a produ ct of high school i was alreadythis way before i got there and will be after i leave. "i am a tear smudging the paper" kinda makes me wonder whaere everything went wrong. dont know about you but i wish that i could go back an d figuer it all out. keep it up. and if you want to read any of my new stuff go to livejournal.com my name there is nighttimesprit later. "I am the bringer of darkness. A shadow in the dark. I prey on the. The child of the lost souls. I hunger for the love of one unknown. The one to reve |
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eor Senior Member
since 2002-09-26
Posts 959blues & greys |
this is a good start to a poem, but i think the i am is a little overkill...not to say you can't leave thme in there but maybe after each 'i am' have two or three lines deepening the metaphore some. there are a lot of great starts to some wonderful imagery in here, but i am left wanting more. Pimpin and panderin, on a level you can't serve, dismantle, nouns, pronouns, adverbs, and verbs |
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Hollow_Emptiness Senior Member
since 2004-02-01
Posts 715New Zealand |
Soph, soz but I'm going to answer eor's reply. k? I'm bored, so here goes. Eor - had to write it in this format for school. Lol. Courts, Hollow. "Why are my visions so unliving with dreams? And why do I no longer care?" - Stygian |
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PainBaneChaos Member
since 2003-10-17
Posts 150The point of no return |
*would have liked to see your teacher's face when they read the last line* I like it. I agree with Eor, however. Expand the imagery. That last line disrupts the rhythm, kind of leaves you wth an unfinished feel. Not to say you have to keep the rhythm, but maybe choose something that compliments the rest of the poem, not clashes with it. Does that make sense to anyone? Kudos. ~Chaos |
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silhouetted Senior Member
since 2004-01-30
Posts 537New Zealand |
lol i agreesignature--> "When i close my eyes, i remember how to smile, under my umbrella im an accomplished exile..." [This message has been edited by silhouetted (08-18-2004 04:36 AM).] |
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Hollow_Emptiness Senior Member
since 2004-02-01
Posts 715New Zealand |
Um, actually that last line was Soph's creation.... "Why are my visions so unliving with dreams? And why do I no longer care?" - Stygian |
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