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Jason Lyle
Senior Member

since 2003-02-07

Posts 1438
With my darkling

0 posted 2003-02-10 11:14 PM

Of darkling thoughts,and measured wrath
And tortured turns down twisting paths
Insanely,he begins to laugh
And starts to write my epitaph

Years went by,before I dared
To look inside and back he stared
By then too late,as if I cared
I kind of sighed, my burdens shared

So slow at first,he moved within
I paid little notice of him
But madness started to descend
And darkling thoughts became my sin

No longer do I feel lifes' pains
My darkling now behind the reins

Ratleader

Member Rara Avis

since 2003-01-23

Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass

1 posted 2003-02-10 11:36 PM

Thank you for several things.

First, for your feminine rhymes. Words sometimes have more than one syllable, and it's good to hear the big ones interact (this from a guy who rhymed "lapis lazuli" the other day..... /pip/Forum76/HTML/002872.html )

Second, for your word flow. You make the syntax move naturally even when you're using words like "darkling" and "epitaph"....

Third, for relaxing with what you're saying in this poem. It's intense, and you write it that way, but you're just intense, not tense with the lyric of it. Maybe a bit too relaxed in a couple of spots ("kind-of," for instance -- too colloquial....) I'm sure you'll find those and either write 'em out or cure 'em by tweaking your punctuation....

Ta-da! There's a Fourth! You kept the tone steady throughout, and built dramatic tension into the text to maintain that "evil-sneaking-up-on-me" feeling.

Good job.

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

2 posted 2003-02-11 12:45 PM

Oh yeah like this, good to have a little dark on these glowing pages

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

3 posted 2003-02-11 01:10 AM

I enjoyed reading your poem

"Love makes the world go around"
~~with love and hugs from Ethel~~

Black Swan
Member

since 2003-02-05

Posts 165
on the moon

4 posted 2003-02-11 01:13 AM

yes the darkness in this poem falls gently enough to not completely smother the light

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

5 posted 2003-02-11 07:03 AM

very smooth reading...

I love the opening line.
M

Jason Lyle
Senior Member

since 2003-02-07

Posts 1438
With my darkling

6 posted 2003-02-11 10:40 AM

Thank you all for the read and comments.

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