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Drexler_McStyles
Member

since 2002-11-18

Posts 195
Venice, Ca

0 posted 2003-04-24 04:04 AM

when the crow stole the unborn children
of the hummingbird
I cast a stone into the pool
and rearranged my favorites list
anything with eyes that black
was bound to be
a bit of a disappointment
like women who promise everything
but the truth
and give you
nothing but lies
and maybe, conversation filler
for the barstool tell tales

I walk into the liquor store
and order the $9.99 special
it didn’t kill me last night
but everyday is a new one
and perhaps tonight
the stars will align themselves properly
Im not really in a hurry
to check out of here
I just wonder what Im supposed to be doing
in lieu of the slow death
and faltering penmanship
there is a girl
so far away, that I could drive all night
and still
she’d only be a memory
of an idea that I once had
I cant recall
all the best moments we had together
they are dim and gray
like the dishwater where I rinse my glass
and pour
but somehow I still manage a smile
as the end draws closer
because life wasn’t so bad
with her in it

[This message has been edited by Drexler_McStyles (04-24-2003 10:55 PM).]

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

1 posted 2003-04-24 12:49 PM

I liked the way you have packed emotions into words...

Regards,
Sudhir
P.S. I think that the tenses need some working on

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

2 posted 2003-04-24 02:19 PM

Your work just fascinates me. The intro of the stanza of the crow stealing a hummingbird's eggs...wow. That's a very symbolic visual and lends punch to the tone of hopelessness that follows.

I'm loving this stuff. Your matter o fact tone shrugs off the power of the hidden emotions only hinted at coupled with the numb of a stoic reticence.

Every time I read you, I feel as though I've just driven through the desert. It is gritty, dry, kind of ominous with danger, but not without a delicate beauty.

tis powerful stuff. Now if you'll scuse me? there's a cactus a bit a ways that looks promising....

Kielo
Senior Member

since 2002-02-11

Posts 1109

3 posted 2003-04-24 02:32 PM

I love this.

I was trying to pick a favorite part, but I love it all, and it would be sort of useless for me to quote your entire poem back at you.

Kielo

I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing.

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

4 posted 2003-04-24 05:16 PM

My kind of poetry...it has mood through image, strength in understatement.

Frank O'Hara-ishness...

Perhaps some lines were a little unnecessary, and cramped the work, but overall - excellent work..