navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #24 » At the Bus Stop
Open Poetry #24
Post A Reply Post New Topic At the Bus Stop Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Professor Gloom
Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082
of Depression

0 posted 2003-01-31 08:25 AM


Swirl down flakes of white
Dance between buildings that stand
Abandoned to night,
Pretty to dirty they land
Midst the rushing car head lights.

My smoke cloud billows
Up to greet the dancing white
Falling in shadow
Falling in beauty of light

Only a few see,
Dancer watches the dancing,
Others too hazy
Not bothering the glancing
At the light twirling beauty.

The bus then arrives
To convey us from downtown
The deep night survives
There’s no snow left on the ground
Only child thoughts it revived.

Gloom

This is the poetic part of the story,
but it’s probably to vague for understanding
so I wrote a prose bit also, and include it here.


Waiting for the bus on a gray January night, smoking a fairly cheep five dollar cigar and pondering the fact that five dollars once was the price of a Good cigar.  A light snow begins to fall drifting slowly down between the tall building to change from white to black as they touch the dirty street, but as the fluffy flakes are drifting they are lovely.  He sends a puff of pungent smoke to greet them on their descent watching as he leans on his cane wrapped in the warmth of his long black leather jacket.  Just a few others wait for the bus, but they stand back against the wall of the old store that once served coffee and pastries to the business people arriving to work.  Now the window is a plywood barriers and the clientele are spiders, rats and drug addicts that had hoped to escape.  There is no escape, except the bus to another place and a rearrangement of basic thoughts.  Drug addicts are just hard liner drunks and winos who spend their lives trying not to think just barely being.  A stripper from one of the less sleazy clubs walks up to the bus stop with her big bag of skimpy outfits and scrubbed clean of makeup.  She stares off into space and watches the snowflakes.  A blank expression comes over her and perhaps she is thinking of a time of her youth when snow meant fun and play.  The bus arrives and the small group slowly files in paying with small bits of cash or bus passes. He climbs in last being somewhat slower than the rest and easily finds a seat on the nearly empty bus. The snow has stopped as the bus begins moving once more through the dirty potholed streets.

Gloom



© Copyright 2003 Aszard Drazlom - All Rights Reserved
Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
1 posted 2003-01-31 08:35 AM


Gloom,
I like both entries but quote what I like the best, "There’s no snow left on the ground Only child thoughts it revived."

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215
Realms of Light
2 posted 2003-01-31 08:42 AM


Good morning, Professor! You have an incredible talent for putting your readers right there at the scene of action! I see and feel as though I am actually there. You most definitely are an observer of life and nature--and I especially enjoy your poems--and prose--such as these fine pieces of writing.

Warm angel hugs,
EA

regards2you
Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940
California
3 posted 2003-01-31 08:53 AM




Professor,

I especially liked this poem. It causes me wonder, how you can take a sentence, eliminate all but the most vital words and come up with a perfect picture...I'd have to quote most of the poem to show what I mean. Though I know, you know, as anyone who reads you, understands.

Though true, I sometimes have to scratch my head, trying to figure some out...this one leaves nothing to the imagination.  I like it very much.

Thank you for sharing your talent with us.  Pat


..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
4 posted 2003-01-31 08:57 AM



No, Professor, the poem was not vague in the least...just the vacant feeling left behind...you make people feel with your words...and that, Sir, is a good thing.

Professor Gloom
Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082
of Depression
5 posted 2003-01-31 09:37 AM


Thank you, Seymour,
Pleased you enjoyed,
Always nice to see your comments

Thank you, Earth Angel,
Glad you liked, I was there and just recorded what I saw.
You highly praise me with such kind words.

Thank you, regards2you,
I am a minimalist in my writing
And have had many years of practice to work on it.
Glad you liked my humble effort
Just trying to get it write still.

Thank you, Sunshine,
I beg to differ on the vagueness of it,
Without the prose how would you have known about the cigar,
It could have been my pipe, which lends an entirely different feel to the poem.
Cigars set you apart from the crowd.
Nothing like a stogie to give you a little space in a crowd.

Gloom

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
6 posted 2003-01-31 01:51 PM


very good! I am impressed by this!
Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #24 » At the Bus Stop

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary