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Passions in Poetry

Reading through the Noise

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Effigy
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since 04-11-2000
Posts 490
Just sitting at the computer


0 posted 01-30-2003 10:08 PM       View Profile for Effigy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Effigy

ITS ok to have that day
and i saw you ALL
looking at me when you were looking there
to be honest
ABOUT last night
i can't remember to forget TIMING
and of all things i have no clue of that
AND any other PLACE
WHEN you saw me looking at you
crowded streets FINDING crowded minds
TRUE people are hard to come by
HAPPINESS is a hard thing to understand
am i happy or are you? in some way we must all
be one or two in the same AND
you must be wondering the MEANING
of this and that or thing IN the know
LIFE is to random to not have meaning
© Copyright 2003 Effigy - All Rights Reserved
Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 06-05-2001
Posts 12075


1 posted 01-31-2003 08:12 AM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

through the noise... good work...

often the message we need to read or hear is hidden in the noise and is difficult to pick out. presenting yours this was an interesting choice. One could also pick out other words on lines and make a message through the noise..

I enjoyed
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


2 posted 01-31-2003 08:27 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

clever, and loved the title...

Seymour Tabin
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since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


3 posted 01-31-2003 08:41 AM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Effigy
There are shadows in the shadows, enjoyed.
Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
Posts 40647
Realms of Light


4 posted 01-31-2003 08:58 AM       View Profile for Earth Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Earth Angel's Home Page   View IP for Earth Angel

I know what you mean and you added more interest to your words with the message within the poem. Very clever!

Warm hugs,
EA
Effigy
Member
since 04-11-2000
Posts 490
Just sitting at the computer


5 posted 01-31-2003 09:10 AM       View Profile for Effigy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Effigy

Well I'm glad that you all enjoyed.
passing shadows
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since 08-26-99
Posts 46297
displaced


6 posted 01-31-2003 01:49 PM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

awesome! just awesome! good to see you here!
forne_marin
Member
since 04-13-2004
Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina


7 posted 05-14-2004 09:05 AM       View Profile for forne_marin   Email forne_marin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit forne_marin's Home Page   View IP for forne_marin

This is clever, Wes. Very very clever. I enjoyed it. My suggestion, though, is to try and make the lines make a *little* more sense. They are just the tinest bit too random. Don't change them much, the randomness is a vital element in the construction and message of the piece, but try to make them make some kind of grammatical sense.

Line 6, I'd suggest the following:
First off, change "TIMING" to "TIME".
"i can't remember, I forgot this TIME"

Line 7, I'd insert a comma after "things".

Also, in the last line, it is "life is too random..." not "life is to random..."

Aside from that, I really enjoyed it.


 
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