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Open Poetry #24

The first step into life

zenny
Member

since 2002-11-24

Posts 371
Belgium

0 posted 2003-01-21 02:34 PM

The first step into life

The first step into life
a hard journey on it's own
for few steps you shall strive
'cause you dislike being lone

When that moment comes around
and your poor heart skips a beat
focus mind, ignore all sound
and just walk through all the heat

Take a step and have a look
the world will still exist
so go ahead, be no sook
recall all given gist

There you go...your quest did start
Goodluck I wish to you
now time tells me we are to part
Your faith will guide you through

The greatest thing u'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved
in return

*hugs* Kelly.

Astro
Member

since 2003-01-08

Posts 69
Ca.

1 posted 2003-01-21 03:08 PM

I like the topic and I even respect the time and effort it takes to come up with words that rhyme. However, I felt thatthe poem tries too hard. It's sounds formal and stuffy. This is the kind of poem that belongs in a Thomas Kincaide gallery or an inspirational wilderness calendar so keep it light. Words like sook and gist sound out of place and pretentious.
Just my opinion. I don't give it to be a jerk but because I care. Do with it whatever you want.

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

2 posted 2003-01-24 01:36 AM

Enjoyed...James

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

3 posted 2003-01-24 03:57 AM

just beautiful! you inspire me

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