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Open Poetry #30
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Cellophane Girl
| Open Poetry #30 |
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Cellophane Girl |
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exhale Senior Member
since 2003-06-13
Posts 646Alberta,Canada 
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my heart feels like its leaking don't mind me i'm just here to clean up after myself wouldn't want you to know i was here in love with you don't mind me i'll just go off and cry in the corner but thats ok they're just tears they're just tears cellophane girl... "hello my name is distance.." |
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| © Copyright 2004 Chelsea - All Rights Reserved | |||
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
Poetry is a good way to let the heart "leak" and to clean up after oneself! I'm not much one for giving deep critiques, just comments usually. .....  |
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McLean Member
since 2004-01-05
Posts 484state of marital bliss |
This is really neat. "Cellophane" leaves me wondering about this transparent character. "I'm just here to clean up after myself, I wouldn't want you to know I was here"....I LOVE THIS statement. Very good! McLean |
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Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
My favorite movie of the recent past is Chicago With the scene Cellophane as a personal favorite part, So I was hopeful of a nice transparent person poem here, Was disappointed with only the last line as any reference at all to the title. A better title might have been Cleaning up the Tears And then leaving the last line out, Which in this poem had no real meaning. Since I’m talk of leaving lines out The repeat of the line is useless also There’s nothing particularly haunting about it or anything else to make it repeat. By now you are saying wow he really is tearing this up, Not really, I like the poem if you just leave the last two lines off. Gloom |
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Michelle_loves_Mike
since 2003-12-20
Posts 1189Pennsylvania |
Hard choice to make,,,hide,,,,or open yourself and show,,, Michelle I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
clever concept |
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EvocativeVerse2 Senior Member
since 2003-09-10
Posts 1279 |
I must confess I like the title. I agree with the professor that the repeated line should be dropped. I would however keep the line Cellophane Girl and expand upon it. Describe for me this transparent person. Is she two dimensional? I really would like to know. Excellent start. I hope to see a revised version of this piece. I want to read more! Remember, if you're not part of the future, you're history! |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Enjoyoed...James |
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