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proposed title: A Second Long Journey
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proposed title: A Second Long Journey |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
Presented here are two versions of the same poem. The earlier one is first and the latter second. The portion in italics is a juxtaposition of two quotes from book 1 of milton's paradise lost - parts of Lucifer's famous speech. In the second version the reader will notice words in bold. They are changes from the first version. --------------------------------------------------- So, Loneliness perpetually eats at the mind, A spider trapped inhead devouring brain; Concussive trauma, blows blunt in kind, Drill to temple with pi inside to drain. Yellow belly soft unstudded underneath- A dragon on his hoard watchfully asleep, Wiley with only his proof buried beneath Reams of printing paper and ink deep. Future focus forever pushing people past Probable point of tolerance towards me, Memory plagues as time’s blow falls fast Upon the tormented cowardice manly. Rejection reveals character the old often Say, so many times upon the cliff words Never dare to test th’eye’s limit to soften The bludgeoning beaks of prim birds. Hair singed off skin but otherwise unhurt In body where wounds would soon heal Avoiding the nightmare mouthful of dirt; Cards played on Sunday, Satan to deal. I fear less worthy than the Good Doctor I would prove all my detractors correct; Discontent final for my supposed creator Who to purgatory will send this subject. Sartre’s silly conjecture of other people Inversed to punish this destiny’s dupe; Below the altar and above the steeple of Faith fall the footsteps of soulless troops. High upon hill stands the shepherd white As the symphony pastoral behind plays, Skillful strings beside tender brass bright Distractingly strummed for better days. Resolve made to walk the fiery coals, Starboard bow a plank with flesh eaters Below the neck, will soft as sandy shoals Hesitation without push to self defeaters. But, The mind is its own place, and in it self Can make a Heavn'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n. To reign is worth ambition though in Hell; Better to reign in Hell, then serve in Heav'n. And yet again fear of fire conquers will, Though mind knows flames false show, Unreasoning heart senses naught but ill, Forward path remains untrodden below. Re-coil, re-treat, with-draw, far within Myself; Only to badger and beat my own Brow, seeking to stab my heart stricken, Murdering fear, leaving strength alone. Yet Heav’n o’er all does reign supreme, Casting out and letting in too arbitrarily; Of my mind springs forth Rage extreme, To challenge judgments fundamentally. Here my pride precedes and predestines All actions with cause lacking humility, My descent to darkness and flame begins As I embrace windless fall with alacrity. Vacuuming gates polar to pearly white, Passing each of the nine in turn terrible, Rings of fire clichéd and needles bite, Finally Beelzebub’s heads horrible. An ancient friend Mephistopheles greets Me; His formerly sweet tongue a lash, Form stripped, essence bared he beats My hideous birth impaled on black ash. Black phoenix from sulfuric fumes born, Wagnerian refrain releases the punishëd, The winged beast rises to Hellish horn; Across the great void daemon returnëd. Drill to temple with pi inside to drain, Concussive trauma, blows blunt in kind; A spider trapped inhead devouring brain, Loneliness perpetually eats at the mind. --------------------------------------------------- So, Loneliness perpetually eats at the mind, A spider trapped inhead devouring brain; Concussive trauma, blows blunt in kind, Drill to temple with pi inside to drain. Yellow belly soft unstudded underneath- A dragon on his hoard watchfully asleep, Wiley with only his proof buried beneath Reams of printing paper and ink deep. Future focus forever pushing people past Probable point of tolerance towards me, Memory plagues as time’s blow falls fast Upon the tormented cowardice manly. Rejection reveals character the old often Say, so many times upon the cliff words Never dare to test th’eye’s limit to soften The bludgeoning beaks of prim birds. Hair singed off skin but otherwise unhurt In body where wounds would soon heal Avoiding the nightmare mouthful of dirt; Cards played on Sunday, Satan to deal. I fear less worthy than the Good Doctor I would prove all my detractors correct; Discontent final for my supposed creator He to purgatory will send this insurrect. Sartre’s silly conjecture of other people Inversed to punish this destiny’s dupe; Below the altar and above the steeple of Faith fall the footsteps of soulless troops. High upon hill stands the shepherd white As the symphony pastoral behind plays, Skillful strings beside tender brass bright Distractingly strummed for better days. Resolve made to walk the fiery coals, Starboard bow a plank with flesh eaters Below the neck, will soft as sandy shoals Hesitation without push to self defeaters. But, The mind is its own place, and in it self Can make a Heavn'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n. To reign is worth ambition though in Hell; Better to reign in Hell, then serve in Heav'n. And yet again fear of fire conquers will, Though mind knows flames false show, Unreasoning heart senses naught but ill, Forward path remains untrodden below. Re-coil, re-treat, with-draw, far within Myself; Only to badger and beat my own Brow, seeking to stab my heart stricken, Murdering fear, leaving strength alone. Yet Heav’n o’er all does reign supreme, Casting out and letting in too unwarily; Of my mind springs forth Rage extreme, To challenge judgments fundamentally. Here my pride precedes and predestines All actions with cause lacking humility, My descent to darkness and flame begins As I embrace windless fall with alacrity. Vacuuming gates polar to pearly white, Passing each of the nine in turn terrible, Rings of fire clichéd and needles bite, Finally Beelzebub’s heads horrible. An ancient friend Mephistopheles greets With his formerly sweet tongue a lash, Form stripped, essence bared he beats My hideous birth impaled on black ash. Black phoenix from sulfuric fumes born, Wagnerian refrain releases the punished, The winged beast rises to Hellish horn; Across the great void daemon returned. Drill to temple with pi inside to drain, Concussive trauma, blows blunt in kind; A spider trapped inhead devouring brain, Loneliness perpetually eats at the mind. -majnu -------------------------------------- Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet. [This message has been edited by majnu (02-17-2003 03:11 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Zaheer Abbas Ali - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Majnu, I can't believe nobody's responded to this yet. This is some incredible poetry. I'm going to read it a second time in order to allow myself the ability to give you a worthy response. The second one I like best. You've absolutely perfected it. I felt "punished" and "returned" are a bit more easy for the flow. This is just fantastic writing, Majnu. The imagery is sharp and dominating, cold and terrifying, just as the prospect of Hell is for every "soulless troop" on earth who is uncertain of himself. I love your quote from Milton, it is very appropriate, and brings a lot into your poem. Your technique, the rhyme scheme, consonance and assonance, not to mention the rhythm even without strictness of meter... this is superb. Only place for this poem is...  I'm not certain what you should title this, but I don't think it's wise to leave it untitled. It deserves something. I'll come back if I think of anything, alright? Parasite "Faith" means the will to avoid knowing what is true. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
sorry for the double post [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (02-15-2003 12:53 PM).] |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 BRAVO!!! I wholeheartedly agree with LP, and might I add also that I believe the second one is also the best and after more people read this and give you input, perhaps you should edit this so the 2nd version is on the page as that is my favorite of the two and Ron knows which version you wish to be submitted, though of course it's your decision which of the versions you feel good about most! (BIG HUGGGSSSSSSS) I also suggest you either leave this untitled or choose by your own instincts what you want to title your poem as it is your masterpiece and your heart bleeding with passion! This is marvelous, sweet friend, all the allusions, the onomatopoeia, the figurative language, an oustanding concoction and choreography you create, this has my vote, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Zaheer, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." Shakira [This message has been edited by Mistletoe Angel (02-15-2003 03:09 PM).] |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Don't know about your proposed title, Manju... The Second Long Journey might fit a bit better. I don't really like the word "Long," it sounds kind of inadequate. Basically I like the title idea but think it needs rephrasing. |
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Kellie_Cantrell Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667New York |
The journey? |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Brian knows impressive poetry when he sees it. I second his praise. Excellent writing poet majnu. " ... And think not, that you can direct the course of love ... |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
I believe this is wonderful. As a novice poetess, it causes me to sit up and take notice. Imagery, concept, alliteration is all there. I can only say the overall poetry presented here is something I'd expect to find in an anthology. I personally, am impressed with the talent. Wow! Do idea why it hasn't had more attention. But it has my vote. Enjoyed, Thanks, Pat  ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Majnu, This is really excellent stuff... I liked the second version too... one suggestion, though you don't have to change anything, but what do you think of: Black phoenix from sulfuric fumes born, Wagnerian refrain releases the detained, The winged beast rises to Hellish horn; Across the great void daemon retained. instead of Black phoenix from sulfuric fumes born, Wagnerian refrain releases the punished, The winged beast rises to Hellish horn; Across the great void daemon returned. .......... and for the title... hmmmmmmmm... 1. Journey of the Mind 2. Coiling and Uncoiling ... well... whatever you decide to do with this... it is excellent stuff... and of course if you wish a more critical appreciation, you might want to try the Critical Analysis forum... Regards, Sudhir |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
Well my dear friend, what can one say about this. I also like the second write. This is masterfully written, a literary feat carried off with skill. Truly your best work. It's just splendid, truly, just splendid  [This message has been edited by WhiteRose (02-26-2003 05:15 PM).] |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Yes..the second version... and I am humbled in your presence. This is an amazing piece of work. ~ Trace my body with your words.. |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
thanks all for the feedback. it is greatly appreciated. I am not going to edit this post to include only the second version because I would still love to have people comment on which they prefer. however I am leaning heavily towards the second version. sudhir, thanks for the suggestion. -majnu |
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Jason Lyle Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438With my darkling |
God knows I love this. Jason |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I enjoyed the second version very much. Good job! |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
This is excellent work! *S* The second version gets my vote. *S* |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
This definitely deserves a second read! Warm hugs, EA |
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
Absolutely brilliant I am in awe - also prefer second one. Only wish one could vote more than once. |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
 I just had to read this again my dear friend, and let me say again how really incredible it is. Truly, awesome. [This message has been edited by WhiteRose (03-21-2003 06:11 PM).] |
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DawnG
since 2000-06-23
Posts 1494United States |
I also enjoyed the second version. Dawn |
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garysgirl
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
My vote, too!! |
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garysgirl
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
A second go round?  (Hey, I didn't mean that as a title....LOL) [This message has been edited by garysgirl (04-04-2003 10:12 AM).] |
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
Still like the second one best, great stuff this and a small push back to the top. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
A fascinating journey. Once again your use of allusion serves to make this poem even more rich. 2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2 |
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QjQ Member Elite
since 2003-04-18
Posts 3756U.S.A. |
i liked the first one better, however both were great |
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