»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #29
»
give me ur honest opinion
| Open Poetry #29 |
|
give me ur honest opinion |
|
|
d3adey3 New Member
since 2003-11-19
Posts 2 |
Beauty and pain Reoccurring this dream I had Could this be good or bad Is this something about to occur Slowly my mind begins to stir A rose floating in the air Pondering on why it's there Marveling at its beauty Looking at it can be soothing But petal by petal They begin to fall Petal by petal They slowly begin to dissolve Grasping this beauty The thorns begin to pass through me Hand writhing with pain Driving me insane But the beauty I have now restored Has stopped the pain that once poured d3adey3 AmB |
||
| © Copyright 2003 d3adey3 - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Good Morning and Welcome to Passions! Enjoyed your entrance post. Please check your email for a special greeting. Nancy. |
||
|
EvocativeVerse2 Senior Member
since 2003-09-10
Posts 1279 |
Welcome to Passions. Glad you joined us. Give me your honest opinion? Mmm! The poem is centered around a strong enough theme. The rhyme scheme could use a bit of rework though. Marveling at its beauty Looking at it can be soothing This line in particular needs work. The two words beauty and soothing do not rhyme at all. Also you hodge podge the rhyme scheme around. At the moment as it stands you have written this piece in this metrical pattern. AABB CCDE FGFG HHII JJ This is a rough translation since some of the words are imperfect rhymes. It would be a more enjoyable read if the piece followed the same flow through out. I would rework it so the rhyme scheme went: AABB CCDD EEFF GGHH II In truth though it is a good piece and can stand as it is if you are not worried about the technical aspects of writing. I did enjoy the read. I hope thisa is the type of honesty you were looking for. Looking forward to your next post. Remember, if you're not part of the future, you're history! |
||
|
SharaRose Member Elite
since 2003-07-19
Posts 2501Somewhere out there~ |
I liked the hopeful feeling this left me with. It ends on a note of happy resolve in my mind. Thanks. Nice one!  Love, Terri~  |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Welcome to Passions. I think you're going to like it around here. Let us know if you have any questions! Karilea - if I whisper, will you listen? |
||
|
d3adey3 New Member
since 2003-11-19
Posts 2 |
Thx for some of the hints if yall could give me some more pointers on how to make this better i would really appreciate it Thx d3adey3 AmB |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
