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hesper
New Member

since 2003-05-23

Posts 7
Canada

0 posted 2003-05-23 09:43 PM

and i wonder that while i dream
  of feeling your body against mine,
(anticipating every new movement,
   in each alien moment
    that our bodies lay entwined)
i wonder that if in your dream,
  if you recieve signals from mine,
(in vibrant colour and in pulsating reality
   like spaceship to earth base,
      encoded but decipherable)
and you know just how much i long for it

      when you see me the next day?
________________________________________________

Go ahead an critique away! I know it needs it! This is the first poem I have written in years - be gentle!

[This message has been edited by hesper (05-23-2003 09:46 PM).]

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2003-05-23 09:56 PM

Hello Hesper! Welcome to Passions! I know you have asked for a Critique, which you can place in your Constructive Critique message for future use. But for now? I'm enjoying your writing, and hope your Muse visits you often. Please, check your e-mail for a Special Greeting!

Karilea - if I whisper, will you listen?

whiskey

Senior Member

since 1999-12-28

Posts 1278
Australia

2 posted 2003-05-23 10:02 PM

Very nice writting, I enjoyed it alot, I hope your love continues to make you feel this way. Welcome to passions

Julie

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

3 posted 2003-05-23 10:04 PM

WELCOME TO PASSIONS!
Enjoyed your first post.
I look forward to seeing more of your writing.
~Smiles & Hugs, Nancy~

~Somewhere in my heart I'm always
dancing with you in the summer rain~

Ratleader

Member Rara Avis

since 2003-01-23

Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass

4 posted 2003-05-23 10:10 PM

Hard to tweak somebody else's stuff, especially when it's a great idea and a poem that stands well on its own.... but here's what I'd do if I were writing it (and I wish I had!)

While I dream of feeling
your body against mine,
anticipating each new movement
in each alien moment
that our bodies lay entwined,
I wonder if in your dream
you recieve signals from mine
in vibrant colour, pulsating reality
like a spaceship to earth base,
encoded but decipherable;
and whether you will know
how much I long for it
when you see me the next day?

....just a few tweaks -- a good poem already.

Here's one that I did on a similar theme, but with a different starting point... /pip/Forum64/HTML/003209.html

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

5 posted 2003-05-23 10:19 PM

Think you did extremely well here hesper, by giving a new look to an old story. Nicely, sincerely and lovingly written. Didn't care for the ending question, but that's me. would have left it end with the "...how much I long for it."

Very well done.

jwesley

(seems I've come across "hesper" before???)

[This message has been edited by jwesley (05-23-2003 10:21 PM).]

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

6 posted 2003-05-23 10:30 PM

Hesper, I enjoyed reading your first post
and I hope to read more of your work. Also
I would like to welcome you to Passions In
Poetry. I hope that you enjoy it here.

Hugs to you,

Ethel

[This message has been edited by garysgirl (05-23-2003 10:31 PM).]

hesper
New Member

since 2003-05-23

Posts 7
Canada

7 posted 2003-05-23 10:31 PM

Thanks all around for the comments, i really appreciate the feedback. This place is really welcoming.

jwesley - i completely agree with the question mark.. it wasn't there originally, and it still shouldn't be!

peace and love to all

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

8 posted 2003-05-24 05:06 PM

(smiles) Oh Hesper, I believe all honest poetry is exceptional poetry and poetry is meant to sound alien so I just can't critique this, as all that deserves painful critiquing is poetry that is dishonest and hurtful! (big hugggssssssss) Yay, God Bless You, this is a wonderful debut! Welcome to Passions, sweet Hesper, may you be inspired by all of us here as we will all be inspired by your lovely words! I can't wait to read more of your lovely words, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Hesper, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

Underneath your clothes, there's an endless story

***Shakira***

vandana

Member Patricius

since 1999-10-22

Posts 10463
USA

9 posted 2003-05-24 05:08 PM

welcome to passions

looking forward to read yours

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

10 posted 2003-05-24 07:50 PM

Welcome to Pips, Hester.

nothing to critique, just to say I enjoyed the imagery

icebox
Member Elite

since 2003-05-03

Posts 4383
in the shadows

11 posted 2003-05-24 07:59 PM

Clear images. Well done. It has the sense of thoughts intruding on the reader from their middle not their beginning,as if the reader has stumbled onto the thoughts of another revealed in midstream.

It could be re-written in several forms; Ratleader has shown you one, but it also stands well as it is.

An excellent post to begin showing your work here. Thank you for sharing it.

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

12 posted 2003-05-24 09:40 PM

Welcome to our family. I enjoyed your poem and look forward to reading more from you.

JilGirl
Member

since 2003-05-24

Posts 364
Washington

13 posted 2003-05-25 06:06 AM

I enjoyed your message! It's truly the thought, behind the words, which makes the poem reach the hearts of the readers.
Keep on writing!

Till oceans cease to flow and deserts lose their sands, may beauty surround you every day and wealth be in your hands.

Patricia
Member Elite

since 2003-04-06

Posts 2160
Missouri

14 posted 2003-05-25 02:13 PM

Hi Hesper,

Welcome to Passions.  I, too, have been away from poetry for many years.  I just came to Passions less than two months ago.  Since, I have written many, many poems...some good, some not so good.  But you will find so much here that will inspire, encourage, and teach.  The poets are the greatest folks you will ever meet.  I mean that sincerely.  I have never seen so many beautiful hearts gathered in one place.

As for this piece, I thought it very good.  You know I always feel that way about my poetry...uncertain about its "goodness."  Sometimes we need to step away from it once it is written and let others critique it.  Oftentimes, the eyes of these wonderful poets at Passions see more than we could possibly see in our own writing.

Keep on writing.  I look forward to reading your work.

-Patricia

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