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Dark Poetry #4
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Xeonox
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Senior Member
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764
CA, USA

0 posted 2004-05-02 06:21 PM



When the moon rises,
From beneath the clouds,
An ashy elbow I am reminded
Of today-

Within my mind,
Lay a demon of lies,
Of worry and hate,
Deciding my fate,

As the weight of the world,
Rest upon my bare,
Thoughts,
Resting here without worries,

For each has its separate cause,
Of trial and failure,
Of demise and despise,
Towards the final agony,

I call within,
A force long over slept,
A quiet shadow,
One of its kinds,

Contains the message,
Of more horror,
And dishonor,
Flying lying beneath,

The winged clouds,
Are brushed off,
In the distance,
To reveal my fate,

One of many,
Repeating the tale,
A cycle of hate,
Has begun yet again…


© Copyright 2004 Ronil B Tataria - All Rights Reserved
Savage Quiescence
Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326
Wandering
1 posted 2004-05-19 01:59 PM


I like the idea behind this but it seems sort of choppy
Xeonox
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Senior Member
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764
CA, USA
2 posted 2004-05-19 02:26 PM


it seems choppy because it ties in more than one idea but in different stanza. That is one of my style of writing. Something abrupt on the next line you know.
River
Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627
my own little world
3 posted 2004-05-21 05:47 PM


hey, I have no complaints. choppy in my opinion is better than long winded, lol. this is a good piece, something similer to my own thoughts...especially the whole demon of lies and hate thing. groovy man, ttyl.

    - River

Running out of pain

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418
Earth
4 posted 2004-05-21 08:48 PM


wwwwwwwwwwwoooow..nice poem keep it upppp.

I will cover you with my blood,not only because
i love you but because your are the one that turned my blood a color....

Destinys_Fallen_Angel
Member
since 2004-05-06
Posts 75
Boise Idaho
5 posted 2004-05-22 02:10 AM


great poem i really enjoyed it

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