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a seek for forgiveness
| Open Poetry #30 |
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a seek for forgiveness |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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it wasn't on purpose I sat in silence that day and didn't unleash my usual crappy jokes you sulked later that I was growing too self-assured for your liking~ I might feel comfortable enough to dabble in oh-so-coming-of-age solitude but what about you? but dear, I know not the grip of my own handshake Is it as firm as a man's ought to be, yet gentle enough so that tenderness may still have a place? only you can enlighten me and grant me perspective along my fumbling path to the person I aspire to be and I'm sorry |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
A Kaile poem! Yay! Okies..I'm impressed by most of it...but there are a few cringe elements...most noticeably your inversion: 'I know not the grip of my own handshake' I know not? Compare that to 'I don't know the grip of my own handshake.' That sounds just a like a sentence doesn't it? A guess - you inverted the line to make it sound poetic, because you thought it was too simple, or not poetic enough to go with the straightforward version? My advice - walk away from the inversion  It's weak. Stay strong...Ok, you have the last line - and I'm sorry... I wonder - is that really necessary? It reads like an add on...and in fact, considering the title it's just tautological. I'd consider removing it. The word 'crappy' - hm...it has a certain tone, but I'm not sure that tone is the right one for the rest of the piece. Usual jokes would suffice... Questions in poems - there's a dilemna here. Questions are undeniably a weakening agent in a poem (I know, many disagree). Technically, you're asking questions so they need Q marks...howeeeeeever...you're a poet...heh, with a poet's license. On the rare occasions I ask a question (coindentally - posting a poem here shortly which has a Q in it..hah, how ironic)...I turn it into a statement instead. Like a question that becomes rhetorical I suppose... In your case - you could do away entirely with the 'what about you?' line, for a couple of reasons: A - you don't go onto explore that.it's just there so it reads like an defensive accusation. B - such a defensive accusation doesn't fit well in a 'seek for forgiveness.' The other question? Well..I rather like the verse, but my own anti-questionism says 'there must be another way to write that!' Favourite bit: 'you sulked later that I was growing too self-assured for your liking~ I might feel comfortable enough to dabble in oh-so-coming-of-age solitude' Well done, poet brother...that's great... Hugs you  K |
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Laoha Member
since 2003-03-07
Posts 161Nevada, USA |
I am learning. |
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muted
since 2004-01-15
Posts 2949Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving |
~im no critic i liked this... |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Hi K, thanks for the critique! thank goodness i havent sent out this musing to my friend yet.. er, you are absolutely right about the inversion. i thought "I know not" sounded more poetic. how embarrassing...  "and i'm sorry" is indeed an add-on. i guess i didn't want my friend to read this and then roll her eyes and accuse, "i don't know what you think you are doing with this, kaile. are you trying to be deep here?" similarly, "crappy" is an effort to downplay myself? guess that backfired in my face huh? you remind me (yet again) that a poem written for the general reader should be different from the poem that is written for a particular person in mind. shame on me. will try to internalise this lesson. "what about you?" is an unfortunate mistake...i guess what i meant was: you sulked later that I was growing too self-assured for your liking~ I might feel comfortable enough to dabble in oh-so-coming-of-age solitude and had conveniently chucked you aside I do remember how you feel about adverbs though..  will rethink this a littleHugs you back! Laoha, thanks for the flattering compliment. i don't know what i can possibly offer with my writing though. but will keep trying, as i'm sure we all do muted, it's okay. thanks for telling me you liked this. I'm happy to hear! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Ah.....I see about the 'what about you' now...yes, it's ambiguous as is.... trying to hear with the reader's mind..it can be really hard...a matter of training perhaps.... K |
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nn Member
since 2000-09-18
Posts 75 |
Liked it |
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