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Open Poetry #27
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a neglected memory
| Open Poetry #27 |
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a neglected memory |
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daniel_martin Junior Member
since 2003-06-15
Posts 30london |
simply just a pretty poem. nothing to it, not very philosophical, not my usual style. The second poem i ever wrote, a good year old now. silence breaks as the first few fall, tear-like drops smashing against symbolically carved stone. Thousands of wet darts applaud as they splinter against the surface, their song a tranquil beat. Branches dance, swaying to the patter. A faint breeze whistles through the green coat, each shimmering under reflective light. She sits alone, absorbing, like some empty shell bounching thoughts…. Clouded eyes stare, each stone contradicting, representing both struggles; of life and death. Some are decorated with yellow and red;colourful lives plucked for affection. Most polished, streams running down marble cheeks, nature's tears. Standing slowly from her wooden bench she strolls with no direction, reading chiselled sentiments. Occasionally she reads the resting-place of a child, gravely felt though no soul known. Walking further among the seeded crops of memories she views a neglected spot. The stone corroded, hidden from sight, identity lost. Beside falls the seed of an oak, a green shell, an emerald gleaming in dampened mud. Kneeling she scoops the would-be life, burying it among the mossy dirt of holy soil. |
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| © Copyright 2003 daniel_martin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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the_loner_23 Member Ascendant
since 2002-06-08
Posts 5479Jacksonville, Florida, USA |
Welcome to Passions!!!!!!! This is an awesome poem for your introduction. I really liked the emotion conveyed in it. Cold hands means a warm heart |
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daniel_martin Junior Member
since 2003-06-15
Posts 30london |
cheers. what i forgot to ask, my problem with this is I'm unsure as to whether i need to first stanza, or whether it should go straight into the second.  |
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the_loner_23 Member Ascendant
since 2002-06-08
Posts 5479Jacksonville, Florida, USA |
To me it looks fine the way it is. Cold hands means a warm heart |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Welcome to Passions. You have some interesting thoughts and images in this, but I got the feeling somehow that it's a rough draft, that if you read it aloud, you'll find a few lines that would flow better with some editing. And the second stanza would be better in first position. (my opinion only) |
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daniel_martin Junior Member
since 2003-06-15
Posts 30london |
i see what you mean. the thing is, this is such a goldie oldie of mine, it's almost sentimental. I could quite likely make this better, but would rather leave it as it is. I think i't pleasant to look back upon one's work, and see how far one has progressed.  cheers for the commments comrades, and thankyou for the warm welcome. daniel |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Then by all means, leave it as is, I do understand. I absolutely refuse to change some of my original writes, for exactly the same reason. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
good write, just the way it is |
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QjQ Member Elite
since 2003-04-18
Posts 3756U.S.A. |
nicely written,, however i belive editing would bring out a better imagery.. and flow to the reader.. |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
Good Write Indeed ARCTIC WIND |
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