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Cattle
| Open Poetry #24 |
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Cattle |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space 
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Inaudible sighs of the broken squeeze through lips sewn shut and pulled into makeshift smiles Admission tantamount to sin in the wasteland of gods and devils Swallowed the gruel bones and all and kept in line as they are lead to the killing floor Cattle complacent ___________________________________________________ "Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death." ~Anais Nin~ (aka. Complacency is close to Devilry) [This message has been edited by Aenimal (02-09-2003 03:57 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 raphael giuffrida - All Rights Reserved | |||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
....speechless.... except for "wow" |
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ecrivan Member Elite
since 2001-12-10
Posts 3923my own state |
food for fodder, I mean thought  ...interesting choice of reflective words. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Are we? Sad commentary on life today. But you use images vividly! (Am I wrong? I really want to know if I am reading something into this that isn't there - maybe it's my own guilty conscience?) |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
Ah...back to the college days of general psychology here with what reminded me of Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs... very good write, intellegent, and stunning |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
SEA thanks wow will do my ego just fine thanks Ecrivan thank you very much Sharon not all of us, or at least not all the time. I'd have to say the majority fit in this category though? Dixie thanks that's quite a compliment love when you stop in |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
as long as your door is open, I will always stop in |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I'm going to critique your critique message...I really do think it should read 'honesty, however brutal' instead of 'honestly..' hmmm...been thinking that every time I see it...heh You know - whenever I think like this I refer to the cattle as 'sheep.' Maybe that's just because of my location...  For the most part I like this...cept I have a problem with line 4, stanza 3. What's up with the 'you'? Stanza's 1 & 2 avoid any pronouns and then there's a you? Looks clumsy to me - read it again, it also reads clumsily because of your tenses.. Stanza 1 is present tense, as is 2. Then 3 shifts to past tense in the first line, present tense from the 3rd line on...so I think you need to firstly fix up that tense descrepancy.. Question - is the 'you' the same subject as 'the broken' of verse 1? If that's the case then it would make more sense if the 'you' became a 'they'... I like 'swallowed the gruel, bones and all'...nice lines...  K |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
It's always open Dixie Severn I noticed the Honestly line also but was too lazy to change it and forgot about it, didn't think i'd get critiqued on it. The awkward tenses were due to this being an amalgam of two poems, it wasn't well thought out or in my mind really finished at all. I sometimes write out of pure emotion and post it before i change my mind. What else can i say, I hope it's a bit clearer now and hope you liked it |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Have you noticed that it's impossible to be complacent when Severn is knocking at your door? You saw cattle, she saw sheep. I saw chickens, the world's most predictable critters.  I enjoyed the mental meanderings in this one. |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Thanks Kacy. Severn is welcome to input her, well, input. I don't mind. I left the species of cattle up to the reader though personally I'd onced called this piece MOO. |
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GOlDsparklESS Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 428central nj |
hey! just finished reading "fast food nation"; it describes the whole cattle raising/slaughtering process bluntly. isn't is gross how they feed animal parts to cattle?! yikes, i am now hurling |
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Jason Lyle Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438With my darkling |
I really liked this.It apeals to my own dark side.It also reminds me of a line from that old hard on the ears band Slayer "Like cattle you rot" complacency is indeed a death. |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
GOID I never think of it and I never look at it most times, i just eat it and let things be Thanks Jason and agreed, complacency is death |
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inkedgoddess Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392Ohio |
not me, not you, right, right? |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Nyet us |
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