navwin » Archives » Dark Poetry #4 » Grotesque love
Dark Poetry #4
Post A Reply Post New Topic Grotesque love Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Gothika_07
Member
since 2004-01-15
Posts 61
new zealand

0 posted 2004-01-29 01:44 AM


I crave your taste in my mouth
I crave your touch it's a danger 2 my health
I crave your words that roll of your lips
I crave your hands resting casually on my hips

The wanting i have for you becomes grotesque
The love we had and felt was once picturesque

and i feel my values slipping away
i hope after you'll feel for me the same way
And as you walk up to me baring a smile
for a second i begin to feel weak with denial

your hands so cold touch my skin
I feel so meak afraid so thin
you encircle yourself around me
at first the heat makes me almost free

and then a pain a fear
i scream you stop and stare
wondering what you've done as i cowar in the corner
you reach out to me and i feel dead i am the mourner

thick tears roll from you chiselled cheeks
and my tears form aggresive leaks
how could you hurt me i wonder
your face explodes like thunder

i am the forever girl in the glass
awaiting a kiss from the man in the mask



© Copyright 2004 Gothika_07 - All Rights Reserved
darkness_witch
Senior Member
since 2003-12-03
Posts 516
Underneath
1 posted 2004-01-29 01:49 AM


very good

I think this was good... but im sure you couldve made it better...
i hope ur not offended. it a great poem, but maybe a bit deeper thoughts and it could be as good as ur best ones!
i love the second verse,. very cool

rock on

darkness

Jelfling
Junior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 21
Indiana
2 posted 2004-01-29 11:47 AM


I love how you always end your poems, like this one and the princess in the tower without a prince. It's very original. However, I do agree with darkness_witch. This seems more like a rough draft of a poem than the finished product.
silhouetted
Senior Member
since 2004-01-30
Posts 537
New Zealand
3 posted 2004-01-31 11:49 PM


i LOVED the first verse
needs some puncuation but i still loved it
(L)(L) KEEP ON WRITING

LOR

Silhouetted by Deception

MGROVES
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2004-02-01
Posts 3802
california
4 posted 2004-02-02 12:25 PM


VERY GOOD, I COULD FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS  YOU EXPRESSED THEM ALL, VERY GOOD. POETRY,IS A WAY OF EXPRESSING HOW WE FEEL, NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT,UNLESS THEY HAVE CONTROL, AND TELL YOU HOW YOU FEEL, OR SHOULD. ANY WAY, WHEN YOU WRITE FROM THE HEART AND SOUL, GOT FEELING THAT NEED TO BE EXPRESSED, WRITE IT, AND LEAVE IT ALONE. WHEN YOU JUST SIT AND WRITE POEMS, WRITE, READ, CHANGE WORDS,  WRITE A LINE, THEN ANOTHER FOR SAME LINE BUT WITH DIFFERENT WORDS. THEN TAKE ALL AND PUT TOGETHER.  I HAVE BEEN WRITING OFFAND ON FOR 9 YEARS, GOT 6 PUBLISHED, THE ONE LOVE OR YOU NONE FOR ME WAS FIRST ONE, IT IS IN A BOOK, I AM JUST NOW GETTING THEM OUT FOR ALL TO SEE AND READ. I AM NO EXPERT, I ONLY KNOW WHAT WORKS WITH ME, I AM ONLY GIVING SUGGESTIONS. YOUR VERY GOOD. KEEP IT UP, DONT EVER STOP


Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Dark Poetry #4 » Grotesque love

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary