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 Hear the whisper, feel the metal.
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Passions in Poetry

Hear the whisper, feel the metal.

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N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet
Member
since 07-30-2009
Posts 369
New Orleans


0 posted 08-05-2009 01:43 PM       View Profile for N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet   Email N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet

I hear the whisper, I giggle with delight

In love with the horned bat from first sight

He dances and smiles, hides from the light

Oh what a wonderful creature, so graceful in flight

Tell me why, why you cry when hes near?

We can all be friends, there is nothing to fear

No, don't turn away!

She is an odd one, with feathers of snowy white

A ring above her head that shines oh so bright

The winged bat scowls at her

Wrinkling up his light red fur

As she steps near, hes gone in a blur

I'll never understand why they fight

But the horned bat whispers in my ear

and I giggle in delight.



"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." Oscar Wilde
© Copyright 2009 Zachariah Gavia-Peyton - All Rights Reserved
N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet
Member
since 07-30-2009
Posts 369
New Orleans


1 posted 08-10-2009 07:20 PM       View Profile for N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet   Email N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet

Don't mean to bump my own poem but I'd really appreciate some replies, critiquing that is.
priyanka
Member
since 06-15-2009
Posts 212
india


2 posted 10-04-2009 05:25 PM       View Profile for priyanka   Email priyanka   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for priyanka

wow!
had to read it twice before i got to understand the deeper meaning...
but I'm glad I did that...
it got me thinking...
wish it were easy not to react to that horned bat!

btw great write!
N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet
Member
since 07-30-2009
Posts 369
New Orleans


3 posted 10-05-2009 12:03 AM       View Profile for N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet   Email N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet

Finally a response.

Thank you. May just write the whole series.
priyanka
Member
since 06-15-2009
Posts 212
india


4 posted 10-05-2009 04:06 PM       View Profile for priyanka   Email priyanka   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for priyanka

do complete the series...I'd like to know what truly happens...strange sometimes to not know what choices to make...not knowing right and wrong...

"I hear the whisper, I giggle with delight"
mysterious delight...not knowing the reasons for such giggling makes its all the more intruding...

Her liking for the "horned bat" too
Definetely different...

keep writing...
Lighthousebob
Member Elite
since 06-14-2000
Posts 4792
California


5 posted 10-05-2009 04:25 PM       View Profile for Lighthousebob   Email Lighthousebob   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Lighthousebob's Home Page   View IP for Lighthousebob

quote:
I'd really appreciate some replies, critiquing that is.



First, I liked your poem in that it really brings to light the stereotypical characteristics of how  we envision good and evil.  

Second, my critique would be that you might want to add a bit more punctuation




I hear the whisper, I giggle with delight

In love with the horned bat from first sight

He dances and smiles, hides from the light

Oh(,) what a wonderful creature, so graceful in flight

Tell me why, why (do) you cry when he()s near?

We can all be friends, there is nothing to fear

No, don't turn away!

She is an odd one, with feathers of snowy white

(In the above line, it might read a bit better if you actually give a name like you did for the 'winged bat' to ths 'she')

A ring above her head that shines(,) oh(,) so bright

The winged bat scowls at her

Wrinkling up his light red fur

As she steps near, he()s gone in a blur

I'll never understand why they fight

But the horned bat whispers in my ear

and I giggle in delight.


God bless and thank you for bringing your poem back up to the top so I could have an opportunity to both read and reply to it.

-Bob

N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet
Member
since 07-30-2009
Posts 369
New Orleans


6 posted 10-14-2009 12:25 AM       View Profile for N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet   Email N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet

Thank you

Punctuation much like math, is not my friend.

So I leave it to it own
 
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