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cusick
Senior Member

since 2003-07-27

Posts 668

0 posted 2004-02-11 05:55 AM

Stars grew dim
clouds cried
the night his
love for me died.

I should have told
him before,
never have lied
of my love for another
which drove him wild.

Breathing uneasy
fingers tight
a smothering pressure
I could not fight.

Stars ran to hide
clouds still cried
the night I died.

darkness_witch
Senior Member

since 2003-12-03

Posts 516
Underneath

1 posted 2004-02-11 10:36 PM

WOAH! this one is intense! my hearts racing. I love how short and bittersweet it was. very good.
I kind of got the impression that the rhymes may have been a little forced at times, but it doesnt really matter, the intensity and heartbreak smothered it!

really good write. you sure got talent!!!

keep rockin

darkness

You can always hear a tear in Cobain's voice, the pain going on there is always visible through his lyrics - Marilon Manson

River
Senior Member

since 2003-09-16

Posts 627
my own little world

2 posted 2004-02-12 02:15 AM

owch...painfull. =(. are you trying to make us all cry or something? lol. good job =) very captivating, this is.

- River

rest upon existence. seek life,
and forever never die.

cusick
Senior Member

since 2003-07-27

Posts 668

3 posted 2004-02-12 01:34 PM

Darkness thank you for you comments. Maggie

cusick
Senior Member

since 2003-07-27

Posts 668

4 posted 2004-02-12 01:35 PM

River I would hate to make you cry. Glad you liked it. Maggie

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

5 posted 2004-02-12 07:35 PM

the end really struck me.
stars run to hide...
I loved that part, shows the intensity of your pain.
great piece.
~Lex

cusick
Senior Member

since 2003-07-27

Posts 668

6 posted 2004-02-13 04:29 AM

Lex thank you so much for your comments. Maggie

Gothika_07
Member

since 2004-01-15

Posts 61
new zealand

7 posted 2004-02-13 08:45 PM

Hey Wow wot a mean as twist at the end.
really loved the way it was straight to the point yet still seemed to say all it needed to say!
Loved it
xxgothikaxx

River
Senior Member

since 2003-09-16

Posts 627
my own little world

8 posted 2004-02-13 10:37 PM

it was kindove a joke and sortove not

you know, like, "clouds cried" ... "cry me a river"...nevermind, mostly i was thinking about the last line where you DiEd lol, but that's sweet I'm glad you wouldn't intentionally make me cry =) and again i really liked this =)

- River

sleep my precious slumber

cusick
Senior Member

since 2003-07-27

Posts 668

9 posted 2004-02-14 05:47 AM

Thanks for you comments Gothika. Maggie

cusick
Senior Member

since 2003-07-27

Posts 668

10 posted 2004-02-14 05:49 AM

Thanks River I got the joke.Sometimes it's good to have a little weep. Maggie

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