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beckers716
Junior Member

since 2003-11-16

Posts 39
Ohio

0 posted 2003-11-16 08:59 PM

there is danger in your touch
too much desperation in your "love"
you drive by 200 times a day
calling me with nothing to say
refuse to accept, your not my man
knowing I avoid you whenever I can
you think I'm perfec, won't let it go
how many times do I have to tell you no
tonight you forced yourself into my home
only laughed when I said, "leave me alone"
there's fire in your eyes when you look into mine
what is it you think you'll find?
"if I can't have you, noone will"
I reply only wit an icy stare, wishing looks could kill
you lowered your head, and pulled out a knife
talking insanely of me being your wife
you want to hear me beg to live
that is a pleasure I refuse to give
I back away scared to death
you stab me 21 times before my last breath
i died silently, but I'm finally free
no longer fearing what you'll do to me

beckers716
Junior Member

since 2003-11-16

Posts 39
Ohio

1 posted 2003-11-16 09:01 PM

the title is "Dangerous Love"

green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx

2 posted 2003-11-16 09:04 PM

You seem new. Nice poem, it has a good plot. If you'd like some advice, here it is, try relaxing and don't hold yourself to a rhyme scheme. Let go as it comes. If my advice was undesired, ignore it. lol.

GIS

All that is great once was small.

[Im the one thats going to die when its time for me to die. So let me live my life the way I want to.]-JIMI

beckers716
Junior Member

since 2003-11-16

Posts 39
Ohio

3 posted 2003-11-16 09:09 PM

Thank you, any advise is welcome!

eor
Senior Member

since 2002-09-26

Posts 959
blues & greys

4 posted 2003-11-17 03:07 PM

very intense write, i agree wiht grenny, i told him the same thing when he first can to the site, but also i would say along wiht trying some free verse, also stick to some rhyme scheme, you gotta have the all around, but anyways nice poem, you had some very powerful imagery in here...loking forward to seeing more of you

"So what befalls the flawless?
Look what I've built, it shines so beautifully now watch as it destroys me."

beckers716
Junior Member

since 2003-11-16

Posts 39
Ohio

5 posted 2003-11-19 01:28 AM

eor, comming from someone who writes as well as u I take that as a great compliment!

Only when all hope seems lost, can you hope to find yourself

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