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Spiritual Journeys #2
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The Tree
| Spiritual Journeys #2 |
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The Tree |
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jjote Senior Member
since 2002-12-25
Posts 1088Ontario, Canada 
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Revised Version  THANKS to Bob, for his patience, and for me, well, no guts, no glory..)  The silence of the morning floods the air. Within the stillness one tree stands alone apart from all the rest, majestic, fair. most rare her beauty is and yet, her cone of leafy green is fading, and she moans. Her spirit seeks a wonder to unfold where seasons will not turn her heart to stone, and rivers flow and never freeze in cold. The summer wind breathes ‘round her trunks so bare, where angels playing on the clouds have flown. She whispers to the wind, “Oh won’t thou care to take my seeds, together as our own create new trees like me.” Her voice intones. To propagate her kind, and not grow old is her desire and to her bosom lone, her branches out stretch for the wind to hold. The wind appeases her, it cannot bear to see her grieving, all her essence groan.. Her seeds it gathers like they’re jewels rare to scatter them o’er woods, as to atone for leaving her to face an empty zone. And some seeds fall ‘mongst leaves with hues of gold, while those which drop on rocks are picked by drones, but only one doth mother earth enfold. The setting sun won’t see the tree bemoan her dying with the dark, and now behold her reincarnate seed; but time will hone the tree to life; and so this tale is told. =============================================== Dear Bob, I'm hoping this comes up to your standards of a ballad..I had several days of nightmares doing this..*smile & sigh of relief for at last finishing it*) (I'm not so sure I should title this rather as "The Tree, The Wind and the Good Seed". Any suggestions?) The silence of the morning floods the air. Within the stillness one tree stands alone apart from all the rest, majestic, fair. Inordinate her beauty is and yet, her cone of leafy green is fading, and she moans. Her spirit searches for another world where seasons will not turn her heart to stone, and rivers flow and never freeze in cold. The summer wind breathes ‘round her trunks so bare, like angels playing on the clouds at dawn. She whispers to the wind, “Oh won’t thou care to take my seeds, together we will spawn new trees like me.” Her pleading voice intones. To propagate her kind, and not grow old is her desire and to her bosom lone her branches stretched out for the wind to hold. The wind appeases her, it cannot bear to see her grieving, all her essence groan.. Her seeds it gathers like they’re jewels rare to scatter them o’er woods, as to atone for leaving her as helpless as a fawn. And some seeds fall ‘mongst leaves with hues of gold, while those which drop on rocks are picked by drones, but only one doth mother earth enfold. The setting sun won’t see the tree bemoan her dying with the dark, for so behold, she’s reincarnate in this seed time will hone into a good tree. Now the tale is told. (Actually, I’m sort of recalling/modifying the story in the bible about the Word of God, which is like seeds – those that were planted on shallow soil or rocks didn’t grow, but the seed which was on good soil grew fine. Or something like that, sorry, I’m a little hazy on the details. Here I’m personifying the Word as a tree and the wind as the farmer. The seeds are we the souls who hear the Word, and how we accept and live them. Hope I’m not “sermonizing”..) [This message has been edited by jjote (02-04-2003 07:16 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Josefina Costales - All Rights Reserved | |||
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
 I really liked this and I even got the 'seed' picture before you explained on the bottom. Very nice indeed. |
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Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
I enjoyed this very much. Both as a poetical offering and for the story it told. Very nice. Joyce |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) Oooohhhhhh...I love both titles, thi sis a wonderful poem and I can understand what you meant to say here, that His word is everywhere if we just stop to listen and deep in the soil of the earth is where it embowers and spawns fruit for our children to taste and spread the word on! (big hugggsssssss) God Bless You, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Josefina, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." Shakira [This message has been edited by Mistletoe Angel (02-02-2003 02:26 PM).] |
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Ericc Member Elite
since 2003-01-31
Posts 4178 |
This is deeply felt. Thank you. Eric |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
Josefina, WOW!!! Even before reading your Ballade, I was amazed..... I am in shock because I really didn’t think that you would write one.... Especially after I warned you about how big of a nightmare that Ballades can truly be. OH MY GOSH!!! Since I’ve been barely introduced to the Ballade format and the Ballade that you read of mine was my first and only Ballade written so far, I hope you understand that I am by no means any expert at writing Balllades.... but I can offer you some suggestions that might be advantages to us both as we may venture onward and upward to writing more. (Amen) First, if I would have ever guessed in a million years that you would actually write a Ballade, I would have expounded a bit more to you about format. The format that I gave you....3 stanza's of a-b-a-b-b-c-b-C and the last stanza of b-c-b-C.... is pretty good, but the capital C at the end of every stanza should be a refrain. That means repeated over and over such as was in my Ballade... "Tread soft, my Love, upon my fragile heart..." this also means less “c” words that you need to rhyme. (YAY) The refrain should be something that is worth repeating and reading over and over again... like the theme of your poem or just something that sounds real cool. (Smiles) You chose to use Iambic Penta- Meter (5) ..../the SI//lence OF//the MORN//ing FLOODS//the AIR/... I think you’ve made a wise choice for a Ballade. The first two lines are great until you get to line 3 when you write... Inordinate her beauty is and yet, her cone.... This is very well written, but it is written in Hexa-Meter (6)... Maybe a word or words to replace inordinate like "extreme" or "most rare" would work better here. Just a suggestion. Maybe replace the word "world" with a word that will rhyme with cold.... Maybe something like....Her spirit seeks a wonder to unfold....Second stanza, dawn and spawn are not “b” words like bone, own, stone, blown, zone... etc. etc. Second stanza, lines 4 and 5... Though it seems to work OK, I personally try to stay clear of using punctuated we’s and me’s.... I’m being picky here, but perhaps "together will we spawn" might work better... I know this is reversed syntax, but hey I like it anyway. The same goes for "her" in line 7....Maybe is "most" desired would work betterhere? I think in the last line of this stanza that I would use the word stretch (present)instead of stretched (past). Again, fawn is not a “b” word. Lets see what we can do here about those dreaded "b" words??? (You pobably have a few of you own at this point) Maybe for fawn use stone... helpless as a stone. Maybe for dawn we might write...angels playing on the clouds have flown??? And last but not least maybe for spawn we might write....to take my seeds, together as your own. Just some of my thoughts here. The last stanza....she’s reincarnate in this seed time will hone... (We got an extra syllable here) Perhaps better might be... this reincarnate in her seed will hone.... and actually the in in into is punctuated and not the to.... but you know what.... this is the last line and the change here from the rest of the poem is kinda nice....(Could be your trademark)... and I do like it just the way it is. (Smiles) Just to let you know, my friend, there is a forum called "Critical Analysis" that does a marvelous job of analyzing poems for you. They have professionals (unlike myself) over there that can probably do a much better job than what I have done here, but I do thank you for inquiring about my expectations and desiring my feedback. GOD bless you. Overall I think this is a wonderful Ballade that you have written here with a very good and positive message. Sorry, if I was a bit tough on you here, but this is how strongly I treat myself when I try to write poetry in meter and of this magnitude.... This is probably why I have nightmares and why most of the time I just like to write poetry for the fun of it. (Big Smiles) And, Thanks again.-Bob |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
Oh, I thought the title was great!!! The Tree inspires so many curious thoughts toward your poem before it is even read... The tree could be so many things... The tree that Christ died upon.... a family tree... or as you have written, the tree could be a personification of something altogether different. I like that a lot. Again, good job on your write. I know it takes a lot of time and energy to write one of these. GOD bless you. -Bob |
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jjote Senior Member
since 2002-12-25
Posts 1088Ontario, Canada |
Thanks Bob for the feedback, very helpful and great learning experience for me - (first timer on Ballade writing). So if it's a nightmare writing one, it's even a greater nightmare critiquing one, and appreciate the time you took. I'll see how I can redo - although maybe by the time I finish it, I won't be able to edit the original (found out, we have only 24 hours to do that). |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
Josefina, The revision is GREAT!!! I love what you have done here!!! (YAY!!!) There is just a couple more little things though, now that I've read your Ballade again.... the last line of the 2nd stanza.... "stretch out" Ouch!!! That "OUT" screams punctuate me... I think that I would change this around to read "OUT stretch." This line would read, "her branches out stretch for the wind to hold." Line 5 of the Second stanza, I would change "create new" to "created." The last thing is the word "reincarnate." Let me show you this word in meter /RE in//CAR nate/... You had it right the first time. There still should be an un-punctuated syllable I think before the RE. Some word like... the, her, this, etc. etc. Maybe something like this, "her reincarnate seed but time will hone..." Again, very nice my friend and I do admire your patience for this has been a bit of a learning experiece for me as well. GOD bless. -Bob [This message has been edited by Lighthousebob (02-04-2003 11:07 AM).] |
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Trillium
since 2001-03-09
Posts 12098Idaho, USA |
jjote: This is a great effort and wonderful to read. Kudos to you for a job well done! Betty Lou Hebert |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
Josefina, You've now exceeded my standard for writing a Ballade my friend. It's been a real pleasure and GOD bless you with many many more most desirable writings. -Bob |
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