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Open Poetry #27
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x8x_bigmike
Member
since 2003-07-08
Posts 130
California, USA

0 posted 2003-07-08 10:19 PM



Im trying to wrap this one up...is it done ... if not where do i take it...responses and crticisms welcomed...
Blinking, waking, vivid dreams
_______
Vivid dreams wake me shaken
While the sun reflects rainbows
through last nights glass
I see in spectrum
as the room bleeds
to the color of my cigarette
A slow drag, a flick, counted heart beats
as
ash
falls down,
muted
melodramatic
seconds matrixed
her voice pierces as
a whisper
i love you
But tired
from fighting
Demons
in my dreams
I blink
Slouching now, teased in my sleep
Blinking, waking, vivid dreams

© Copyright 2003 x8x_bigmike - All Rights Reserved
Kahlil
Senior Member
since 2003-04-12
Posts 1881

1 posted 2003-07-08 10:36 PM


I think it's a wrap x8x!  I very much like the way you wrote it and the "sinking" feeling it lends.  Welcome to Passions!
Rosebud1229
Senior Member
since 2000-04-05
Posts 1813
North Carolina
2 posted 2003-07-08 10:40 PM


very vivid, and quite good, welcome, dreams do portray something that sometimes we tend to hide from.
x8x_bigmike
Member
since 2003-07-08
Posts 130
California, USA
3 posted 2003-07-08 11:25 PM


thanks for the support
i was thinking of adding the word shaken
at the end

Blinking, Waking, Vivid Dreams
Shaken

to give it circular felling...
anyway thanks very much...

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
4 posted 2003-07-09 06:40 AM


Welcome to Passions, Mike.  We've got a great Critical Analysis forum when you're not sure if a poem is "done" or not.  No put-downs, either - just some straightforward help in honing your craft.

Please, check your E-mail for a Special Greeting!

Karilea - if I whisper, will you listen?

1slick_lady
Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088
standing on a shadow's lace
5 posted 2003-07-10 02:17 AM


welcome to our passion sorry i didnt welcome you before now but i was with the class in basketweaving for the basketcases...h
ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353
Michigan, USA
6 posted 2003-07-10 07:27 PM


Welcome!

A great first post.  
Looking forward to reading you. ThisDiamond

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