Trying to find the right words for someone in need.

latearrival
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since 03-21-2003
Posts 2979
Florida

0 posted 11-29-2005 09:49 AM

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There is a staff member at the place I work who is one of the directors. As she is one of my "superiors" we do not converse much. She lost her young college aged son to an accident a few months ago. She never took time from work as she was working on a new protocol that week. I could not even look her in the eye without tears forming when I saw her just after his death. But I touched her hand and told her that. We are not close, but I sense her need to talk about it. Most people are uncomfortable about talking about death as they think they will upset you. And some people are just uncomfortable discussing death. I have been dropping off little writings and I spoke to her yesterday. We shared some feelings and how our husbands hurt just as much but keep it in and so we can not really discuss it with them. They have a double hurt as they have a need to want to make it better for us too. She and I know there is a need to keep the person alive by talking freely. We do not want to act as if they never were. Yesterday she was so surprised about what I was sharing with her that she said, �have you ever had an operation?" I said, "No." She said, "Well when you go in for an operation they tuck you in with a warm blanket and that is how I feel now." She said,� it feels like you are wrapping me in a warm blanket". Wow! That was some feeling she gave back to me... I had said to her, "We do not want your son or my daughter to feel after death, that we have put them on a shelf and forgotten them." Today I left in her mail box at work, another small quote about keeping the person alive and using their name freely. ( It was from September by Resounded Picher... It was written by Pandora, for her brother to read at her funeral. I have the quotation but am not sure if I can post a quotation from a book here.) She came to me with eyes glistening and thanked me after having read it.. She said it was a large help to her. You know sometimes we do not know just what to say but I apparently hit upon the correct method. I am going by my instincts and from what I gained in knowledge from Joanne's death. Both papers I gave her, I gave timidly, not really knowing if it was what she was looking for, and I just lucked out I guess. Or, God led me in the right direction. I hope that is what happened. People say so many crazy things at a funeral or wake. You would be surprised to hear some of the things that were said to me. Even after a miscarriage, you get the wrong messages from people or they ignore it altogether. It is better to say nothing but, �I am so sorry" and let it go than to say something that is really foolish. Best to you, marty jo

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean
since 11-06-1999
Posts 43042
Florida's Foreverly Shores

1 posted 11-29-2005 11:32 AM

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MartyJo~
I believe this is about as lovely a share as they come~

I agree that we must continue to speak of the one who has departed~
To not do so is to deny the fact that they lived and MATTERED in someone's life~

You are giving comfort when it is needed and that's a wonderful feeling to the *giver* and the *receiver*~
Bless you~
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*No matter what I search for ...
let me know when it is LOVE that I find*~ <))><

Email - noles1@totcon.com

sandgrain
Member Elite
since 09-21-1999
Posts 3413
Sycamore, IL, USA

4 posted 11-29-2005 07:09 PM

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I agree 100%.  Having lost 2 children, I've felt that 'warm blanket'of care and dropped my jaw when one commented since I have other children, it doesn't hurt me like a parent who loses an only child. I'd never thought of measuring the hurt.

Our daughter and son-in-law were elated to be expecting twins after 4 years of praying for children.  One was still-born and 2 best friends seemed to avoid them. I guessed it was because they didn't know what to say..(congratualtions or I'm sorry).  Truly a sweet-sour time but not having them to talk to about it, definitely added to the sorrow. One breezed in, unannounced, enroute to an apppointment. She dropped off a baby gift, not having 5 minutes to spend. The other, mailed a gift without a card. When my daughter called them they both asked if they could call back, but didn't. I remember their hurt, now nearly 19 years later. Being there for someone is sooo important and appreciated.

Even though much is a blur at the time,  friends, neighbors, coworkers,and acquaintences, just being there for you,is such a soothing balm.

Love,
  Rae

latearrival
Member Elite
since 03-21-2003
Posts 2979
Florida

5 posted 11-29-2005 08:46 PM

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Marge, Joyce, Martie and Rae. Thank you for validating my post. This woman mentioned her husband does not want their son�s photos all around so she took some and has them in her office. Most men do handle their hurts differently. I think she really needs someone to talk to outside of the family. She is afraid if she talks too much about it, then her other children will be sad and feel he is the only one who counts. Mothers live such a finely divided line even when our children are all living; once one departs it is even harder.

Martie, I thought of you and of all the beautiful yearly poems you have written as I was speaking to her. I did a lot of letter writing to every one during the first few weeks after Joanne died. I had found a job staying at a building site. I stayed in a trailor which they had fixed up for me. They were building an assisted living place and just wanted some one to be on the grounds at night as a deterrent to vandalism. I went in at five thirty and went home in the morning. The solitude in the woods was my salvation. I brought my books and typewriter, no computer then. I had a friend or two drop by once in a while and of course my kids did too. I stayed there from February until August when we moved to Florida. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. Best to you, and again thank you for "listening", martyjo

Mysteria

Member Laureate
since 03-07-2001
Posts 18202
British Columbia, Canada

6 posted 11-29-2005 11:18 PM

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That was a beautiful sharing of heart you gifted that woman

I actually volunteered in a Palliative Care Unit at a local hospital until I had a friend who was really more like a sister die. Well, at first I couldn't even accept she was gone for the longest time, but soon kept getting reminded that I had promised to celebrate our time together on this earth, and remember it with laughter and love so I started to work on that. Up to the point of loosing her, I had been around those dying a lot. It was not until she was terminal I found I couldn't deal with any talk of death and avoided talking to people who were suffering as I simply couldn't "take it." Thankfully, soon because of her and the way she prepared everyone for her death I began again to talk to people that were loosing someone and let them know it okay to talk about the person they were loosing or had lost. I had simply forgotten that when they die, you never stop loving them and that love you carry as part of you forever.

Yours was a very touching story.

latearrival
Member Elite
since 03-21-2003
Posts 2979
Florida

7 posted 11-30-2005 01:39 AM

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Mysteria, thank you for your reply. Palliative Care is the best way to help someone who is no longer able to be independent. I applaud you for dong this work. I also applaud you for the ability to honor your friend's life as she would have wished, with love and laughter and good positive feelings. We all have a long way to go. It seems death is all around me now. I have been caught up in other people�s lives only by my just being at the place of need at the time it is needed.
It has been so evident these past few months. Two older friends have died this month. And a third is trying to sort out her life at age eighty eight. She wants to stay in her home but her grown children seem to be pulling her apart. She not only is old and failing she has to deal with pleasing their wishes instead of them pleasing her. Nothing I can do but lend a hand as the �children� are both out of state. It is hard to see her being torn apart after each telephone call from them.
My next door neighbor, as good a person as I have ever met, is now finding the task she had given herself as her brother�s care taker is taking it�s toll on her health. She has had to hire aides to help her and finding it equally hard to have to deal with the many different type of people coming and going in her home. She is seventy eight and the toll on her is beginning to show. a lot to ponder. best to you , martyjo

GBride
Member
since 07-02-2009
Posts 333

10 posted 10-15-2009 07:51 AM

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Thank you for this post.
I am a man.
My wife and I lost a son thirty years ago.
I was much shocked at the remarks made to me.
The newspaper listed the death and gave my wife as the next of kin and failed to mention me.
People are uncomfortable with a man's grief.
He are supposed to bear up and contain our feelings. No one knows what to do about a man crying. Everyone is embassassed. Several people told me that my child wouldn't have ammounted to anything anyway. Can you imagine. They just wanted to shut me up.
When I cried in public, people just walked away from me embassessed. They ran to my wife to comfort her when she cried.
Is the fault the women's. No I don't think so. Men are afraid to express their feelings. The people that walked away from me and the ones that said shocking things probably thought that when I remembered how I had cried in front of them, I would be embarassed to see them again. Even my mother shouted at me to "get over it."
I went to a counciller for some help and unloaded my grief and got some tips on how to deal with it.
When men have grief they are ignored. But they have brought it on themselves.

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