The day that ill die..... - pipTalk Forums

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Jes
Member

since 2003-10-21

Posts 422
Denmark

0 posted 2003-10-25 12:14 PM

The day that I'll die !
I will not tend to cry.
But for a few !
it will only be like a blew.

I will smile !
And let those others wait awhile.
I am proud !
To live my life out of a crowd.

Give me no more time !
Just let the chords chime.
I'll be there when time is for mee !
No longer to be.

But my love !
Will always be above.
For all those !
Who became mee to close.

Smile

Jes

[This message has been edited by Jes (10-26-2003 08:30 AM).]

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2003-10-25 01:19 PM

Hello Jes. I'm glad you have your critique window marked and you are open to suggestions.  I found your poem a bit confusing, and need some clarification, please.

First, spelling is a big part of poetry, as much as good line breaks and rhyme add to any poem.

Here is yours, with some suggestions and requests for clarification.

The day that ill die !  ["ill", as in sick?  Or, "I'll", as in "I will"?]

I will not tend to cry.  [If you are deceased, how can you cry?]

But for a few !
it will only be like a blew.  [Highly confusing]

I will smile !
And let those others wait awhile.
I am proud !
To live my life out of a crowd.  [Pull in your exclamation points to the sentence or line.]

Give me no more time !
Just let the chords chime.
I'll be there when time is for mee ! [Spell check]
No longer to be.

But my love !
Will always be above.
For all those !
Who became mee to close.

[Exclamation points, do you really need them?  Last line is confusing]

Looking forward to your comments.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

2 posted 2003-10-25 01:27 PM

Jes, you have potential, and I'd love to see you grow and learn in poetry.

It is very hard to write sometimes. I know.

Keep smiling.

Jes
Member

since 2003-10-21

Posts 422
Denmark

3 posted 2003-10-26 08:29 AM

Smile thanks for telling.

Yes sometimes translation is abit hard but somehow, thats abit of mee and how i tell the story that im telling. I dont like to make things perfect, they must just tell my story.

Mostly i try to bring over a feeling when i write. Not the story in words thast written.

This feeling here for mee wasabit sad but also happy and telling i wouldnt do anything else like, then to live it the same way once again.
--

The day that I'll die !( the date on the stone )
I will not tend to cry. ( Meant just before the dead will come and catch mee
But for a few ! ( Some people who know mee )
it will only be like a blew.( Lol my own words i believe, but the meaning is they will not even think me over )

I will smile ! ( hehheheh im always smiling 9
And let those others wait awhile. ( Those on the other site )
I am proud ! ( Tells itself )
To live my life out of a crowd. ( Im not like everyone else we are all special )

Give me no more time ! ( When time is due its due )
Just let the chords chime.( So let it be it )
I'll be there when time is for mee !( I am ready when the moment is there )
No longer to be. ( And i have to cross )

But my love ! ( Those i really love )
Will always be above. ( They know i will always do no matter were i am )
For all those ! ( Those people who are to me special )
Who became mee to close. ( And came so close that they had a place in the heart itself )

Smile with the spelling i will give it a lift up.

And always welcome for critiques without we couldnt learn.

Jes

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