»
Archives
»
Dark Poetry #4
»
Tales of Night
| Dark Poetry #4 |
|
Tales of Night |
|
|
River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
**I think this could use some more work because it mostly rambles on a lot...I'm still working on it so i don't want anyone to think that this is the final piece, lol** Sarcastic fit of worry constant meddled rage slow paced faster hurry with each somber turned page sleep my precious slumber fall into the cage with each gasping breath this heart grows number confusing journey maze secret rumors float through the death stage dimmer do they seem those pretty lullabies feel myself scream as I drown and somehow fly watch the world fade smaller into my sick demented dream awake to meet the creator beside a roaring quiet stream feed awaiting wonder choke as my soul feels clean forgot my mortals folly end with thunder relive this terribly wonderful dream sleep my precious slumber forget what night has seen rest in hopeful wonder that on Christ my spirit leans rest upon existence. seek life, and forever never die. |
||
| © Copyright 2004 Bonnie Sue Bixler - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
green_itchy_stuff Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929New Caney, Tx |
I thought it was kind of cool. It seems to have a hypnotizing effect when you read. you start reading and its like another world. Anyway I thought it was good. -GIS Why live for gold when you can be happy? |
||
|
Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
I love the rhythum. and this part: "roaring quiet stream" quiet often roars. |
||
|
eor Senior Member
since 2002-09-26
Posts 959blues & greys |
i liked this, but i think you need to add puncuation so the reader knows where to pause, it all runs together, and its not the poem, its the lack of puncuation, but good write "So what befalls the flawless? |
||
|
River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
Craig - thanx i never thought of it like that =) hypnotizing... Lexy - i know, if you read a few other poems of mine you will find variations of that same phrase, it gets stuck in my head a lot like that. lol. thanx eor - lol, i always leave that out, i know, it's a bad habit...like if i write a question in a poem i leave out the question mark (sorry) if i put puntuation in this one i might as well do that to the 30 or 40 other poems i wrote, lol. but thanx for pointing it out =). rest upon existence. seek life, |
||
|
Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
I like it... but you're the poet. If you feel it needs revision then revise it (almost always, good poetry needs revising). Rhythm and images are great! Grover. |
||
|
silhouetted Senior Member
since 2004-01-30
Posts 537New Zealand |
sounded kind of vampy but i woodnt no lol hehe keep it up LOR Silhouetted by Deception |
||
|
Copperbell Senior Member
since 2003-11-08
Posts 956 |
I like this River. It has a nice flow to it - You said you weren't finished with it, I think you should do whatever you feel it needs to tighten it up - it'll be that much better. I also thought it would be cool as song lyrics  |
||
|
Endlessecho Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 398I live within myself |
with "number" do you mean more numb? Because number isn't a word unless you mean a 2 or 5 or.... but then it won't rhyme. Either way it doesn't work. Other than that - you have some vivid images there. |
||
|
crystalclearpoems Junior Member
since 2003-12-30
Posts 16 |
great poem! |
||
|
River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
Grover - thanx, i will once time and inspiration give me a chance, lol. (btw, i like your name, grover was one of my favorite sesame street charicters =) silhouetted - :-[ hee hee vampy wasn't exactly what i was thinking, but it's pretty close, lol Copperbell - wow, i didn't know that i did a good enough job that someone would actually point out the song part, lol, that's what a majority of my poetry is intended to be or become, thanx =) Endlessecho - yeah i meant for it to mean "become numb" ...probably not proper english, lol, i wasn't sure, but hey, if it isn't a word...well...it is now! lol crystalclearpoems - thanx =) - River "You are more than what you look like. You are more than where you've been. You are more than what they say about you. You are more...you are more than what we see" |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
