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Open Poetry #26
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icebox
Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383
in the shadows

0 posted 2003-05-20 10:56 PM



We walked among the animals, south of where I sit without the
smell of cages, inconvenient [edited by Moderator], brilliant yellow daffodils
and gentle smiles, within the moments left in memory
before the hard hammered facade again settled on my life.

I talked that day inside my head, I laughed quietly at my self and wondered if you felt my love;
I touch you with my mind, today in spinning loops of time
I wander through the years when I see you without wondering,
when I wonder without seeing you.

Forgive my simple mind, its feel for common time and wonder
in its taste for benign complexity.  I walk among the years,
a tourist without heart stopping fears of animosity, retribution
or terrorist attack.

There is no other spirit, no soul, no incarnation
that knows me, who I am, as well as you;
always when you push, when you press against my mind
I am soft, my ego problems twist and turn inside themselves,
I am moved to reach beyond the limits of my thoughts.

I stretch my soul to touch beyond the veil of iron threads
separating life and death,
I deny, I deny, I deny the cost,
I am lost until I find myself in you.

©2003 by icebox

[This message has been edited by Sunshine (05-21-2003 01:48 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 icebox - All Rights Reserved
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200
Between the Lines
1 posted 2003-05-21 01:39 PM


well your title caught me...I use to go there when young and sometimes think about going now...

"I talked that day inside my head, I laughed quietly at my self and wondered if you felt my love;
I touch you with my mind, today in spinning loops of time"

darn, if this isn't me lately...

*s
M

icebox
Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383
in the shadows
2 posted 2003-05-21 04:04 PM


I did not mean to trick you into reading.  *smile*

Thank you for doing so, and for your comment.

Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
3 posted 2003-05-21 06:13 PM


icebox

"There is no other spirit, no soul, no incarnation
that knows me, who I am, as well as you;
always when you push, when you press against my mind
I am soft, my ego problems twist and turn inside themselves,
I am moved to reach beyond the limits of my thoughts."

You are blessed to have this kind of soul connection, and to be able to write about it.


icebox
Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383
in the shadows
4 posted 2003-05-21 06:21 PM


Martie ~ Thank you for your kind comment.

I am sorry about the language over sight which required an edit; I had not even thought about it. I understand and I will pay more attention in the future.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

5 posted 2003-05-21 09:34 PM


Now this is what I'm talking about. I asked this question also of Drexler McStyles, but how DO you decide where your line breaks go when employing this style? I find myself wanting to control the reader by pausing in short bursts--a habit I admit annoys me about myself.

and yep, icebox, I YAM studyingyoo....

icebox
Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383
in the shadows
6 posted 2003-05-21 10:07 PM


serenity blaze ~ I am not sure what your question is exactly, but I can tell you two things about this piece.

It has a specific verse structure: 4/5,4 (4 lines then 5)repeated to a total of 5 verses. I have forgotten what it is called.  Also, there is a formatting error in the second verse; it should be five lines with a carraige return after the word "self" which somehow vanished after I posted it.

This error has occurred once or twice before and I am not sure what causes it on this web site.  I am probably missing some detail in the upload.

I mention this because you are asking about line breaks and how I do it; so, that line does not appear correctly.  

If I am writing in a free form, with short lines, I usually put line breaks where there is a change in my own breathing as I read the poem.  

Obviously, if I am following a preordained format, then the pulse or beat count of the line and its length demands a certain format.  I sometimes write in rigid forms because the topic may somehow lend itself more easily to the form, but it is not my favorite way.

I do have some pieces with very short lines; I just have not posted them here.  Some can not be posted due to language restrictions.  Perhaps I should look at a few and post one to see if it is what you describe?

Poems that work for me usually have some kind of rythm and line breaks help my mind to reinforce that rythm.

I hope that helps.  If not ask more.

Thank you for reading my poem and for your comments.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

7 posted 2003-05-21 10:21 PM


Thank you, very very much!

That IS most helpful, and if anyone knows the form, I'd kinda like to know that too!


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