The definition of an infant separated at birth from human contact is "corpse." Such children waste away and die from a condition that was once and still may be called "failure to thrive." Humans are social animals and are social animals from the first breath they take. Exactly how social any single human may be can depend on the package of genetics they are born with, the infections they acquire, the people in their surround, the social and political conditions at the time and probably other factors as well. Even orphanages, where there may be people around, but not enough time to develop a personal nurturing physical connection with the infant, will sometimes show a high proportion of "failure to thrive" children. Often the children will show greater than usual difficulty in later live in forming connections with life partners. If memory serves, there is a book called Children of The Kibbutz that reviewed research done following Israeli kids raised communally on some of the first experimental Kibbutzim.
I must agree with Ron, Grinch, to the extent that he suggests that defining yourself by your wishes is insufficient; that it's too narrow. The influence of your mother has become a part of yourself, though a devalued and despised part of yourself. I would say that the effort of pushing it away, of devaluing and despising it, ends up taking energy away from parts of your "self" that you might wish to savor, develop and enjoy. If you actually think it's more "you" to punch somebody's lights out, I suspect your mother's getting a bad rap though. About age twelve most folks get the basic message that if they have the fun of punching somebody's lights out, then they're gonna wish they'd have figured out some other way of having fun, like amateur boxing, where it's okay to do so, or martial arts, where you can learn how to do it right, instead of doing it in a way that will get you in legal trouble and cost money and maybe jail time. If you're still blaming mom for that, you must be missing some of the major issues in your relationship, cause that one isn't very big. Your mom is part of yourself now, like it or not. Just as the urge is part of yourself.
If you want to hit people and get hit back, there are many types of Karate just made for you. You can even box. If you'd rather go more slowly on the sparing, you can study some of the chinese internal arts, which you'll be able to study far into old age. You can make these things part of yourself and use the study of violence to transform yourself at the same time, should you wish to take your study in that direction. You can use your urge to explore and transform yourself. You can use your urge to make a bridge to that pesky mother part of yourself by learning to care for yourself in a better way than she was able to offer you. These parts of the self are generally there for a purpose, you know, even if they look strange in the beginning.
When you can actually say, "Wow I really must be some terrible person then," that's not too bad. It's a good starting place because it's got some authentic feeling behind it. The problem raises its pointy little head when you don't allow yourself to look further, when that's all you allow yourself to see or say. I too am a pretty terrible person for all sorts of reasons. Boy, do I have a temper!
Bossy? I'm more bossy than the cow of the same name.
I could go on, and beneath the jokey tone I'm quite serious. I also happen to be a pretty decent guy at the same time, and that happens to be part of me too. I have to work at keeping all of me in mind, because it's very easy to just grab at one piece or the other. On the surface they seem to be mutually exclusive, but selves are full of contradictions, and we need constantly to work at keeping ourselves in balance.
Did I mention sententious? At times I get sententious, too.
Ron, I think, is right about the difficulty of achieving the balance of the Self in the framework of Analytic psychology. It's the kind of goal that people like to think they've achieved, like "the fully actualized person," from Maslow, or stage VI moral development in Kohlberg's schema. I think you'd actually have to be carried into heaven in a chariot of fire actually to have attained such a thing; but, being humans, we can't seem to free ourselves from trying. What rubes we are!
What people say to me can only convey meaning and information about who they think I am. I've had some extremely close and intimate relationships in my life, and so far, no one has quite got it right. Their words are much more likely to convey information about them than about me. Even when they think they're talking about me.
Of course people can only approximate the projection you try to place on them with counter-projective remarks. I'm only an out of practice social worker. Anything I say has got to be off base, let alone about a guy nobody's ever really understood before. A man's got to stand on his own, and the loneliness of a real individualist is probably too hard for anybody to understand. It's probably better not to talk about it at all. Social workers are all inexperienced and undertrained anyway, you can bet on it, and all he can probably talk about is himself, anyway. Bor. . .ING!
About misperception and responsibility. I believe there are places the buck stops. I believe that responsibility can be assigned.