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Open Poetry #24
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Barbara Trautman
Member
since 2002-10-23
Posts 90


0 posted 2003-01-09 02:50 PM


Watching, a tiny girl child sits on the curb
Her white hair glowing in the sun
Her little face so curious
Watching families entering the House of Our Lord

She watches them, none pause or look at her
No one smiles, reaches out or invites her
The door to the House of Our Lord is closed
The street is empty, she leaves her post

She wishes she could go to that mysterious place
Her mother's face softens, she nods her head
Trembling with excitement, she is dressed
Led to the door, alone, she enters

Someone meets her, decides Sunday school is best
To which she returns, week after week alone
She listens to stories of Baby Jesus
Colors pictures, learns some prayers

She hears stories of missionaries
In foreign lands caring for children there
Thinking of thos neglected small children
She decides being a missionary is the only thing

Declaring her intentions in Sunday School
She is warmly encouraged to stay to study
Her mother is visibly upset
She tells her how silly she is

In another week, the family moves, again
No time to say good-bye, no time for Sunday School
She mourns the comfort, the warmth she felt there
She cries for the little children she'll never help

Why does God let those little children suffer, she asks
Why does he let her parents move away
Why, if he is so kind, doesn't he watch over babies
Why does he let children be unhappy

Soon other problems loom in her life
Problems making her forget Sunday School
In the back of her mind, she tucks the God question
Today, she has more pressing problems to solve

Another house, another school, unfamiliar faces
Mom and Dad arguing night and day
She doesn't understand the anger
The hatred that permeates their home

Mommy cries, Daddy walks out
Life is a series of turmoil
Another day, another argument
Shouting, tears, children holding each other near

Every day, arguing, fighting
Mommy screaming, Daddy's face so angry
Stalking to the porch, he reaches high
From the open rafters, a gun appears

Now, Daddy is crying, Mommy, too
Two small girls rush forward
Leaving the safety of their hiding place
Sobbing, they grab Daddy's arm

Don't shoot Mommy, please don't
We'll be good, we'll do whatever you want
The gun comes down, Daddy sinks to his knees
He gathers the girls into his embrace

He sobs as though he is wounded
Holding his children close
Another sad moment comes to an end
And, she wonders, why, God, why?

© Copyright 2003 Barbara Trautman - All Rights Reserved
Astro
Member
since 2003-01-08
Posts 69
Ca.
1 posted 2003-01-09 03:12 PM


Well...it's an emotional story.I'd be interested in knowing what compelled you to write it...personal experience, sympathy for the children, morbid tendencies?
As for the poetic skill of the piece, certain parts stick out."The street is empty, she leaves her post" is good.Since she didn't actually have a "post" that was a good choice of words to convey a whole spectrum of emotions and attachment for this child. It help flesh out her character, while remaining condensed.
Much of the poem read like prose however. the story was good, the rhythm, but I's encourage you to use more poetic language, as you did earlier on in the poem.
Also, the first line, "girl-child" sounded too sci-fi.It puts the narrator into a mythical or otherworldly status and makes it hard for the reader to connect with the child early on in the poem.
so, it was a good poem overall.Keep up the good work!

regards2you
Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940
California
2 posted 2003-01-09 03:23 PM




Perhaps not why God, but, thank you, God for those who have gone before us know how to help those who are suffering now. Why do humans have to suffer on the face of this earth???

Million dollar question..smiling here.
Somehow we all seem to grow spiritually in ways we wouldn't, of course....maybe that is why...

I like this poem and do not critique.
I am a novice myself and can't judge my own very well. Thank goodness for the spell-check function I use. Neither did I see a message in your critique box?

this is a good thinking piece....

Glad you posted....

Hugs and warm regards, Pat

  

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

Barbara Trautman
Member
since 2002-10-23
Posts 90

3 posted 2003-01-09 04:11 PM


To Astro:

Thanks for your response and the critique.  Yes, the child was me.  I wrote an earlier poem and submitted it called Behind Closed Doors.  I guess this is a kind of sequel.  I'm not smart enough I guess to make it better without help but I will re-read what you wrote and try.  Thanks again.  Barb

Barbara Trautman
Member
since 2002-10-23
Posts 90

4 posted 2003-01-09 04:14 PM


To:  regards2you

Thanks for encouraging words.  I can use all the help I can get.  Barb

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
5 posted 2003-01-10 04:43 AM


chilling write...I can't even begin to tell what it made me feel, I'll be thinking ow for awhile.
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
6 posted 2003-01-10 10:42 AM


Barbara - Your experience wrote the piece... Its poetic format is secondary to its emotional impact.  Oftentimes free verse is a good venue for such intensity.  

As for format, that can be learned easily - We work on that regularly in the Poetry Workshop - Feel free to join us...

garysgirl
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237
Florida, USA
7 posted 2003-01-10 01:51 PM


Barbara, thank you for your explanation in your response to someone. That helps me know more how to answer.
Your poem touched me in a way I can't describe. I have never been the "little girl" in your poem, but I taught Sunday School for many years and saw many children in your same situation...boys and girls....I always wished that I could do more for them. All I could do is pray to God.... Because, even though I will never understand the "why", unless God, Himself, tells me..I do know that God answers prayer.
I hope things are better for you now, Barbara.

And, Nan, I don't know about Barbara, but I, personally, don't think I'm a good enough writer to know much about the "format" of poetry. All I know to do is to write from my heart. I really wish I had learned all the technicalities of poetry writing when I was younger. I think it's a very good thing that you have the Poetry Workshops, too.

"Love makes the world go around"
~~with love and hugs from Ethel~~  
                  

neveah5
Member
since 2002-11-22
Posts 197
Ohio
8 posted 2003-01-10 02:22 PM


This drew me in Barbara..Like a really good book, you want to know and read more and more..I guess its the true stories that are the most intriguing..
vandana
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Patricius
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463
USA
9 posted 2003-01-10 04:26 PM


enjoy welcome to passions
Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350
the ass-end of space
10 posted 2003-01-10 05:06 PM


there are older people who still ask the same question
Barbara Trautman
Member
since 2002-10-23
Posts 90

11 posted 2003-01-10 07:48 PM


Thank you so much to everyone who has responded to my offering.  I can't tell you how difficult it was for me to break my reserve and share my life with anyone at all but this rather "faceless" forum allows me some anonymity that I've never found anywhere else.  All of my writing will be about my childhood so for those who don't like sad stories, I apologize.  All of you who have posted such kind thoughts have given me courage I can't convey here.  Thank you again and again.  Barbara
Paul Wilson
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711
United States
12 posted 2003-01-11 04:45 AM


Barbara~ Just remember if it comes from your heart it has to be good. God gave you the courage to share this with us for a special reason and if that reason is to help you heal we will all comfort you in thoughts and words when you need it...Paul

"To share my poems with you is to share my heart with you"

kaile
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Ascendant
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146
singapore
13 posted 2003-01-11 11:35 AM


Barbara,
I'm sorry to know that this is autobiographical...i don't really know the words to comfort you but want to assure you that i will take particular note of your work and try to support you during your "down" times...

glad you found the courage to come out of your shell and post at piptalk.com...

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