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Crystal Spining Rewrite
| Open Poetry #30 |
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Crystal Spining Rewrite |
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DavePage Member Elite
since 2003-12-21
Posts 2917 |
Crystal spinning weaves Skating thin ice Loving reality Hydra with gen Liquid your thoughts firing again restless body moves shape changing as it churns Golden demanding Filled earned |
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| © Copyright 2004 Dave Page - All Rights Reserved | |||
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
are you making snowcones? |
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DavePage Member Elite
since 2003-12-21
Posts 2917 |
Just trying to understand. I asked Jean to decide which version she liked. She said the first one published. I asked her why. She said it flowed better and she was very unhappy with the short version. Dave |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hi..first let me say welcome to the forum, (I know I'm late, but I'm infamous for being late--and that's no excuse so forgive me?) but lessee, if I understand correctly this was your first version? Like crystal spinning weaves Skating on thin ice "Loving reality but never being nice Now the hydra mixes with the gen The liquid of your thoughts Is fire yet again Now your body moves With ever restless shape You skin is gold And so my fill I take" To-- Crystal spinning weaves Skating thin ice Loving reality Hydra with gen Liquid your thoughts firing again restless body moves shape changing as it churns Golden demanding Filled earned. I actually like both--and I'm not familiar with your friend Jean but she has a good ear for meter--the first does flow well, and I agree on the re-write, but only a tweak or so. I think the second version would work better with some selective punctuation. Just my opinion, (of course)  but I find sometimes a well placed comma, semi colon or even a dash can help the reader make the pause that would otherwise be read into the work had it been performed for them. (I believe Emily Dickinson employed the use of punctuation in place of syllable count to round out otherwise awkward meter too)But all in all, the poem has movement and vision, a fine start and bridges to the satisfying conclusion. I hope to read more of your work. (I confess, I have been reading, but sometimes I just read quietly--some people prefer me that way.  )I'll look for more in the future tho. Enjoyed. And tell Jean hello for me too. |
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