navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #26 » This Must be Love
Open Poetry #26
Post A Reply Post New Topic This Must be Love Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
yv
Senior Member
since 2003-05-30
Posts 574


0 posted 2003-06-04 05:46 PM


Heart pounding
Faster than the wings of a dove
So intense
This must be love

Falling like waterfalls
From rains up above
Falling so hard
This must be love

Eyes watering
At the sound of his call
So emotional
Love must be all

As for my heart
It breaks when he's gone
Tender sadness
As the break of the dawn

I see his image
My cheeks glow crimson
Yet my mind does not feel
To my heart it will not listen

So now I sit
Alone at the stove
Alone and untouched
Still must be love

It's easier to fall
Than to recover from the shove
Able to take pain?
Obviously it's love

So what is it then
When darkness is light?
When you pray for the end of day
And yearn for the night?

What is it then
When birds sing?
As summer breaks the roll of lakes
And softer whispers does the wind bring?

'Tis love my friend
Pure and true
So I'll wait until one day he says
"I love you"

yv

*side note:  My first ryhming poem.  So, please, let me know what you think.  Love it or hate it, let me know and please feel free to critique as you see fit.

yv

© Copyright 2003 Camiele - All Rights Reserved
Joyce Johnson
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912
Washington State
1 posted 2003-06-04 05:51 PM


Very nice and it sounds like love to me.  Joyce
QjQ
Member Elite
since 2003-04-18
Posts 3756
U.S.A.
2 posted 2003-06-04 05:51 PM


good work,,,

Poetry is a vision that portrays ones impressions.QjQ

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
3 posted 2003-06-04 05:55 PM


I often wonder if these things are love or are they a process of caring we are going through to build a foundation for love...only you know your heart...James
Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA
4 posted 2003-06-04 06:40 PM


Oops... double post.. ignore this one

[This message has been edited by Master (06-04-2003 06:41 PM).]

Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA
5 posted 2003-06-04 06:41 PM


Not bad for the first attempt, but it does sound forced. You got the rhymes, but the rhythm gets lost in the poem. If you're just trying rhyme for the first time, I would suggest to try to keep the lines about the same length.

Just as an example, the first stanza

Heart pounding
Faster than the wings of a dove
So intense
This must be love

would read better as:

Heart beating faster
Than wings of a dove
So strong and intense
This has to be love


PS: If you'd like email at kneller@brandeis.edu and I can go over the rest of it with you. Later, and good luck.

Check out my poetry here:


http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master


yv
Senior Member
since 2003-05-30
Posts 574

6 posted 2003-06-04 07:17 PM


Thank you so much Master.  As I said before (if you've read my reply to one of your poems), you are the master and I bow down at your feet.  So, thank you.  I'll work intensely on this ryhme thing.  I've never really been used to that.  Again, thanks.

Junior Member,
yv

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
7 posted 2003-06-05 04:54 AM


liked this a lot
Patricia
Member Elite
since 2003-04-06
Posts 2160
Missouri
8 posted 2003-06-05 09:00 AM


I think you did a great job with your rhymes.  When I do rhyming poems...which is almost of the time, I can't help it, even when I try not to rhyme it happens, I look at my lines so that they are the same length...but then I go back and reread (several times) looking for rhythm.  Do I get iambic pentameter...no,  I really must work on that.  However, you expressed yourself perfectly.

Please note:  I am just beginning again with my writing.  The above is simply the way I do things.

More you write, though,
the better your flow.  
But of rhymes somtimes,
Well, you must let go.

Good write.


Patricia

El_Campeador
Senior Member
since 2003-01-29
Posts 761
Ohio, USA
9 posted 2003-06-05 09:07 AM


Good poem for a first try at rhyming. Some of the rhymes sound a little forced, but all in all you did a good job.

Keep up the writing!

~El Campeador

“We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best that we can find in our travels is an honest friend.” –Robert Louis Stevenson

Bill Charles
Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now
10 posted 2003-06-05 09:14 AM


yv - if this is your first rhyming poem, then please write more of them. It's a soft romantic write...

BC

vandana
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Patricius
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463
USA
11 posted 2003-06-05 10:01 AM


enjoyed
dani
Junior Member
since 2003-05-10
Posts 46

12 posted 2003-06-05 10:39 AM


your rhymes flowed nicely but the end did sound a little forced because of the longer lines

how many ways to say i love u... just 1... you make me want to die

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #26 » This Must be Love

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary