I'm in a dark room today.
In my head there is moody blues
and smoke consuming my ill intentions.
An old black man sings on stage;
another lover is gone.
I swirl my green Midouri Sour
until it sloshes over the edge of a glass
clearer than he or I could ever be.
I wait until I catch his wrinkled gaze
before licking moisture off my hand-
salty sweet communication
cathes him off gaurd and now
he's singing for me alone.
Today I'm thinking of warm bath water
and cold memories touching my resolve
to stay numb and aloof.
I want to submerge my head
until my hair becomes soft and pretty again.
Let the water flow in through my ears.
I refuse to open my mouth or my eyes.
I am like Houdini-
trapped inside a box or burlap bag.
Dust chokes me and not enough air
flows through the spaces for survival.
Rip open the bag with scissors.
Cut into my heart.
Stab it more than once, the scars
make it tougher than it should be,
and like all fanatic deceivers
I'll keep coming back for more.
Today my tongue is coated with
left over lucidity
and the sticky white paste clings
to the roof of my mouth.
Pitch black exists eyes closed
and eyes open.
I will cut off my nose to spite myself,
but I won't feel it and all that will happen
is another part of me will become vacant.
I can't stand to hear the sound
of my own voice sobbing,
I prefer to smother my doubts
in rain filled gutter-al pacivity.
I would rather pour rusty nails into my throat
than show the world any suspected humanity.
I have become what I have learned, after all,
strong on the outside, rotting on the inside.
My knuckles crack with a frosty demeanor,
and though I let you lean against me,
I may become the tree you're nailed to in the end.
I'm hearing the black and blues today.
I'll order another drink even though
I will not taste it,
I'll tip the bartender even though
he doesn't know my name and,
lean my elbows into the jagged
counter top and bleed deeper.
If a liquid must come from my body
let it be life's true hydration
because my emotions have already dried up.
"Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone
I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me."
[This message has been edited by Saxoness (12-07-2002 09:55 PM).]