navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #24 » South Wind
Open Poetry #24
Post A Reply Post New Topic South Wind Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095


0 posted 2002-12-22 05:57 PM


South Wind


My days can be full of you, rosy with wonder
like the singe of setting sun in this down-under sky.
You would be audible if not for the assertiveness
of altered winds silencing you.

Somewhere out there in the fifty or something
your tongue clutches pricked-up ears winding
itself down to those who seek the plum of you.

You moisten the air.

Through the oceans; your voice thick and smokey
once found its way to me, mooring its poetic self  
to my insides like a tired boat
and there you have rested.

I am unable to wash you off.

[This message has been edited by Dark Angel (12-22-2002 06:23 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Dark Angel - All Rights Reserved
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
1 posted 2002-12-22 06:04 PM


Maree

Some people sing, and the song stays with you forever.  I always love your poetry, so intense and deep you are.  Hugs!

Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
2 posted 2002-12-22 06:08 PM


Don't get me wrong... as always, I love the whole thing, but I really like how you set, "You moisten the air." outside... I like it a LOT!

Peace

C

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
3 posted 2002-12-22 06:13 PM


BRAVO! It's been a while since I read you, but WOW! I love the unique imagery you offer.
BluesSerenade
Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549
By the Seaside
4 posted 2002-12-22 09:14 PM


Through the oceans; your voice thick and smokey
once found its way to me, mooring its poetic self  
to my insides like a tired boat
and there you have rested.

A most calming effect your words have.


Lovingly said and so nicely done~

Mistletoe Angel
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Empyrean
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon
5 posted 2002-12-22 10:27 PM




(smiles) Oh Maree, this is touching, sweet friend, we are all born to sing and I wish for the song you sing to always have a lasting impression! (kiss on cheek) God Bless You, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Maree, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
6 posted 2002-12-22 10:38 PM


Maree...You  have the most amazing and unique way of expressing yourself.
This is beautiful!
~Hugs~

~ Season's Greetings to my 'family' at Passions ~

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350
the ass-end of space
7 posted 2002-12-22 11:34 PM


This is absolutely amazing...
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
8 posted 2002-12-23 02:14 AM


wow! Nice imagery here!
Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
9 posted 2002-12-23 05:39 PM


Always such a pleasure to swim in your pool dear.

hugs

J

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

10 posted 2002-12-25 05:30 PM


Thank you friends.. for popping in and reading lil me...for your lovely replies, comments and compliments. I do appreciate it so much   HUGS

Maree  


[This message has been edited by Dark Angel (12-25-2002 06:24 PM).]

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392
Ohio
11 posted 2002-12-26 06:51 PM


really good poem,
i know too.......you can never wash the great ones off

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353
Michigan, USA
12 posted 2002-12-26 07:30 PM


Excellent expression and seasonings...
ThisDiamond

WhiteRose
Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon
13 posted 2002-12-26 09:12 PM


This is delicious

I really enjoyed this piece Maree. It touches the senses and makes for a very warm read.

Magnus
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA
14 posted 2002-12-26 09:29 PM


Through the oceans; your voice thick and smokey
once found its way to me, mooring its poetic self  
to my insides like a tired boat
and there you have rested.

I am unable to wash you off.


Yes,  enjoyed the poem and these lines in
particular....

mirror man
Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814

15 posted 2002-12-26 10:11 PM


I like this too.  Very good.  There's only one thing I don't understand, which is the fifty or something.  What is that?  Just curious.
garysgirl
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237
Florida, USA
16 posted 2002-12-26 11:18 PM


                     

1slick_lady
Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088
standing on a shadow's lace
17 posted 2002-12-26 11:23 PM


whole poem is nice but....

"You moisten the air."

is breath taking



Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

18 posted 2002-12-28 07:25 AM


Ah Mmy...

Would that I were in the mood to seriously critique this. I'll do a little for you...

Firstly - it is stunning, though I think you need to progress now...your writing has reached a stand-still point and I think it might be time to try something new? NOT critising your writing per se...because I love it...just thinking some development would keep the brain fresh. Evolve as it were (listen to me, the hypocrite - when did I last write anything? But you know what I mean I hope, hm, if you don't - yell at me through email ~grin~)

The poem - superb. A few things I'd look at...your first line..and the one that ends in 'silencing you' - I'd take that out and just end with altered winds. Leave a bit of mystery in there maybe...

I'd also take out the last line...the 'moisten' line is excellent as a stand alone...and the last verse concludes very well...

I think the last line is one of those lines that we often put at the end of poem, to finalise, to sum up tightly...sometimes it works - I don't think it does here because the whole poem conveys the sense of waiting, and missing..

Love you soul-sis...

K

[This message has been edited by Severn (12-28-2002 05:06 PM).]

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

19 posted 2002-12-28 11:12 AM


You would be audible if not for the assertiveness
of altered winds silencing you.
==============================
You moisten the air.

Through the oceans; your voice thick and smokey
once found its way to me, mooring its poetic self  
to my insides like a tired boat
and there you have rested.

I am unable to wash you off.

===================================


well this is just achingly lovely in is longing...
youve employed some very cool personifications and metaphors in this...love the "altered winds silencing you" line and the voice/mooring/boat analogy
and I loved the poetic impact of that last lines intend.


I was curious...if you wish to indulge mothyme...and only if you wish...

I was wondering what this verse means...


Somewhere out there in the (fifty or something)?
your (tongue clutches pricked-up ears winding
itself)? down to those who seek the plum of you.

not sure I quite get the metaphors intend here...was wondering if it was due to perhaps these analogies have personal meaning that only the poet or muse would know? forgive the dense moth
I may not "get them" but there something about them that kept bringing me back to that verse...love the "plum of you" line.
So good to see you posting again Maree..always a pleasure to read between your lines

Will the wind remember the names it has blown in the past?
With this crutch, its old age and wisdom, it whispers no ... this will be the last.

jh

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

20 posted 2002-12-28 04:52 PM


inkedgoddess, thank you so very much

ThisDiamond, glad you liked.. thank you.

Ms Rose... Delicious ey? Glad you found it enjoyable thank you so much.

Magnus, so glad you enjoyed.. thanks for stopping by and yor lovely comment

Mirror Man, thank you so much for your lovely reply. Now the fifty or something..hmm hard to explain it wasn't written to be obvious actually, but what I really meant and perhaps need to change, is the United States of America. 50 or something being her states.
but like I said, it wasn't added to  be obvious otherwise I would have just written USA.
But I guess it is now ey? *smile*

garysgirl.. thanks for the hug and smile

1slick_lady,glad to take yor breath away. and thank you.

Ahhhh SB.. you mean to tell me this wasnt a serious critique, hmm if I submit in CA will you then? I mean give me a serious critique?
Something new ey? I'm usually always up for somethig new. Rem I don't know where I'd be if it wasnt for you m'dear. I am here where I am because of you and because of you I can and will go further.Just need that little nudge I received 3 years ago

ok I have gone over your suggestions and this is what the poem will loook like....

like the singe of setting sun in this down-under sky.
You would be audible if not for the assertiveness
of altered winds

Somewhere out there in the fifty or something
your tongue clutches pricked-up ears winding
itself down to those who seek the plum of you.

You moisten the air.

Through the oceans; your voice thick and smokey
once found its way to me, mooring its poetic self  
to my insides like a tired boat
and there you have rested.


Did you mean for me to add wherre I have subtracted?

Thanks SB, you know yor input always means so much to me don't you?  

love you too

Hi Janet Maree, thanks for stopping by, it's always lovely to see you. Thank you for your lovely reply and comments.

Now.. you ask about this...

Somewhere out there in the (fifty or something)?
your (tongue clutches pricked-up ears winding
itself)? down to those who seek the plum of you.

As I said to Mirror Man, Fifty or something is refering to the United States..well her states. I know to the reader it doesnt make sense..it wasnt meant to be obvious actually, but there it is. Not a great line, this I know but the only one I could think off. lol.

So,, it's... Somewhere out there in the United States, your tongue clutches pricked-up ears winding itself down to those who seek the plum of you.

your tongue reaches those who seek you or want to listen to you or read you etc etc.

Hopefully that helps.

hugs and thank you

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #24 » South Wind

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary