a haiku (attempt ?!?) - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

pandonov
Member

since 2003-10-03

Posts 478
b/w conscience and insolence

0 posted 2003-10-10 11:08 PM

i lightened my body
with your shadows
absorbed completely

[This message has been edited by pandonov (10-10-2003 11:13 PM).]

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

1 posted 2003-10-10 11:17 PM

(smiles) Oh Petre, this is beautiful, sweet friend, you always absorb the beauty deep into your heart like a sponge and lather the canvas with it! (big hugggsssssss) God Bless You, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Petre, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sun set and I perceive

***Live***

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

2 posted 2003-10-10 11:21 PM

I like it as is so don't take this as a critique. Personally I'd leave this as is. however a haiku as I understand deals exclusively with nature so this would be a senryu. And while i'm not sure if it's a static rule both haikus and senryus have a 5-7-5 syllable pattern

pandonov
Member

since 2003-10-03

Posts 478
b/w conscience and insolence

3 posted 2003-10-10 11:44 PM

thx I had no clue what haiku is rather than 3 lines and 5-7-5( the second I decided to bend. but really appreciate your advice

pandonov
Member

since 2003-10-03

Posts 478
b/w conscience and insolence

4 posted 2003-10-10 11:51 PM

thy both, angel beautiful heart.. uf i wish...

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

5 posted 2003-10-10 11:52 PM

a very good write even if not a haiku

enjoyed the thoughts you presented

pandonov
Member

since 2003-10-03

Posts 478
b/w conscience and insolence

6 posted 2003-10-11 12:15 PM

thx midnite, and all you

Kaoru

Member Elite

since 2003-06-07

Posts 3892
where the wild flowers grow

7 posted 2003-10-11 02:12 AM

Haiku or not.. I still dig it.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

8 posted 2003-10-11 07:15 AM

Good attempt. Aenimal is correct, 5-7-5 syllable count for Haiku and Senryu. If this were given the proper syllable count, it would be considered a senryu as it is personalized with human feelings.

Haiku are NOT easy poems to write. I look forward to seeing more attempts made by you.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.