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Passions in Poetry

miss

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kaile
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0 posted 05-16-2003 12:28 PM       View Profile for kaile   Email kaile   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for kaile

His close friends are those
who will lend him a few bucks
and not expect it to be returned
He will reciprocrate likewise

Once, when I stayed in his village,
a Vietnamese boy rode me to his haunt
We then played Fifa 98,
me less concerned about scoring goals
than trying to grasp
the enormity of this timeless moment~
that two guys made a connection
without intelligent communication as a catalyst

He thinks that it isn't possible
to make lasting friends in junior college
He's only 17

I feel sorry for the people in FRIENDS
because I suspect their friendships
may be like well worn wallets
that one can't bear to replace,
having lost his resilience against change

Two siblings with their various takes on friendship
Living under the same roof
with their paths never crossed
© Copyright 2003 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved
Sven
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1 posted 05-16-2003 12:30 PM       View Profile for Sven   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sven

you know, I've noticed that you're getting better at this "abstract" quality with your work. . .

this, is well done. . . a moment, but yet, not really. . . captured. . . almost framed. . . but, never really solid. . . does that make sense??

well done my friend. . .

-------------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

QjQ
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since 04-18-2003
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2 posted 05-16-2003 12:35 PM       View Profile for QjQ   Email QjQ   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for QjQ

very interesting write

It matters not how you answer, It matters only that i hear you.

Midnitesun
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Gaia


3 posted 05-16-2003 12:38 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

OK, kaile, my kaile folder is bulging!
I agree with Sven, your abstracts are getting better and better.
littlewing
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since 03-02-2003
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4 posted 05-16-2003 12:46 PM       View Profile for littlewing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for littlewing

kaile:

this is amazing - here I see a different twist - as I always do -

the two men - a bond that they dont even see

this write brought to a place I otherwise
would not have traveled
thank you
xxoo
Nan
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5 posted 05-16-2003 10:22 PM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

'Tis easy for two to live under the same roof and fail to connect - You're so right, kaile...

Looking forward to connecting words...
kaile
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6 posted 05-17-2003 04:09 AM       View Profile for kaile   Email kaile   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kaile

I am often too lazy to type personal replies but your wonderful comments got me so psyched up that I simply had to set my mind and body into coordination mode and say thank you

Sven, it didn't make sense initially but I thought about your words and i think i see where you are coming from...(in any case, i like what i derived from them )...thanks for thinking that i'm getting better and you made me feel so good to know that there are people within these blue pages that may have noted my progression over the years

QjQ, thanks for the "very interesting"..

Kacy, wow, i'm so flattered and flabbergasted...i didn't even know you had a kaile folder...this is probably not good for my bloated ego though

littlewing, i have just travelled to these sort of places recently and thanks for coming along with me and for your interest

Nan, i fear not because i'm so irritatingly darned passive! but i shall keep your words in mind and try at least to make things work out...

thanks all
passing shadows
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7 posted 05-17-2003 05:55 AM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

neat write
Sunshine
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8 posted 05-17-2003 08:03 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine


Kaile, well, what's been said above.  And a little note: your poem seems to have the flow of scattered thoughts which are finally tied down by a common link.  THIS is good stuff!  It's reflective [to me] that in this way, you find pieces of your self you didn't even know existed [talking "you" in general - I could be looking in a mirror right now! ]

I have a Kaile box.  I do so enjoy your writings!  Hugs...
vandana
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9 posted 05-17-2003 09:28 AM       View Profile for vandana   Email vandana   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for vandana

enjoyed
Ratleader
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10 posted 05-17-2003 09:37 AM       View Profile for Ratleader   Email Ratleader   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Ratleader's Home Page   View IP for Ratleader

Yep, friends like worms in a worm farm....such togetherness....

Good work!

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>   ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>  ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº>    ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

regards2you
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11 posted 05-17-2003 12:02 PM       View Profile for regards2you   Email regards2you   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for regards2you



Kaile,

Smiles at the replies and yours back.

I have always enjoyed your poetry and this is no exception.

Glad to see you here.

Hugs, Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

kaile
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12 posted 07-14-2004 06:47 AM       View Profile for kaile   Email kaile   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kaile

thinking of revising this
kaile
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13 posted 07-20-2004 04:31 AM       View Profile for kaile   Email kaile   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kaile

I see what you are trying to achieve but the result just seems to skip about a little aimlessly, and it does so with some serious grammatical and punctuation flaws.

The only part that really sings for me is S2, but even that stanza gets a little inelegant toward the end.

I would say if you can tighten up S2, especially the the last few lines ...
something like :
Two guys forging a connection so readily,
between their alien realities.
...it would stand far stronger as a poem on its own than it does buried in the rest of the fluff.

ixoxo

MadameXCFO

this seems to be pieces of something. There isnt very much connecting the verses to each other other than the vague idea that each verse is about some aspect of friendship. and this might just be MY take, but it also seems to be out of order in a 'chronologica'l fashion- maybe the sibling verse coming first, then the first verse, then the verse about junior college ( though these two could be switched or combined) then the verse about the friends show THEN finish up with the Vietnamese verse which will leave you with a much stronger ending in those last two lines.

Hope something I said helps.

Kim

Dirk Wojtczack

this could be tighten up, there are references to He, I, the local lad, and friends, and there's no connectivity..........it has potential

I think some formatting and some trimming might help this poem, and perhaps the title might be "Parallel Lines," since they never cross.

If you indented S2 and S2, making the shift in viewpoint explicit in format as well as in words, the dialog would be apparent immediately, preparing the reader for the frequent shifts.

S1 reads well, as is.

S2, on the other hand, might benefit from a more direct and concise presentation. Here are some inline suggestions that you might want to consider. [delete]] (add)


Once, [when I stayed] in a Vietnamese village,
[a local lad rode me to his haunt]
I [then] played Fifa 98 with [him] (a local lad),
[less concerned about scoring goals
than] trying to grasp
the enormity of [this timeless moment~
that] two guys forg[ed](ing) a connection
[so readily], despite
being affiliated to different languages and realities

I'd suggest only minor changes in S3.

"He thinks it's impossible" in line 1, or maybe "he thinks one can't."

In S4, I'd once again suggest more trimming.

I [feel sorry for[ (pity) the people in FRIENDS
[because I suspect their] (whose) friendships
may be like well worn wallets
[that] one can't bear to replace,
having lost [his] resilience [against] (to) change

The shift from "against" to "to" seems logically necessary to me. A resiliance against change implies that one has the ability to resist it, and I don't think you mean that the characters have lost resistance to change so much as that they have lost the ability to do so.


I'm not sure you need the last strophe. The poem clearly shows the non-intersection of ideas, and the detail about being siblings under the same roof may not be essential. If you truly want the close family relationship to be explicit, you might shift that information to the title. Something like "Divergent Siblings" perhaps.

I like the poem and its portrayal of contrasting viewpoints.


Melody

 
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