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On Me a Photographer
| Open Poetry #24 |
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On Me a Photographer |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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Eyes always scanning for half-hidden memorable moments, I made myself feel the rise and fall of my camera against the (seemingly) more vigorous beating of my heart, feeling a simplistic kind of good I laid on my back on dirty grounds, agonised between a stand-up, half-squat or kneeling position and fussed mentally before clicking, always shrugging aside raised eyebrows and amused stares with a "i'm taking photos based on feeling" despite such precautions, I was later (a bit) embarrassed at how a resolve to capture the world from MY unique point of view has degenerated into a securing session of the superficial and ordinary even though perfectionism is so un-me [This message has been edited by kaile (01-04-2003 12:29 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
LOL, I'm waiting to see some of those pictures. You gave me a big smile tonight. Love your POV, your attitude. |
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Salty Senior Member
since 2002-11-23
Posts 669Texas |
sounds like your photos are going to be just as creative as this write.. I was sure catching some visuals with just the words you speak *S*. Nicely done! ~Salty In the Midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
I've always wanted to study photography...and get a job with National Geographic...sigh |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Kacy, thanks for the big smile and for loving my attitude! i'm afraid you won't get to see my photos any time soon since i don't have a digital camera and hence can't upload my pictures..in fact, that is one thing i hope to accomplish in this new year--to get myself a digital camera!  Salty, thanks for the "creative"...nonetheless, i felt that i made a mistake of overly focussing on the mundane but hey, i know that i am going to do better in the coming year! after all, i have grown by a year, right?  passing shadows, hmm, i have always wanted to be a photojournalist too...hi kindred spirit! and i hope that someday you will get to fulfil this dream of yours...hope is what keeps us going, ya? thanks all for reading  [This message has been edited by kaile (01-04-2003 06:00 AM).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Even the mundane needs its glorious moment in the eye of the beholder, Kaile... I so enjoyed this write. We ARE our own worst critics, aren't we?  |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
I've always appreciated the art of photography. So much patience and an eye for the unusual.. waiting for the right second, the perfect lighting. Love this one! ~Hugs & Smiles, Nancy~ ~Time has cast a spell on you, |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
kaile Well done, a good write. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
'focusing on the mundane'? How? How is your topic mundane? Tell me that then I'm going tear it apart ~evil laugh~  K |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
sniff...sulk..well? ~waiting~ K |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Karilea, you are right..but don't worry, i am not being hard on myself..despite my imperfections, i am still rather proud of my photos..*grins* Thanks Nancy and Seymour Tabin Hi K, what i meant was that the photos i have taken may have revealed a little immaturity on my part...I am an urban kid and almost went ga-ga when i saw livestock during my trip...took too many photos of chickens, cows, buffaloes etc etc...and that is just one aspect i don't think that this topic is mundane (hey, i must have some confidence in my work)...but you are most welcome to tear it apart! [This message has been edited by kaile (01-08-2003 11:15 AM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Aaahhhhhhh..I love cows and farm animals too (yeah yeah spare me the NZ jokes)..but, to prove that it's all relative: when I went to the states I saw squirrels! Now everyone in the states thinks those are mundane apparently...but I was enrapted (we don't have them of course). And I have this photo of a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge grassy area in New York where you catch the ferry to the statue of liberty - and a little dot right in the middle that might or might not be a squirrel depending on your perspective (and eye-sight) hahaha...indeed, it is all relative m'friend.. Now, your poem... I like the style, a variant of freeverse I write myself, except that most things I write these days (er...more accurately - these months) are without any punctuation. What I like most about your poem is that it is based in description. No wiffly-waffly metaphor going on. NOT to say I think there is anything wrong with metaphor - I just think that it has become a very overused poetical technique. Almost as if - a poem is not a poem without a bunch of metaphors, or an extended metaphor. Your poem is proof that poetry extends beyond common rhetorical devices... Your poem is written in a casual vein, without pretense - I think that secures the subject, and makes this poem very genuine and a pleasure to read. 'Eyes always scanning for half-hidden memorable moments, I made myself feel the rise and fall of my camera against the (seemingly) more vigorous beating of my heart, feeling a simplistic kind of good' There's a conflict in tense between line one and line three. You could fix that by removing the word 'always' from line one. I'd also remove the word memorable. This is one of those words that I think is too confining for the image in terms of what the reader can get out of it. If it was merely half-hidden moments the reader could subjectively feel the moments - ie, they could be poignant, vivid, precious, rare, unusual moments...whatever the reader supplies. Also, and just as significantly, 'half-hidden memorable moments' is a bulky line, with awkward alliteration in the memo of memorable and mome of moments. I see what you're doing with the parenthesis. But I have a question - is it necessary? I don't think the image of the beating heart - which is cliched anyway - adds anything to the poem. Further to that - you have two adverbs in this poem: seemingly and mentally. I think if you took those out you'd find the poem read stronger, sounded firmer. Adverbs, while very useful in dialogue and perhaps some description, are also overused and I feel they subtract, rather than add, to most poetry. With those thoughts in mind, I'd delete the entire part about the heart beating. You could maybe find another image, or leave it as 'Eyes always scanning for half-hidden memorable moments, I made myself feel the rise and fall of my camera feeling a simplistic kind of good' Or, if that's too drastic, or you just don't agree, you could always tell me to shut up and leave you alone. Heh... 'I laid on my back on dirty grounds, agonised between a stand-up, half-squat or kneeling position and fussed mentally before clicking,' The 'mentally' has to go..it has to. I like the description of the positions...stand-up, half-squat...the kind of thing grandmothers would call 'delightful'. I think that 'grounds' should become 'ground' - there is no need for the plural. And having read it again, I'd think about changing 'laid on my back'. It's...plain? No, that doesn't sound right..it's more like a statement, which is fine in some poetry, but as this poem is without metaphor you need to inject your poetry with crafted language. The image of 'dirty ground' is excellent - it's matter of fact, yet somehow poetic. The statement 'laid on my back' detracts from that image. 'always shrugging aside raised eyebrows and amused stares with a "i'm taking photos based on feeling"' This entire part needs work. First: shrugging aside, raised eyebrows, amused stares - all three as cliched as you can get.  The last line is great, except it needs to be 'an "i'm amused...' as opposed to 'a'. You could do a lot to build up to that last line, a lot that is uncliched. 'despite such precautions, I was later (a bit) embarrassed at how a resolve to capture the world from MY unique point of view has degenerated into a securing session of the superficial and ordinary' Again, playing with brackets. Doesn't work. The phrase 'a bit' is cheap, weak and does the parenthesis a disservice. If you're going to use them like that - do something cool with them rotf... 'securing session' - that's an excellent line. Hm..your tenses are a bit muddled again. You have 'I was later (a bit) embarrassed' which is past tense. Then you have 'has degenerated' which is present. So you need to fix that, make your tenses consistent. It's ok I think to have conflicting tense in poetry - but, despite what ardent poetic anarchists like to think, only when there are clearly delineated stanzas or dialogue. Something I must beg now. Yes, beg. Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase don't have MY in full capitals. GARRRGGGHHHH!!! No no no no no no no! she wailed to the gods. (Oh and unique point of view and capture the world? Cliches - yes, I am the cliche queen...can't be helped). Finally, superficial and ordinary. While the two are not at all synonymous I really would only have one. Try only one and see what you think. 'even though perfectionism is so un-me' Hm.. I don't know about this last line. It just...doesn't sound right for the end of the poem. You could easily omit it. Given that you have opted not to create a metaphoric work you run the risk of 'telling' not 'showing' - one of my great poetic no-nos. This last line, tacked on the end, does little more than tell. Yes, I think it could go...off with its head! Right...think I'm done now...did you survive? ROTF (don't flatter yerself K...) Overall, Kaile - this is good stuff...glad I found it.. K |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Kaile, Great poem. Am sending this thread to my son who within past year has begun a serious endeavor of becoming a photographer (for the fun of it).... and I know he'll relate completely to your descriptive poem... and..... he's begun writing poetry and with the excellant critique from Severn, I can't help but wonder if this entire thread wasn't meant for him....amazing how that works, sometimes.... I like the poem, period! I like the critique, too....so informative...what a teacher! wow! invaluable lessons here for all..... Thanks to both of you, Kaile and Severn.... Hugs and warm regards, Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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NewEnglandlazurlu Member Rara Avis
since 2002-01-04
Posts 7470A Mountain Paradise |
I loved this and could certainly relate. I love taking pictures and have been in those positions you mentioned. Somedays it seems no matter what angle, the picture is never quite right! Drives me nuts... I hope you will share you works with us. Hugs, Marti Most of us go to our grave |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Hi Kamla, I can't agree with you more about the relative bit...but my friends saw the same livestock as i did and didn't get as hysterically excited as me  ...one thing i know for sure is that on my next overseas trip, i won't be such a trigger-happy person when it comes to taking animals...not that i really blame myself for taking so many photos of animals but i think i have reached the stage where i want to inject some meaning into my photos..i want my photos to evoke some feelings/thoughts in my family and friends besides just capturing the obvious...As for your excellent critique, i really appreciate it a lot. thanks for putting in the time and effort to give me a no-holds-barred of how a reader may feel...i always wonder how Piptalk readers feel when they read my stuff and it's cool to finally have an inkling Can i admit something? your critique made me realise how i have been self-involved as a writer and have totally neglected how a reader may feel about my work...I write, mainly because i am too lazy to keep a journal but still want to record down significant events in my life for all posterity(spelling?)This is all well and fine when i intend to keep my writings to myself but i do want my work to reach out to a larger audience..i realise (not without shock) how i must try to write from my point of view as a poet, not as a wide-eyed youth reporting what he just experienced About some of the stuff that you pointed out(such as memorable, mentally, the last line)--i did feel that it might not be right for the poem but didn't bother to soul-search deep down and address such concerns...the stuff that you pointed out as cliches (the beating of the heart, amused stares, raised eyebrows, unique POV etc) are really plenty obvious pitfalls to avoid but i made the mistake of including them because these things really did happen and i wanted my account to be true and accurate Yup, i was thinking more as a journalist(one of my dream vocations) than as a poet...*sheepish grin* Thanks for the lesson on parenthesis..as you can probably see, i'm plenty fascinated by this poetic tool but am not quite sure on how to use it...any tips for parenthesis? MY is loud and pretentious and attention-seeking...i agree totally with you...i can't imagine why i ever included it  ...i guess i wanted to show how photography is an individualistic activity and how proud i actually am of my POV...i won't do that again, i assure you...i agree with you about the last line and how it can be easily omitted...but since i was writing based on feeling, i wanted to say that i am plenty much an easy-to-please person and the fact that i am actually feeling embarrassed over my mundane photos shows how interested in photography i am.... Moral of the story: I am gonna have to start thinking like a poet! Thank you, Kamla, once again..i will print out your critique, think long and hard about your suggestions and do some serious editing..i promise you that... glad to know that you still liked this, despite its imperfections... p/s: i rather like this line, "i laid on my back on dirty ground" because it's so matter of fact and almost sums up what i have been doing on this trip in order to get good shots...i guess i will most likely be keeping it because i like it so much that i don't have the heart to replace it May i remain obstinate over this line? *grins* [This message has been edited by kaile (01-09-2003 07:32 PM).] |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Pat, just to satisfy my curiousity, how old is your son? As for me, i am turning 23 this year..i saved up enough to buy a camera last year and really fell in love with photography..i will work towards pursuing it a bit farther this year...let's hope my procrastination won't be an obstacle..ha! glad to know that your son is trying to write poetry because being a wannabe poet is one of the best things that has ever happened to me..i hope your son will be able to sustain his interest in writing... say hi to him for me, allright? and tell him that i will really like to read his works and comment on them... [This message has been edited by kaile (01-09-2003 12:34 PM).] |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Marti, Like Titia who has so generously shared her photography talents with us, i hope to do that some day soon...But it won't be any time soon, i guess since my scanner is spolit and i am too broke to even try to save up for a digital camera... but i will work towards it LOL about how photography drives you nuts...but for me, the endless quest to take the perfect award-winning photo is what makes photography so intriguing and challenging...don't you agree? i also hope that you share your photos with us? |
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atlanticqueen New Member
since 2003-01-09
Posts 2nova scotia |
thank you for sharing this I encountered many of the same stares the first time I was in Paris and threw myslef on the ground under the Eiffel Tower to try to catch it the way I saw it it's nice to know I'm not alone in my perspective besides that, I like the way you write. Dream. Explore. Discover. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
K walks in again, rustling (figurative) papers - lesson one in parenthesis - and about to spout more advice heheh.. K the Unstoppable! Gongs and drums... Kaile said: 'Moral of the story: I am gonna have to start thinking like a poet!' If that's the case, then you have to start reading poets. I have no idea what your frame of reference is, how much reading you have done. But I'll give you my recommendations... You are a freeverse writer. Therefore you need to be acquainted with freeverse - how it began, where it is now, the direction it's moving in. It's imperative that you look at the modernist period: 1900 - 1940's. Look at authors like Gertrude Stein, Ezra Pound, William Carlos Williams...read their essays, their thoughts on poetry - this is where freeverse began. Then you get into the emergence of the post modern period. Look at writers like Charles Olson, Robert Creeley - these two men have excellent essays on the subject. I recommend reading 'Human Universe' and 'Projective Verse' by Charles Olson. I couldn't find them online, but I'm sure you could meander into any university library and they'll have them...Olson was the parenthesis master. These are five of the European and American masters. There are many many more. University libraries are usually an immense source of modern, post modern and contemporary poetry. Then you could read more recent poets...look online in search engines for terms like freeverse poetry, open poetry, contemporary poets/poetry etc...read read read. One essay I simply must enforce you to read (heh) is 'Framelock' by Charles Bernstein which examines the state of writing today, and the direction freeverse poetry is moving in. Here are some links to my personal favourite authors, of varying periods (not all of these have poems, some aren't available online). Pablo Neruda: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~agreene/Neruda.html Alan Williamson: http://www.deathstar.org/groups/umpress/Titles/williamson.html (the 'muse of distance' is probably my favourite poem) Charles Olson: http://www.ucpress.edu/books/pages/4648.html Michelle Leggott: http://wings.buffalo.edu/epc/authors/leggott/hesperides.html (NZ author, had the privilege to read at a poetry reading with her once, she rocks) That'll do for now...want anymore information - write me.. K[This message has been edited by Severn (01-09-2003 08:45 PM).] |
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garysgirl 
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Well, Kaile, I really don't know how to "tear this apart".....as you said in your "critique box"....... But, I will tell you that I could feel the honesty written in your words. You are a very good writer of your feelings, emotions...of your heart> Thank you for sharing your ppoetry with us. Maybe soon you can share your photos with us. I'll bet they're just as honest and real as your writing is......  "Love makes the world go around" |
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scorpio Member Ascendant
since 2002-10-02
Posts 5178right...there |
combine the indefinable texture of film, the curiousity of the photographer and the result is a picture...you made me realize that a poet can be very much as creative as a photographer..salute.. |
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