Where is My Epiphany? With Revision 1st

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Open Poetry #24

Where is My Epiphany? With Revision 1st

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

0 posted 2003-01-04 11:45 AM

Thanks for the first 3 responses. You have shown that I need to give more info to get the conveyance I want seen in this. Here is the 2nd draft, the 1st is below, for new readers:

Where is My Epiphany?

the heavy hum
the scent of diesel
the intermittent rumble beneath me
and there,
on the window’s outside skin,
tears drip,
fall,
tumble and stream
collect at the bottom
to the tender theme
of going away

away

away from my wholeness
into a shredded-wheat existence

wondering,
as silent lips,
of unknown faces, move,
if anything will come
to heal the strands that remain
and head onward
down this divided highway,

away

going away

alone
a single bubble
amid shadows of activity

©January 4, 2002

Where is My Epiphany?

the hum
the scent of diesel
the intermittent rumble beneath me
and there
on the window’s outside
tears drip,
fall,
tumble and stream
collect at the bottom
to the tender theme
of going away

away

away from my wholeness
into a shredded-wheat existence

wondering
if anything will come
to heal the strands that remain

away

going away

alone

©January 4, 2002
Just a note to assure you that this is not "my" story, it is purely fictional. Query, do you know the conveyance I am trying to show here? If so, then I'm succesful, if not, I need to put in more, of course.

Whether on the shoal or on the shore,
I'll seek the lighthouse evermore.

[This message has been edited by VAS (01-04-2003 01:09 PM).]

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

1 posted 2003-01-04 11:53 AM

VAS
This is running before me like you in your birthday suit. LOL A delightful ead.

RSWells
Member Elite

since 2001-06-17

Posts 2533

2 posted 2003-01-04 12:12 PM

Astride an International Harvester in the rain?

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius

since 2000-10-09

Posts 13989

3 posted 2003-01-04 12:42 PM

This piece just flows when being read aloud.
Superb!

tears drip,
fall,
tumble and stream
collect at the bottom
to the tender theme
of going away

That line is just awesome!
(and I couldn't help chuckling at Richards reply also...too cute)

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