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Poetic Bard
Member

since 2003-01-22

Posts 84
Canada, BC

0 posted 2003-02-03 05:19 PM

Well, it's me again, to add one more poem, to the plethora of poetry.

~Falling out of reach~
A sigh leaves my soul,
As my heart continues the monontonous beating,
The beat of a life that I do not have,
FOr I must say goodbye to you,
I've already fallen from a grace,
A grace that could not keep up to the pace,
Lost all face to that very pace,
Trying to be a love to you,
Write love through soul on paper to you,
When it all is wrong,
None of the love was taken,
Left alone to a world that I've forsaken,
So now,
From you I shall begin,
Falling out of reach,
Because I'm a fool to think,
That you and I could be,
Fooled myself not to see,
That he was far better then me,
Far better then I could ever be,
So I now say goodbye to thee,
As it is time for me,
To begin to fall away from you,
To give true,
Distance away from you as I begin,
Falling out of reach,
To never say I love you again,
Never again to you,
Never again,
For I love you,
And can not bare to see you,
To speak to you,
So I must give into the world that deems me,
Forsaken from the shadow to give into a light,
So I must say goodbye and begin,
Falling out of reach.

I bleed, you all read, and may the blood never stop spilling for loss of emotion would be all too damning.
~Joel

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2003-02-03 05:37 PM

PB...please, please, please!! Remove some of your commas! I'll come back to read more thoroughly later this evening! Thanks!

Poetic Bard
Member

since 2003-01-22

Posts 84
Canada, BC

2 posted 2003-02-03 05:43 PM

My apologies Sunshine, although I know that your intent is to better the way my writing is presented and how it is read. It is but a habit, far be it a bad one. Anyway, I'll see how it sounds aloud tonight before I head off to bed, and try to, work things out, as far as my writen problems go.

I bleed, you all read, and may the blood never stop spilling for loss of emotion would be all too damning.
~Joel

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2003-02-03 05:48 PM

Thanks!

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

4 posted 2003-02-03 08:20 PM

I'm with Sunshine on this one...commas at the end of every sentance tend to be overwhelmingly distracting. I like the topic of this one, perhaps just a bit of fine tunning

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