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| Dark Poetry #4 |
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Starsfalling Member
since 2003-03-18
Posts 94some where deep in the shadows |
I did not wish to fear, but Terror came unbidden Unobstructed She tore through my soul Scratching screaming… Please God let me be dreaming Grimacing in horror I stare blankly into Her abyss I did not wish for death, but I was showed an eternity of it Convulsions wrack my unresponsive body as Her images deepen Whimpering pleading… Please Princess let me awaken Numbness spreads slowly, an impending doom that can not be stopped Blood falls freely, and a taste of copper intensifies Violently She hacked all thought of reality All sense of self lost Fear passed, as light flooded back Slowly looking down A pool of red reflects a pathetic coward please help me critique it... the ending needs some work at the very least -lance There is no peace among the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter and the laughter of thirsting gods |
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| © Copyright 2004 Lance Keber - All Rights Reserved | |||
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kissa~rachelle Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988nowhere special |
I like the imagery. I am not a very good one with critique-ing, i am a more "tell ya how it made me feel" kinda person. ~lol~ I like this. Very awesome. I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling |
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
makes me think of hell. that what it sounds like. I liked how you said an eternity of death. never really thought of it like that. I think you showed the pain of a break up, from a very unique perspective. The end, does feel like it could be worked on. But as far as specific pointers, I don't have any right now. I think I will read it a couple more times and see what I come up with. ~Lex |
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Hollow_Emptiness Senior Member
since 2004-02-01
Posts 715New Zealand |
All the things I felt and thought was basically what Lexy said. The ending, I agree could be better. However the rest sounds very much like hell, dark, very dark. Very good. Hollow. "Why are my visions so unliving with dreams? And why do I no longer care?" - Stygian |
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