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pagethatwritesme
Junior Member

since 2002-07-13

Posts 14

0 posted 2003-01-23 12:37 PM

i want to be old,
fat-bellied and balding,
sitting on my front lawn
under the afternoon sun;
drunk on cheap wine
while watching
the young neighborhood girls
jump into the passenger side
there boyfriend's new BMW,
with all that jelloie youth
nearly bursting at the seams
of their hip-huggin',
low-cut levi's.

i want to be old,
fat-bellied and balding,
sitting at mcdonald's at 6am
with the rest of the lonely,
drinking my senior citizen
discounted coffee,
remembering the better times
and telling our war stories;
to miss my childhood
with a big toothless smile,
so much that i vow
to destroy the computer
and write my poems in crayon
and on construction paper.

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

1 posted 2003-01-23 11:48 AM

Nostalgia is a trap -- you're pretty much dead on your feet already if all you want to muster is the past. Still, it's a good poem, though it discounts that as you age, you also grow weaker and closer to death.

Glad to see a new face in this forum. I thought it was near-death itself.

Mike

Ratleader

Member Rara Avis

since 2003-01-23

Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass

2 posted 2003-01-24 12:45 PM

First visit, first reply posting, first person I've added to my "library." You have much to say, and I want to read it all.

I like the economy of this poem. You don't fall into the trap of wasting words to make things "fit," but the writing flows. You don't waste imagery or crowd the text with extraneous details -- you just show clean, clear moving pictures. Most important (and unlike most of the 20 or so poems I've read here), you evoke the emotion, rather than stumbling into the easy pitfall of trying to state it.

I predict that you will re-write this in a week, with the aim of finding ten more words to slip out of it.... when you do, I hope you'll E-mail me a copy.

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

3 posted 2003-01-24 09:01 AM

Welcome to Passions in Poetry, pagesthatwriteme...

kram
Junior Member

since 2003-01-17

Posts 20
texas

4 posted 2003-01-24 09:18 AM

I appreciate this poem. I too look forward to the serenity of old age, but not so much that I'm neglecting my youth. Spelling errors in this poem are a little distracting, but I still enjoyed it, Nice job.

abbe
Member

since 2003-01-20

Posts 131
michigan, usa

5 posted 2003-01-24 12:10 PM

i want to be old

oh, wait! I am... well, getting there anyway.

liked yur poem

winston
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 204
NW of Eden

6 posted 2003-01-24 12:41 PM

Yes, the nubile women and BMW. I can dig that, but McDonalds is NO NO because that's where thousands of poor Americans get expoited.
Thanks.

It's amazing I won. I was running against peace, prosperity, & incumbency.
--G. "DUBYA" BUSH. June 14, 2001. Unaware of rolling TV camera.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

7 posted 2003-01-24 02:16 PM

this tickled me so

pagethatwritesme
Junior Member

since 2002-07-13

Posts 14

8 posted 2003-01-24 04:58 PM

thanks ya'll, for taking then time to read and for the comments.

paladin

Senior Member

since 2001-08-05

Posts 930
Pensacola,Fl.

9 posted 2003-01-24 10:40 PM

I want to sit in the mall and have a young girl bath me in a warm smile.That means a lot to an old grey man.If they only knew.

paladin

....a knight without armor

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