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Open Poetry #30
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alan6501
Member
since 2004-01-03
Posts 89
PA

0 posted 2004-01-05 12:55 PM


Ricochet

An inspiration above and beyond
A thought ricochets through the air then ripples the pond

Elastically woven to produce so much more.
This presence shines through the dark and opens my door

Pieces of a puzzle decorate every room
Then are highlighted by the aura that shines from the moon

Galaxies exist and everything's bright
Heroes are falling while day becomes night

Unaware of the future we ought to be
Cause gashes of war to scar eternally

Dosage of a medicine that's extremely strong
Make our hands grasp the pen that writes this true song


I wrote this poem about a year and a half ago. I was trying to show "constant motion" and the complexity of our world and the forces that are within it whether of sadness, power, happiness, and so on. Does that come across at all? Please be honest. I think it needs some work.

© Copyright 2004 Alan B. Stallsmith - All Rights Reserved
wintertao
Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL
1 posted 2004-01-05 02:08 PM


I like this alot...imo w/o the last 2 stanza's, 5 & 6, the poem is much stronger. The last 2 just dont seem to fit to me...when I read it aloud and stop on S4 I think, excellent. It leaves just a little mystery hanging....if you don't want to stop on S4 just try working some more on S5/S6 and I'm sure you'll come up with something.
Anyway, its very good, well done indead.

Terrina
Member
since 2003-12-31
Posts 166
California
2 posted 2004-01-05 03:22 PM


Pieces of a puzzle decorate every room
Then are highlighted by the aura that shines from the moon

I love this. This is a great poem.

DavePage
Member Elite
since 2003-12-21
Posts 2917

3 posted 2004-01-05 04:12 PM


I like it but you have a magic poem that needs to come alive and I feel you have a gift to make it something special.

Dave

Comments:

An inspiration above and beyond

Can I suggest take out the first line and maybe

thoughts and inspiration richochet driving a pond to weave changing dark to a vision of light from my door.

Dave
I wrote this poem about a year and a half ago. I was trying to show "constant motion" and the complexity of our world and the forces that are within it whether of sadness, power, happiness, and so on. Does that come across at all? Please be honest. I think it needs some work.


DavePage
Member Elite
since 2003-12-21
Posts 2917

4 posted 2004-01-05 04:15 PM


Sorry I forgot to delete your last words from my notes.

It looks like me saying it under the Dave bit.

Michelle_loves_Mike
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2003-12-20
Posts 1189
Pennsylvania
5 posted 2004-01-05 07:28 PM


yes,,,you get your point accross quite well,,,,we are always looking to improve our words,,these,,are good as is
Michelle

I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike

alan6501
Member
since 2004-01-03
Posts 89
PA
6 posted 2004-01-05 09:11 PM


Thanks for all of your thoughtful feedback! I think I'm going to keep it as is, though. Thanks for the advice, though!
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