Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
Have you ever found yourself of more force than nature?
My own nature is now something I drag behind myself like a boulder I pull with a chain becoming longer and longer between me and it, more distant away from my body, yet heavier as I try to keep pulling it. I can no longer do things naturally, but everything requires something of a force that must try with excess vigour to remain from mental confusion or physical clumsiness, being accidently rude to someone, making a grammatical mistaking in communication, a mistake in counting money, misinterpreting what one says, forgetting things, yet the smallness of the amount of clarity and grace makes me wonder why I even bother. I restore daily a way of thinking and feeling in me that imagines it will find a permanance, a knowing, and to place to stand and prosper, where eventually I will find someone to share life with, but this collapses and distitegrates again at the same daily rate. I just wonder if you've ever dealt with a form of depression like this, and if there is any way out it other than something that will make one unstable, like a pill. I would rather be stable in depression than artificially happy with a pill that would make me unstable every time I might not take it. I don't believe that depression is a disease that one can't find her/his own remedy for by natural methods and personal changes, it might be matter sometimes of a new approach or a new philosophy, but I suppose you have to find out the right change for what you are dealing with.
Thanks for listening.
[This message has been edited by Essorant (11-26-2002 01:23 AM).]