lazy treasure hunter [acoustic#4]

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christian
Member

since 2002-12-18

Posts 331

0 posted 2002-12-21 09:00 PM

lazy treasure hunter [acoustic #4]
----------------------------------
______________________________________

i told the waitress,

"you'll never guess what i
figured out. the red light stays
red for approximately 16 seconds .."

"that's nice." she said.

"i'll take a sprite, thanks" i said.

and she left.

______________________________________

playing play-do with the clouds, molding ..
folding paper napkins and trying to
make three pointers to the nearest trash can

guess i'll spend another afternoon playing
chess with these salt and pepper shakers ..

while silently;

crying out for your attention, waiting,
for the chance to be your knight in an
un-ironed thrift store t-shirt ..
waiting | waiting | waiting--

for you,
to take my breath away.
'cause i want to suffocate ..
illustrations, with dirty
contemplations covering my face.

tired of this, tired of this
so lonely, so lonely ..
will you hurry, please,
will you hurry and get to me .. run,
'cause i'm tired of being by myself

guess it's okay, spending hours, and
wasting days--looking for heaven, waiting,
for the chance to be your knight in an
un-ironed thrift store t-shirt ..
waiting | waiting | waiting--

for you,
to take my breath away.

with days [spent], smiling at every stranger,
hoping one of them will ask me for the time ..
'cause i'm just a little boy in an igloo,
waiting | waiting | waiting
for you to break the ice ..
and hey, might sound crazy -
but i'm too lazy to waste my words with
worthless sentences that play me for the fool ..

ti'll then,
i'll complain--

tired of this, tired of this
so lonely, so lonely ..
will you hurry, please,
will you hurry and get to me.. run,
'cause i'm tired of being by myself.

i'm waiting | waiting | waiting,

for you,
to take my breath away.

---------------------------------------
"and i dont want the world to see me
because i don't think that theyd
understand,
when everythings meant to be broken
i just want you to know"
---------------------------------------

[This message has been edited by christian (12-21-2002 09:29 PM).]

Bill Charles
Member Patricius

since 2000-07-11

Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now

1 posted 2002-12-21 09:09 PM

Christian - 'I want you to know'. You do tell of this phrase well. I sense the inner self working here. Not bad...

BC

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

2 posted 2002-12-21 09:14 PM

I like the mood you create with this one. The beginning sets the stage very well (being brushed off and ignored by the waitress) for the rest of the thoughts. I can imagine this being read to a small, quiet audience in a smoky coffee shop.

One question..you seem to pay attention well to grammar and spelling so I'm wondering if the apostrophes in i'am and ti'll are intentional and what purpose they serve...

regards2you
Member Elite

since 2002-10-01

Posts 3940
California

3 posted 2002-12-21 09:22 PM

I found this very interesting, Chris.
Enjoyed,

Warm regards Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
"Desiderata"

enchantingvamp
Member

since 2002-12-21

Posts 214
Indiana, & NO there is NOT more than corn in Indiana, oughta go back to texas!

4 posted 2002-12-21 10:34 PM

you just want them to know who you are.......great piece here....loved the flow of it...i thought it was choppy, like agony...

christian
Member

since 2002-12-18

Posts 331

5 posted 2002-12-21 10:44 PM

------------------------------------------
"and i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think thed understand
when everythings meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am"
------------------------------------------

y'all. thats my signature, it's not
part of the poem. eh.

--

balladeer: the i'ams are just typos.
i spell ti'll, ti'll.

--

thanks for the feedback.

Temptress

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-06-15

Posts 7136
Mobile, AL

6 posted 2002-12-21 10:59 PM

Okay.
I'm impressed. I LOVE the way you communicate the thoughts and feelings here. You layer the moods of each thought, and you give each thought its own mouth with which to speak through your words. I hope that makes sense. I won't be pointing out any spelling errors when I read your poetry. lol..I am sure there are enough people who will do that for you. I like to focus on the intent of the works. I'll be looking for you.

Jenn

~~I Love You~~

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

7 posted 2002-12-21 11:34 PM

Get a grip, Jenn. They were pointed out because he has asked for the feedback, positive and negative. Nobody's nit-picking here.....

enchantingvamp
Member

since 2002-12-21

Posts 214
Indiana, & NO there is NOT more than corn in Indiana, oughta go back to texas!

8 posted 2002-12-21 11:36 PM

I knew that wasnt part of the poem......just kinda couldnt resist finishing out my own thoughts onto the screen, sorry.

Temptress

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-06-15

Posts 7136
Mobile, AL

9 posted 2002-12-22 01:21 AM

?????
bump?

~~I Love You~~

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

10 posted 2002-12-22 03:25 AM

love the mood here...love the acoustic series, you know.

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