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Dark Poetry #4
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young_blood
Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2003-11-27 03:50 PM


one last breath

mechanical breathing keeps old souls living
they are lost inside themselves
not responding to any outside thier stmuli
not regarding anything outside thier minds.
the raspy exhalations slowly lower
a chest that houses an again heart.
are they ready for an end?
and end of days and nights unrecognized.
a shadow now patrols these halls
covering the fluerescent lights with misty grays.
this figure has a hideous form to some,
but to others it appears to be a saviour.
it slips in and out of rooms quickly for
its task takes only a moment to complete.
if only this master of death would have
vacated my room long ago,
but it has made itself comfortable, watching my life drip away
like the constant drizzle out my death ward window.
ive been slipping under the influence of
the morbid drugs that im prescribed.
these words you speak to me now are so cunning,
is your deathly friend promping you?
he whispers as you scream
he strangles me while your eyes gleam.
my time is fianlly coming,
after all these years its my turn.
i take one last breath......
and im released

now im alone, but not lonely like before

© Copyright 2003 Alex Lewis - All Rights Reserved
tecoyah
Member
since 2003-11-16
Posts 83
NY
1 posted 2003-11-27 08:52 PM


good portrayal of a grim scene....would be more careful in spelling, thanx for the read
green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx
2 posted 2003-11-27 10:19 PM


Well the first kick I can think of is maybe you should check your spelling. lol.  Other than that your work is pretty good.  You didn't confine yourself to a prison type of rhyme scheme, and you didn't just reapeat the same thing in different ways.  All in all good poem.  

GIS

Closed will remain closed until opened.

[I try hard to have a father, but instead I had a dad...]- Kurt Cobain

SharaRose
Member Elite
since 2003-07-19
Posts 2501
Somewhere out there~
3 posted 2003-11-28 12:20 PM


This is why I don't like hospitals, and yet I'm going to work in one. I think I'm trying, [in a small way], to put a chink in the armor of the grim reapers task. Maybe I won't stop it, but slow the process, and help a little with a better quality of life. It's for sure prevention beats the alternative. Very much a creepy feeling, but good at that you were in this write. I love reading your writes. Mucho amazing you are to read!!! WOW! and WOW!
Love,
Terri~

p.s. The spelling errors did nothing to deter me from totally enjoying this write and want to come back for more. It's the thoughts behind the write that spring from what must be TALENT!!!!!!!!!!

[This message has been edited by SharaRose (11-28-2003 12:29 PM).]

young_blood
Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN
4 posted 2003-11-28 01:06 PM


thank you so much for commenting on my stuff guys!! i appreciate it alot!!
-alex

now im alone, but not lonely like before

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