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Open Poetry #28
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yv
Senior Member
since 2003-05-30
Posts 574


0 posted 2003-08-06 12:15 PM


What happens when the stars refuse to twinkle
In this world of complete darkness?

What happens when the moon forgets to creep over the hilltops
In this world where mountains are hard to climb?

What happens when the sun decides to no longer shine
In this world where happiness is rare and no more?

What happens when the flowers cease to grow
In this world where thier only sustinance is the blood they are fed from war?

What happens when the children of yesterday
Grow into the adults of tomorrow still wandering?

What happens when the rain falls slower
The slowness tediously clawing at a lover's heart?

What happens is this...

We forget

We forget that the stars twinkle for joy
We forget that the moon creeps its crescent for love
We forget that the sun shines for peace
We forget that the flowers grow for life
We forget that the children wander for reason
We forget that the rain steadily beats as the beat of a lover's heart

When we forget life in its essence
We forget ourselves

When we forget ourselves
We forget love

Without the remembrance of love
Life can no longer peak

Rain can no longer cleanse
Children can no longer speak
Flowers can no longer breath
The sun can no longer heal
The moon can no longer comfort
The stars can no longer caress

And when that happens
I love you less and less
That is why I left
Because you forgot your tenderness

So
What happens now?

Kiss...
Goodbye...
Walk away...
Open the door...
Turn around...
Look last into your eyes...

And as the door slowly closes
What happens?

No more

yv

P.S. I eagerly encourage constructive criticism.  If you have any replies or any advice that you can give it is graciously appreciated.  In this world of poetry I am still an apprentice.  So teach me what must be taught.  Thank you.

yv


[This message has been edited by yv (08-07-2003 12:13 AM).]

© Copyright 2003 Camiele - All Rights Reserved
MARK V SHELDON
Member Elite
since 2001-06-21
Posts 3015
In a corporeal internship...
1 posted 2003-08-06 01:47 AM


I like this -- much wisdom in an interesting presentation.  My only subjective advice would be this:  

In this stanza: And when that happens
                          I love you less and less
                         That is why I left
                         Because you forget your tenderness

I would change the third line to be in the present tense to keep the continuity flowing:  "That is why I leave you now" and change "forget" to past tense "forgot" to imply a pattern of behavior that has repeated for some time in this relationship -- enough to cause one to finally decide to leave now.

As I said:  subjective, but that would be my only recommendation.  Otherwise, a very nice write!

-MVS

You CAN make a difference:
http://educate-yourself.org/

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
2 posted 2003-08-06 05:55 PM


Enjoyed...tenderness is important...James
SharaRose
Member Elite
since 2003-07-19
Posts 2501
Somewhere out there~
3 posted 2003-08-06 06:03 PM


Tenderness comes from a tender heart. If this is no longer it's obviously been damaged. Usually a flower doesnt die if it's watered, and nourished, and nurtured. You can't let something die, and expect it to shine. I loved this because it was like a happening...progressing as the emotions would in the situation.

Of sound, and speech let all lift the hearer!

El_Campeador
Senior Member
since 2003-01-29
Posts 761
Ohio, USA
4 posted 2003-08-07 07:54 AM


Great job, I loved this, particularly these lines:

"What happens is this...

We forget

We forget that the stars twinkle for joy
We forget that the moon creeps its crescent for love
We forget that the sun shines for peace
We forget that the flowers grow for life
We forget that the children wander for reason
We forget that the rain steadily beats as the beat of a lover's heart"

We have forgotten, to a large degree. May we remember again...

“We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best that we can find in our travels is an honest friend.” –Robert Louis Stevenson

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