Lighthousebob
Member Elite
since 06-14-2000
Posts 4136
California
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5 posted 10-05-2009 04:25 PM
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quote:
I'd really appreciate some replies, critiquing that is.
First, I liked your poem in that it really brings to light the stereotypical characteristics of how we envision good and evil.
Second, my critique would be that you might want to add a bit more punctuation …
I hear the whisper, I giggle with delight
In love with the horned bat from first sight
He dances and smiles, hides from the light
Oh(,) what a wonderful creature, so graceful in flight
Tell me why, why (do) you cry when he(‘)s near?
We can all be friends, there is nothing to fear
No, don't turn away!
She is an odd one, with feathers of snowy white
(In the above line, it might read a bit better if you actually give a name like you did for the 'winged bat' to ths 'she')
A ring above her head that shines(,) oh(,) so bright
The winged bat scowls at her
Wrinkling up his light red fur
As she steps near, he(‘)s gone in a blur
I'll never understand why they fight
But the horned bat whispers in my ear
and I giggle in delight.
God bless and thank you for bringing your poem back up to the top so I could have an opportunity to both read and reply to it.
-Bob
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