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Open Poetry #30
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Looking Back Rondeau (revised)
| Open Poetry #30 |
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Looking Back Rondeau (revised) |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
Looking Back Rondeau If I had known I'd be alone when Autumn came, a wizened crone too tired, too sick to even care, perhaps I would have tried to share my life; for now, like sterile stone, like yellowed, desiccated bone, my life is sere. But I won't moan. Would I fear Fate's unblinking stare, if I had known? I never found a love to own, but borrowed flutes play sweeter tones. I still recall a cobbled square, a stolen waltz, the summer air. Would I have hummed domestic drones if I had known? Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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| © Copyright 2004 Nancy Wilcox - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
Pilgrimage - this write has so much in it. I was in awe when reading the words and meanings of it all... BC |
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Marsha
since 2000-07-10
Posts 7423Maidstone Kent England |
Nan darling heart, as always when you write I’m stunned at the sheer wonder and ability you have. I would say envious but the fact you are entirely too talented for me to be jealous of precludes that, besides which you are also one of my sweetest and dearest friends. Thank you for the beautiful way you present such art to my eyes darling one reading you is always a pleasure And yes I love it utterly as always Mushy    Tomorrow is another day I don't know what it holds |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
Bill and Marsha-thanks, guys. I'm glad you like it, I've worked hard on it. Revision, revision, revision. Sigh. Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
NIce writing...James |
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wordwizard Member
since 2003-09-08
Posts 483on the way to next world |
much can be regretted by looking back...but that is part of life...we really don't know where we are at any moment except when we look back in retrospect perhaps...nice write  Happy New Yearecrivan |
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harash Member
since 2003-12-27
Posts 99India |
Great depth in this write....lovely.. always Harash |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
makes me think |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi Pilgrim. You have a critique flag checked I see so I'm just going to give you some feedback. I'm assuming that you deliberately, and with great care even (since you mentioned you've been revising), chose to make every single line in your poem rhyme with either rondeau or care. So that makes it....11 lines for rondeau and 4 for care. The problem I see is that many of your rhymes seem forced. This poem gives me two conflicting messages - one: you really do care about the subject matter; I can see your heart in this. Two: this poem screams out 'every line must rhyme! It has to rhyme, or else.' Unfortunately, that really messes with the flow and any natural feeling you might have been hoping for. You see, the format of your poem actually looks like freeverse and it's like you're cramming in all those rhymes because you think poetry has to rhyme, or that without rhyme there will be no flow. I really suggest you loosen up on your rhyming. Try some non-rhyming images to get your point across... these rhymes in particular seem really forced: wizened crone, sterile stone (as opposed to living, warm-blooded, fertile stone?), domestic drones. The worst by far is 'I won't moan.' You've used some quite nice language in here and then you put in 'I won't moan.' Admit it - that's there simply because it rhymes isn't it? Your care, share, air, square rhymes work better. Share is particularly nice because of its enjambment - the clause runs into the next line. Very nice. Autumn shouldn't be capitalised either...just needs a small 'a'. I'd think about having fate with a small 'f' because it reads a lot like greek mythology with an 'F'. Anyway, just my thoughts. Thanks,  K |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
James, Martin, Harash, Shadows--thanks guys, for reading and taking the time to comment. Looking back can be a good thing, but sometimes it's nonproductive. I just thought this would be an interesting perspective for a poem. Severn: thank you so much for taking the time to critique this for me. I appreciate the attention you've given the poem. A Rondeau is a form poem, with a formal rhyme scheme. If it isn't followed, it isn't a Rondeau. The repeating line doesn't have to rhyme, and usually doesn't, but the one I chose just happened to. I actually thought 'I won't moan' was good, because it indicates that although things are looking bad now, I had choices to make and I made them. I'm just wondering if I would have made different choices if I had known what the life I chose would lead to. I thought 'autumn' had to be capitalized, since it's the proper name of the season. I'll change that. Thanks. Since I'm personalizing 'fate' shouldn't I capitalize it? Have you any suggestion for another group of words besides 'sterile stone' that would work better there? Keeping in mind the rhyme requirement, and the meter requirement too. I'd like any feedback you could give me. I don't like my rhymes to seem forced, I truly don't. Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Is it? A form poem?  I'm astonished lol...you see, I just write freeverse - couldn't write a form poem if I tried I think..you learn something new every day etc. Well then, that puts your poem in a whole new light. ~nervous~ - me advising on form poem...ok, right...here we go lol. I've just done some searching and found this site: http://www.public.asu.edu/~aarios/formsofverse/reports2000/page6.html which has given me more of an idea of the form. The thing I've seized on is the idea that it's a lyrical form - originally the words were set to music. The ones I've read via my search have all flowed quite nicely, with what I would term 'quiet' rhymes. I've noticed the poem doesn't seem to rely so much on the rhyme, whereas yours, as it is, is most definitely relying on it. I think what it is actually, and why the 'care\air\square' (I forgot stare) etc seems to flow so much better, and is more unobtrusive, is simply that it's a short vowel sound. Air. Stare. Care. Short vowel sounds. Whereas, alone, crone, tone etc. Rather long vowel sounds so at the end of so many many lines we have a long-sounding repetition. Also I've noticed that most, if not all actually, of the refrains don't actually rhyme with the a rhyme. As yours does, there's no break in the rhyme whatsoever: known alone That's something I'd definitely look at, as I think it's possible that the rhyming of known and alone etc is technically incorrect. Also, by having an unrhyming refrain there's a useful break in the solid rhyme. Unfortunately for you, lol, I have no advice on the long-sounding alone/crone part of things - that would mean suggesting finding an entirely new rhyme with a short vowel sound and therefore changing the entire poem, which you've obviously worked so hard on already. Now I can give advice on the actual images though. You have a heavy reliance on an adjective/noun sentence structure, which I think adds to the somewhat plodding nature of the overall piece. wizened - adjective crone - noun sterile - adjective stone - noun yellowed - adjective dessicated - adjective bone - noun unblinking - adjective stare - noun sweeter - adjective tones - noun cobbled - adjective square - noun stolen - adjective waltz - noun summer - adjective air - noun domestic - adjective drones - noun It's a visual repetition as well as a textual one. That visual repetition hinders flow. It's like...having a series of dams in a river...rather than just gliding from image to image like a river running smoothly, the images stop and start. adjective...noun. adjective...noun. adjective noun. Also - your reliance on that pattern adds a LOT to the effect that your rhyming, and even your meter, is forced. All of these images could come across just as clearly minus the adjectives. You could just as simply have, for example, 'when autumn came, a crone' or 'my life; for now, like stone' without losing any meaning. Again - not natural. I think you need to try to flesh out your lines by losing at least half of these adjectives. You don't want your poem to look like you have relied on anything to carry it through. This would mean you need to reshape your poem, though; you'd need to change your entire structure in order to keep the meter. That could be hard. A small amount of adjective/nouns would work well I think. For instance, this: I still recall a cobbled square, a stolen waltz, the summer air. is quite lovely and I wouldn't necessarily change that (except for minor changes to create decasyllabic lines if required). http://members.optusnet.com.au/kazoom/poetry/rondeau.html That link might be helpful - this author uses hardly any adjective/noun patterns. Next thing. In the first link I notice that the lines are supposed to be decasyllable - 10 syllables. Yours are not. Perhaps you have different information? That said, where are you getting the information for your meter scheme and what meter are you using exactly? I have basic knowledge of meter as I don't use it in my own writing. From what I can see however you use iambic - da dum da dum da dum etc in the first two lines, but the third line is almost non-metric, and then the iambic continues. Iambic is suited well to decasyllabic lines, so if you rewrite this to 10 syllable lines (aside from the refrain), it should be possible to insert the iambic quite easily. I just haven't read anything yet about a strict meter requirement in a rondeau. As to the term 'moan' - it's not the meaning that I was concerned with, it's the forced-rhyme element. Compared to your language 'I won't moan' reads very colloquially. It's a very simple way of saying 'I won't complain' and it just happens to fit the rhyme scheme. Fate - you are technically correct there. It should be capitalised. However, do you want an element of archaic, paganistic fatalism in your poem? It's an element that sticks out like a sore thumb, in keeping with the rest of the poem, to me at least. That, I think, is it for now. In regards to the long-vowel rhyme scheme can I make a suggestion to you? You could actually cross-post this and put it in the CA forum - there are a few people who are very skilled in form poetry in there, and I'm sure they'd have some more advice for this. Hope I've been of some help, hugs K |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
Severn, thank you so much for your help. I intended to write the poem in iambic tetrameter. Most Rondeaus are tetrameter or pentameter. I really appreciate the comments on the adjective/noun/adjective/noun thing. I'll work on that. I'll try to get a different thing going with the 'moan' one too. Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
Pilgrimage -- (like the name!) -- this is such a bitter/sweet write, but I really liked it. |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
Thank you iliana.  Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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