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 Here's to Lovin' You, kid
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Passions in Poetry

Here's to Lovin' You, kid

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Kaoru
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 06-07-2003
Posts 3888
where the wild flowers grow


0 posted 08-17-2003 11:28 PM       View Profile for Kaoru   Email Kaoru   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Kaoru

Turn
my
lights off..

staggering
for i'd
rather not
walk.

no bearing
down,
no weight
nor burden.

i'll carry
only
you to
your early
shadow.

merely
just simply
adoration.

drowning myself
in the
anticipation

life
feeding upon
my life..

or was it
something i'd heard
long ago..

just
a memory

one i can throw
back as
if sand
in my shoe.

Turn my lights
right
off..

Staggering
is my only mode
of transportation
in
a world
where light

is the
one
true
evil.
© Copyright 2003 Meghan Armitage - All Rights Reserved
the_loner_23
Member Ascendant
since 06-08-2002
Posts 5670
Jacksonville, Florida, USA


1 posted 08-17-2003 11:30 PM       View Profile for the_loner_23   Email the_loner_23   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for the_loner_23

I love the darkness of this poem.

Cold hands means a warm heart

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 11-18-2002
Posts 7451
the ass-end of space


2 posted 08-17-2003 11:30 PM       View Profile for Aenimal   Email Aenimal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Aenimal

Staggering
is my only mode
of transportation
in
a world
where light

is the
one
true
evil.

incredible..yeah thats me too but you know that already
littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 03-02-2003
Posts 9998
New York


3 posted 08-17-2003 11:30 PM       View Profile for littlewing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for littlewing

as I fight the urge to sleep because I am alive within the night . . .
this is perfect Meg . . . just perfect
xxoo
QjQ
Member Elite
since 04-18-2003
Posts 3938
U.S.A.


4 posted 08-18-2003 01:22 AM       View Profile for QjQ   Email QjQ   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for QjQ




~*~
>>>~Terrific~<<<
~*~

     

garysgirl
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 09-29-2002
Posts 20064
Florida, USA


5 posted 08-18-2003 01:24 AM       View Profile for garysgirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit garysgirl's Home Page   View IP for garysgirl

Very good writing, Meghan....as are all
of your poetry.
Hugs to you  
Ethel
KoKo
Senior Member
since 02-15-2003
Posts 1012
Inside the shadow's shadow


6 posted 08-18-2003 02:29 AM       View Profile for KoKo   Email KoKo   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for KoKo

-Nod- This is incredible. It stings, your pain and frustration is more than evident. -Soft hugs- Incredible.

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
--Chang Tzu

MARK V SHELDON
Member Elite
since 06-21-2001
Posts 3075
In a corporeal internship...


7 posted 08-18-2003 03:03 AM       View Profile for MARK V SHELDON   Email MARK V SHELDON   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit MARK V SHELDON's Home Page   View IP for MARK V SHELDON

Sounds like a late night after expectations having been tarred and feathered...

-MVS

You CAN make a difference:
http://educate-yourself.org/

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis
since 11-19-2002
Posts 7522
Ohio


8 posted 08-18-2003 06:55 AM       View Profile for inkedgoddess   Email inkedgoddess   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for inkedgoddess

a world
where light

is the
one
true
evil

yes, it can be much of the time a rude, stark
awakening that slaps the face with cruelty
this is real good,
Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 12-27-2002
Posts 8464
Florida


9 posted 08-18-2003 11:19 AM       View Profile for Susan Caldwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Susan Caldwell

Meg~Brilliant!  

I find I do better with no light.

Susan
Minister Joe
Member
since 02-22-2003
Posts 79
TX, USA


10 posted 08-18-2003 01:11 PM       View Profile for Minister Joe   Email Minister Joe   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Minister Joe's Home Page   View IP for Minister Joe

Meghan,

You have a really great idea in this poem with:

Staggering
is my only mode
of transportation


It sticks in my mind, and that's a good thing when in comes to poetry.  Since you asked for constructive critique--I would give you some simple, but effective advice to help this idea shine more in your work.

Try eliminating some of the abstract words in this:

burden, anticipation, adoration, evil...

Abstract words are very huge things--like "love" and "evil" for instance, and everyone knows what they mean, but since you've crafted this--and provided us with this very intriguing idea--you'll want to [ishow us, exactly what does burden mean... how does it feel, and what exactly is it like to you in the context of this work.

An easy way to avoid abstractions is to get very intimate with the moment, or memory you're trying to capture with a poem... not ignoring rich sensory imagery such as taste, sight, sound, and touch.  Even memories invoke sensory flashbacks--and what a boon to your reader to not only bring us a great idea, but show it to us as well.

As I said--your idea is intriguing in this--and that's probably the toughest part of writing... getting that great idea.

Thank you for this,

--Matt

Give what you can.
MinisterJoe.com - Where Writers Work

eor
Senior Member
since 09-26-2002
Posts 968
blues & greys


11 posted 08-18-2003 02:11 PM       View Profile for eor   Email eor   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for eor

im glad someone found this and brought it back, tis absoutly beautiful...

"in a past life i was a woodcarver's knife: the sharpend blade of a wood cutter, the eldest son of the chief's brother: a maker of drums"

eor
Senior Member
since 09-26-2002
Posts 968
blues & greys


12 posted 08-18-2003 02:12 PM       View Profile for eor   Email eor   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for eor

sorry i submitted before my thought was complete...love sucks...but keep on trucking...

"in a past life i was a woodcarver's knife: the sharpend blade of a wood cutter, the eldest son of the chief's brother: a maker of drums"

LeeJ
Member Patricius
since 06-19-2003
Posts 13093
SE PA


13 posted 08-18-2003 03:42 PM       View Profile for LeeJ   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LeeJ

Always I enjoy reading your poetry, as it is so expressively alive with visuals...thank you for sharing
Robert Frazier
Senior Member
since 02-06-2003
Posts 1048


14 posted 08-18-2003 04:08 PM       View Profile for Robert Frazier   Email Robert Frazier   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Robert Frazier

you write beautifully, with a heavy burden.

Rf
Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 08-27-2002
Posts 40647
Realms of Light


15 posted 08-18-2003 04:15 PM       View Profile for Earth Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Earth Angel's Home Page   View IP for Earth Angel

"Staggering
is my only mode
of transportation"

--for now, perhaps, but you will fly again! Dark and dreary can suck the life right out of a delicate spirit such as yours.

Your poetry is so unique and creative.


EA
Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 02-08-2003
Posts 21103
Eternity


16 posted 08-18-2003 04:16 PM       View Profile for Margherita   Email Margherita   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Margherita

Darkness sometimes brings peace.
I'm impressed by your write!
Love, Margherita
gemjop
Member Elite
since 11-18-2002
Posts 2663
Pencilveinia, USA


17 posted 08-18-2003 05:52 PM       View Profile for gemjop   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for gemjop

you know i know this.

on a lighter note, I do have fun staggering around, falling over in a drunken fashion, tis fun.

Instant karma's gonna get you.

Wind
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 10-12-2002
Posts 3185


18 posted 09-28-2003 07:19 PM       View Profile for Wind   Email Wind   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Wind

oh yeah...life feeds on life. sorry...needed to say that

And the angel said unto me, "These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots!"
-Tool

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 08-26-99
Posts 46297
displaced


19 posted 10-23-2003 09:34 PM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

damn awesome!
 
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