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Meditation on California Winter Winds.
| Open Poetry #23 |
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Meditation on California Winter Winds. |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
Meditation on California Winter Winds. The breath of the Earth blows down from the East, Hills on four sides wall Diablo Dale, Rolling California hills - Glimmering in their gold and green velvet raiment. Eastern wind, swirling in, fills the vessel of this valley, Gods' finger stirring in a bowl of Earthen bone; The breath of the Earth blows down from the East, Forever fighting Zephyr, clothed in fog and cloud, In his trail of salt and spray the gulls rise above the valley gates. He comes in from the sea - the misnamed Peaceful, choppy and blue. But, The breath of the Earth blows down from the East, Leaves like dust, having fallen from trees, cover the Earth, But the wind pushes them aside, uncovering the mantle of dirty flesh below; A winter cleaning in preparation for fresh sheets of rain. And still the breath of the Earth blows down from the East. Even as warm as it was in summer, still more bitter now is the cold; In this season when frigid light beats down upon hope Warm caresses that were, are now the prodding of bony fingers. The breath of the Earth blows down from the East. It smells strange, with a scent of change ever upon it. My mind and others are roused unknowingly, the original wind's call heard. Every ray of sunrise races down the path of air as so many rivulets form a river. The breath of the Earth blows down from the East; Forever seeking sunset. -majnu |
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| © Copyright 2002 Zaheer Abbas Ali - All Rights Reserved | |||
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fishop Member
since 2002-09-13
Posts 79ohio |
I like this poem. Never been to Cali. I'll trade you an Ohio winter for one of yours ok. That breath of the earth starts here, It warms up a few degrees by the time it gets there.  |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
I felt that warm Diablo breath. Your poem made me a bit homesick for California, where I grew up. Well, where I was born and 'raised hell' anyway. Not sure that I ever really grew up. Digressing in the wind again. Nice poem. I look to the east each day but my heart seems to stay in the west. I love sunsets. Wonder if earth's final sunset will be so pleasant. [This message has been edited by Midnitesun (12-12-2002 02:06 AM).] |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
be honest but polite you say in your critique line... so I will attempt both.  I like very much the idea and the scene you set here.. |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
fishop, thanks for the read. yeah, i don't envy midwest summers. i prefer to be able to drive to snow and then leave it behind when i've had my fun.  midnitesun, you left CA?!? Damn, someone would have to pay me a hell of a lot to relocate! Especially if it was central like CO, c'mon, when was the last time you saw the Sea! cpat, that disclaimer is more to forewarn flamers than anything else. thanks for the read and the compliments. -majnu -------------------------------------- Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet. [This message has been edited by majnu (12-12-2002 12:15 PM).] |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Majnu I've lived all my life in California...and winter has some of the prettiest, cleaned by wind days, so you know I loved this poem. I've written a few on the subject myself. |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
A lovely piece my dear friend. You painted this picture with your love of your surroundings. Wonderfully done.  |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Hey, you took my Zephyr! grrr! I lived in the East Bay for 10 years, just moved a couple of years ago, but still visit old friends there all the time. I'd lose the caps at the beginning of each line unless it's starting a new sentence. Also, I think this could be trimmed down. Hey, you critiqued mine, fair is fare, right? peace, Cor |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
martie, i am glad to here that you like it. have you posted the ones you wrote? please do again, I would love to see them! rose, thanks for the compliments, its always great to here from you. corinne, hey THANKS. I want critiques anywhere I can get them; except for the critique section, some of those people think you have to insult a guy to post a "real" critique. anyway, I agree with the caps part, after re-reading, i too don't think it fits. however, could you be a bit more specific about the trimming down; this is always hard for me, maybe if you could give me a couple examples of parts that could be cut. -majnu |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Hi again, Majnu - well, since you are open to further crit - too a crack at this. One thing to watch for, excessive repetition. I realize the repeating "breath blows down from the East" is intentional, but there can be too much of a good thing, too. Words I found repetited – east, earth, down, but ("but" being one of those words we should use sparingly). Also suggest breaking this into stanzas - helps your reader feel the pausing effect. The breath of earth blows from the east, hills on four sides wall Diablo Dale, rolling California hills - glimmering gold and green velvet raiment. Swirling eastern wind fills this valley’s vessel, Gods' finger stirring in a bowl of bone; breath blows from the east, forever fighting Zephyr, clothed in fog and cloud, a trail of salt and spray; gulls rise above valley gates. From the sea he comes – misnamed Peaceful, choppy and blue. But, breaths of earth blow from the East, leaves like dust have fallen to cover. Wind pushes them aside, uncovering the mantle of dirty flesh below; winter’s cleaning prepares for fresh sheets of rain. Sill, breath of earth blows from the east. Even as warm as it was in summer, still more bitter now is the cold; this season when frigid light beats upon hope, once warm caresses are now the prodding of bony fingers. It smells strange, a scent of change. Minds are roused unknowingly, the original wind's call heard. Every ray of sunrise races the path of air as so many rivulets form a river. Breath of Earth blows from the east; Forever seeking sunset. Peace, Cor [This message has been edited by Corinne (12-15-2002 10:30 PM).] |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Well, with descriptive writing like this, you just swept me off to California--a place that I have always dreamed of visiting! Thank you! ~ Sending you happy holiday hugs Earth Angel |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
Majnu... I think that the California Dept. of Commerce should pay you do write their adverstising for them. I've only been there once, but wouldn't mind spending a lot more time there.... It sure beats a good old Michigan winter... although we do have lovely summers here... A very lovely piece, you wrote...  ~ hugs from a Michigan ChipmunkLyra |
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