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Open Poetry #30
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eminor_angel
Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323
Canada

0 posted 2003-12-28 06:58 PM


Back again, after a long hiatus. I wrote this a couple of months ago. I'd love constructive critiques. (I look forward to reading everyone's works in my absence!)


Breathe The Moon

Orb Goddess
Your fingertips bruise my mind
I inhale you whole
Take away my full moon madness
Serpentine
Can I be truly deranged
If I am aware
That there are scorpions in the sky
That the stars are always fading
That the moon commands the tides
And the pulsing of my veins
In out
Low tide high
Exhale inhale
Breathe the moon

© Copyright 2003 eminor_angel - All Rights Reserved
wintertao
Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL
1 posted 2003-12-28 08:03 PM


I like this very much, but also think it could be better. I would try and think of alternatives to using the word "moon" in the body of the poem more than once.
Anyway, its cool as it is, well done.

KoKo
Senior Member
since 2003-02-15
Posts 995
Inside the shadow's shadow
2 posted 2003-12-28 10:24 PM


O_O! I loved this!!
ambrish
Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 257
India
3 posted 2003-12-29 02:57 AM


artistic and figurative.
*Belabebeautiful*
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Senior Member
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696
washington, USA
4 posted 2003-12-29 03:00 AM


I felt this piece deeply as I am a child of the moon myself! Nicely done I especailly like the shortness of the poem while still getting across a smooth and solid picture. Beautifully done
~Live and Laugh~

Because of you I laugh a little harder, smile a little more, and cry a little less
~Bella~

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
5 posted 2003-12-29 03:16 AM


I'm not good at critiques, but I know I like this poem
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