navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #30 » Bayou
Open Poetry #30
Post A Reply Post New Topic Bayou Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
muted
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2004-01-15
Posts 2949
Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving

0 posted 2004-01-23 11:45 AM



I've choked on this heat
long past that '7 year itch'.
Im running out of lip gloss
and mirrors to pass.
This pretty face won’t even
buy me a ride home.
And I just had to follow you
to this bowl of dust
where "wet" is a metaphor
for something scandalous.
And I don’t think
a used smile
is gonna get me that
cool drink of "somewhere"
I've thirsted for in moments
in between
there....and here.
But what kind of favours
does a girl have to sell
just to bathe in the mud,
cause the only rain
that falls here
get blinked back
in fits of false laughter.
How am I gonna
lower the hemisphere
To drown the sun
when I can’t get
a firm grasp on the horizon
or reality.

So I'll just wait
'til you invite
me into your
bayou.


© Copyright 2004 Dawn van Krieken-Smith - All Rights Reserved
Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989

1 posted 2004-01-23 11:49 AM


Dawn OUTSTANDING. each line is one I LOVE!
steavenr
Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058

2 posted 2004-01-23 11:54 AM


this is extremely well-written, but my favorite part was:

"How am I gonna
lower the hemisphere
To drown the sun
when I can’t get
a firm grasp on the horizon
or reality."

Great write.  Fun to read.

garysgirl
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237
Florida, USA
3 posted 2004-01-23 11:58 AM


Dawn, I really like this!! I love the way you
talk. Do you have a Southern Drawl like I do?  LOL
Hugs,  
Ethel

muted
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2004-01-15
Posts 2949
Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving
4 posted 2004-01-23 12:09 PM


~thank you~

just stopped in Ethel to tell you that yes i have a southern drawl! Im from south carolina but i left in '95 and been in australia ever since....

so now i guess im 'extremely southern'
LOL...

Edder
Senior Member
since 2003-04-02
Posts 671

5 posted 2004-01-23 12:32 PM


I didn't know you when you were here before, but somehow I think I've missed your writing... if that's possible.
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
6 posted 2004-01-23 12:32 PM


I love this piece! Excellent!
Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793

7 posted 2004-01-23 01:17 PM


I love a well told story..and one which hints at sensuality as well as a bit of mystery..well. I'm a sucker for.
well set. with wording and imagery.. and it reads smooth as southern comfort.. and seemed to have the same kick..
well written...

I enjoyed


Pilgrimage
Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945
Texas, USA
8 posted 2004-01-23 04:27 PM


The metaphors just keep coming in this one. I felt like I was running to catch up. Some very effective images-I like this.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

Sadelite
Member Elite
since 2003-10-11
Posts 2519

9 posted 2004-01-23 11:51 PM


Enjoyed the incredible write!
                Sadelite

iliana
Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434
USA
10 posted 2004-01-23 11:55 PM


This was an incredible writing -- wow -- good writing!
Copperbell
Senior Member
since 2003-11-08
Posts 956

11 posted 2004-01-24 12:15 PM


I like this too - just had to say so.
Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
12 posted 2004-01-24 11:57 AM


Dawn~
You just keep getting betterer and betterer~
Wonderful, wonderful penning here~
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost,
the spirit rejoices over what it has left.
- Sufi epigram <))><

noles1@totcon.com

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #30 » Bayou

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary