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Open Poetry #30
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Cpat Hair
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0 posted 2004-01-08 10:01 AM



This bleed of sun
red across the coming black
holds clouds of you
and I
I would be the air to hold them
in cradled grasp of thought
tender mingle of fingered reach
that touched the palm
and slid in sweat of skin

Yet the sun does rest soon
and in its absence would I could be
the light to lay in subtle form
on the curve of your back
the rise of your hips
    or be the breath that gasped
in lustful arch against my own
until we walked naked
on sands washed
      clean of any other touch
but that of our own

settle this the twilight words
and know the stars soon
born of blackened sky
  will reign
     and I will again
be lost in thoughts
of you

© Copyright 2004 Cpat Hair - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
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Listening to every heart
1 posted 2004-01-08 10:03 AM



Smiling...
thankful for the gifts
you leave.

garysgirl
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2 posted 2004-01-08 10:31 AM


This bleed of sun
red across the coming black
holds clouds of you
and I
I would be the air to hold them
in cradled grasp of thought
tender mingle of fingered reach
that touched the palm
and slid in sweat of skin


Oh my, Capt. Ron....what a beautiful and
sensual poem this is. I love it.  
Hugs  
Ethel


iliana
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since 2003-12-05
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USA
3 posted 2004-01-08 10:33 AM


Beautifully written!
Martie
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California
4 posted 2004-01-08 10:39 AM


Wonderful, Ron...from the title to the last line!
Susan Caldwell
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since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348
Florida
5 posted 2004-01-08 10:40 AM


You know what you make with words?  

Love...

"if you won't let me fall for you
then you won't see the best that I would love to do for you"
~Dido~

LeeJ
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since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296

6 posted 2004-01-08 10:46 AM


beautiful!!!!
Enchantress
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since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
7 posted 2004-01-08 11:30 AM


"Yet the sun does rest soon
and in its absence would I could be
the light to lay in subtle form
on the curve of your back
the rise of your hips
    or be the breath that gasped
in lustful arch against my own
until we walked naked
on sands washed
      clean of any other touch
but that of our own"

Damn....
...........just damn!

    In the midst of winter..
I found there lives within me,
    an invincible summer.

Greeneyes
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8 posted 2004-01-08 11:56 AM


settle this the twilight words
and know the stars soon
born of blackened sky
  will reign
     and I will again
be lost in thoughts
of you

sigh, soft and gentle....

~~**~~
This morning theres a calm I cant explain
By the time I recognize this moment it will be gone,  
I will bend light pretending it lingers on

Duncan
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since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455

9 posted 2004-01-08 12:00 PM


"Yet the sun does rest soon
and in its absence would I could be
the light to lay in subtle form
on the curve of your back
the rise of your hips
    or be the breath that gasped
in lustful arch against my own
until we walked naked
on sands washed
      clean of any other touch
but that of our own"

Well...I'm awake now!!!  

passing shadows
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since 1999-08-26
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displaced
10 posted 2004-01-08 12:55 PM


uh...wow
Kaoru
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where the wild flowers grow
11 posted 2004-01-08 01:09 PM


Blinding and brilliant.
Marge Tindal
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12 posted 2004-01-08 04:12 PM


CPat~
My goodness ... felt heat from the forums and had to track it down~

'Yet the sun does rest soon
and in its absence would I could be
the light to lay in subtle form
on the curve of your back'


Like this thought~
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost,
the spirit rejoices over what it has left.
- Sufi epigram
         noles1@totcon.com

Toerag
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since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622
Ala bam a
13 posted 2004-01-08 05:09 PM


Smiling..
thankful for the gifts
you leave..

Oh wait..Sunshine said that..

Oh my, Capt.Ron...what a beautiful
and sensual poem this is. I
love it...

Oh wait, Ethel said that..

Beautifully written!

Oh wait, iliana said that..

Wonderful Ron..from the title to the
last line!...

Oh wait...Martie said that..

Okay...so a bunch of people agree with me....
well done ya reprobate!!!

wintertao
Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL
14 posted 2004-01-08 05:12 PM


hmmmmm....I think this could be much better...a rather generic love poem...sorry to be harsh. There is really nothing here creative-wise to seperate this from the 10,000 love poems I have already read.
Cpat Hair
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15 posted 2004-01-08 05:30 PM


thank to you all..for the comments and the read.. the nice words are appreciated...

Wintertao...lol.. show me then how it can be made better... don't just tell me it is bad or commonplace..if you know that, then show me where it can be made better. It is easy to say such things, but show me you know what you are talking about..

wintertao
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Okaloosa Island, FL
16 posted 2004-01-08 05:52 PM


ok....some over-used cliche themes

"on the curve of your back
the rise of your hips
    or be the breath that gasped
in lustful arch against my own"

the curves, the rise, the arch...find
some new words....the whole last stanza can be cut...I am not here to prove anything...its just my opinion take it or leave it. You put critique on your poem so I did that.

the ending is weak...

Cpat Hair
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17 posted 2004-01-08 05:56 PM


not at all sure I agree with you... but in the land of words and writing we are all endowed with opinions... and people do not have to agree always.

rather than debate the merits or lack of merit on this particular poem I think I'll simply thank you for the input and let it lie as it is


serenity blaze
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since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

18 posted 2004-01-08 05:59 PM


Actually, I thought the ending not weak at all, but gentle, like the author...

and having been the victim of stalled cool fronts in muggy La. I can vouch for the fact that a cool breeze is never cliche'.

It's renewal every time.

Welcome home, Cap.


KristieSue
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19 posted 2004-01-08 06:20 PM


I agree COMPLETELY with the general population's opinion.  You are amazing Ron.

Failure isn't failure if a lesson from it is learned ~ KS

wintertao
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since 2003-11-17
Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL
20 posted 2004-01-08 06:22 PM


OK...is this the Ron that runs this board or another anyway doesnt matter... don't know Ron...If you don't want critique on your poems then un-check the box. If you think this is harsh critique I would be more than happy to invite you onto some other boards I frequent.
Cpat Hair
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21 posted 2004-01-08 06:34 PM


wintertao.. I thanked you for your input.. and said nothing about the critique being harsh, simply that I didn't agree with it... and was not complaining nor being defensive. I do not mind your thoughts on my poems and value the opinions of others, good or bad...

no need to act offended... none was intended

and no..this is not the Ron that runs the board.. this is another ron. This ron listens to what is said and decides whether or not it at the time has merit and is meaningful to what he wanted to accomplish with a piece, thanks people for their input and goes on his merry way to try again another day... rarely do I bristle up.. and rarely do I take offense... so not sure where you thought I was...


wintertao
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Okaloosa Island, FL
22 posted 2004-01-08 06:37 PM


I guess it was the lol that confused me...
Cpat Hair
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23 posted 2004-01-08 06:38 PM


lol.. I'm easily amused... and your response amused me...
wintertao
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Okaloosa Island, FL
24 posted 2004-01-08 06:39 PM


wasn't meant to amuse
Cpat Hair
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25 posted 2004-01-08 06:43 PM


(chuckling)... often things which are not meant to amuse..do amuse me.. call me a sick puppy.. but I find humor in some things others don't...

your reply amused me.. what can I say... something in the way it is worded or the way it was read by me, made me see humor in it and in myself.. self importance is often the reason we get angry when someone says something negative about what we write or about us personally.. ego if you will...
my ego simply set aside any self importance it might have felt the need to excersize and laughed at itself and at the reply as a reminder that no matter how many people like something..there are always people who do not.. you did not..and you had the brass to say so.. it made me chuckle..

go figure...


Ratleader
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26 posted 2004-01-08 11:03 PM


This bleed of sun
red across the coming black
holds clouds of you

Striking imagery and use of the colors within your words, binding secondary meanings with primary into a well knit whole.

Think of it...bleed of sun...shows movement as light bleeds away, added to the doubled meaning of color and of fading down the sky toward dusk, and the movement of color as it increases in hue with the setting of the sun. Incredibly creative, as is the phrasing in "coming black" which is again a doubling of the words' power by using both their meanings and connotations to flesh out the scene. "Clouds of you," holds the same tone and builds on what has gone before, with the implications of "cloud" playing off the actual sight in the reader's mind of sunset clouds.

The emotional tone, the quality of the human relationship and the scene itself have been painted with a sure hand, and in the barest minimum of words.

That's just the first three lines...you continue through this poem with clarity and strength, right down to the last line.

Humdrum? Usual? Used? I think not! There's not a poet here who wouldn't be proud to clam this as their own. I certainly would be.

The only thing typical about this poem would be that its depth and strength of presentation are typical of the way you write.

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>   ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>  ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº>    ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

Sadelite
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since 2003-10-11
Posts 2519

27 posted 2004-01-08 11:17 PM


This bleed of sun
red across the coming black
holds clouds of you
and I
I would be the air to hold them
in cradled grasp of thought

loved this part.   The rhythm, image, and flow are tremendous.

                    Sadelite

Greeneyes
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28 posted 2004-01-09 12:16 PM


This bleed of sun
red across the coming black
holds clouds of you '''


I have to agree with Ed on this....amazing imagery!! but you do that with all your work!


hugssss...
Lauren~

~*~
In your light I learn how to love
In your beauty how to make poems
You dance inside my chest where no one sees you and that sight becomes art

Mysteria
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29 posted 2004-01-09 12:19 PM


Well I was amused and loved this Captain Ron, and if this is cliche', bring it on! ;  It is a very nice thing this night to read your words.
Toerag
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Ala bam a
30 posted 2004-01-09 08:11 AM


edit by moderator

[This message has been edited by Greeneyes (01-09-2004 05:07 PM).]

Toerag
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Ala bam a
31 posted 2004-01-09 08:26 AM


cpathairless....you're a sick puppy....are ya happy now?..LOL...you silly (edit by moderator)....whassup my friend?....(edit by moderator)...I guess we'll all have to be a little more professional in our posts....Of course, you well know, that being the Master Poet that I am, I have no problem with this...but the rest of you will have to straighten up...LOL

[This message has been edited by Greeneyes (01-09-2004 04:31 PM).]

Cpat Hair
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32 posted 2004-01-09 09:12 AM


(chuckling).. Toe..you old coot..you know that I never claimed myself to be a poet..more a scribbler of sorts who likes of course to sneak a peak at the ladies legs when the wind blows their skirts up, then try to write about it so when the medications kick in I can pretend I'm as dashing as you and make the ladies swoon and Deer jealous.

How you doing these days? I see you been giving that simply slimy duo of Deer and Lng Jhn a good what for and keeping them in line. Thank god for people like you Toe who can take on such a monumental task and not wince in the face of such adversity. I'm guessing there must be thoudands of men who even if banded together, wouldn't have the courage to write about Deer hiding under some nuns skirt only to find out the nun was in fact Lng Jhn...
I did kind of wonder though, how it was Lng Jhn could pass as a nun, then I took another look at his picture and figured it out.


good to see you around my friend... hope your doing well...

Cpat Hair
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33 posted 2004-01-09 09:32 AM


Ed... bud you are mor than kind.. thank you sir for the very kind words..

and thank to everyone who read and commented... it is greatly appreciated..

Now... wintertao is absolutely right to say what his/her thoughts were on the poem and I took no offense. My profile is marked for critques and I invite anyone to show me where I might do better or where what I write falls short in their read...

just because someone doesn't like something I write or doesn't think what I writeis creative..or that perhaps I am trite or write on overused themes, doesn't mean they are right or wrong, just means it is their opinion. we all know how opinions are..they are like...

oh wait.. can't write that here

One sure measure of the worth of a critics opinion is always in the things they themselves write and a collective understanding of what it is they think poetry is..and what constitutes good poetry in their mind. I always recommend that before you put yourself down because someone is critical, or before you let the critique tweak you, that you take the time to see how qualified in your own mind the person is to offer the advice or insight.

Now..I say all this... because I think in some ways wintertao's comments on my poem may have seemed unkind to some of you... but he/she has aright to their opinion and believe me, I'm not easily hurt or offended by such opinions as he/she expressed.

luv ya all... for the support and for understanding the why of me not being around much of late..and for still welcoming me back even though I'm not too comfortable with making lots of replies and telling you all how YOUR words..impress and make me feel..


Toerag
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Ala bam a
34 posted 2004-01-09 09:37 AM


what a bunch of crap.....you usually respond to my fine poetry?....and the reason you don't come around much anymore is because you're so intimidated by fine poets like myself....and, "We all know what opinions are like...oh wait, can't say that here."....have you read the stuff I write here?.....Who says you can't say that here?...Nobody told me that?.....Let's go get a xanax and a few shots of scotch..ya wanna?...I'll show ya some poetry then!!!
Cpat Hair
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35 posted 2004-01-09 09:44 AM


a few shots of bourbon for me Toe.. never did develop the class to drink scotch... in fact prefer a good vodka tonic these days... but bourbon..well.. I think if you and I sat down to have one or two it would be bourbon on my part..lol..

you bet.... let's go..


as for a bunch of crap..and as for being intimidated... you always were one to see through my artifices... must be all those years chasing around trying to keep them other two scallywags in line.. you just developed a clean eye to see through people..

as usual toe..I'm humbled...



Toerag
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Ala bam a
36 posted 2004-01-09 10:08 AM


Yea, I'll bet you're humbled, LOL...you're one of the better poets/story tellers here, and I'm sure you're aware of that....if I could make my mind work like it did prior to 1967, I could write good stuff too...
Cpat Hair
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37 posted 2004-01-09 10:15 AM


Toe... I joke and kid.. but don't ever think I am not humbled by the humor and the tenacity as well as the courage you have shown us all...

as for being ne of the better poets or story tellers here... nah.. I'm just a dumb old country boy who obviously likes to hear himself talk...

first round is on me... hell.. maybe the second one too.

hey.. just had a thought..we can invite lng jhn and toe along...and stick them with teh bill while you and I suck up all the booze and catch all the women. I figure Deer'd make good bait... he looks kind of like one of those momma's boys the girls seem to pity...and lng jhn..well.. I'm guessing after wearing that nuns uniform, he may come in drag which we can use to distract the other guys in the bar..

think it'll work?

wintertao
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Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL
38 posted 2004-01-09 11:09 AM



"I see we have a new pro online...wintertowel"

toerag - not to worry wintertowel has learned his lesson toe, you won't find me offering opinions here anymore.

Cpat Hair - you seem like a cool cat, thnx
for understanding, peace out.


harash
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since 2003-12-27
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India
39 posted 2004-01-09 11:12 AM


A brilliant write my dear.......

always harash

Toerag
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Ala bam a
40 posted 2004-01-09 11:29 AM


Wintertao.....I hope you weren't offended by my craziness.....if you were....just look at the crap I post...I haven't got a serious bone in my body....(just ask the women I've been with)....
suthern
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41 posted 2004-01-09 05:33 PM


I had to read the poem, read the responses... then go back and read the poem again. *S* Believe me... that can't be considered punishment... this is excellent, my friend... I'd have to plagiarize to write such vivid images... and there wouldn't be many to "borrow" from. *G*
inkedgoddess
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Ohio
42 posted 2004-01-09 09:02 PM


beautiful and mastery of the sunset on the heels of amor
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